Stargate Big Brother 2003
by Ruthie
Summary: It's day one in the Big Brother house. Jack and Martouf are already having a fight with a frozen cod. NOW COMPLETE
1. Default Chapter

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 1

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day one in the Big Brother house. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with a frozen cod. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 1 ~

By Ruth

**********

****

"It's day one in the Big Brother house. All ten housemates are settling down into their new environment. However, Martouf and Jack are already having a fight with a frozen cod." 

Jack picked up the cod from the freezer and slapped Martouf around the face with it. It was such a large fish that the momentum nearly knocked him over. Janet got up from the couch and went over to try and break up the fight. 

"Jack! Jack! Godammit, Jack, we have to eat that!" 

"We've only been here for two f-BEEP ing hours and he's already annoying the f-BEEP out of me!" 

****

"Big Brother would like to remind the housemates that, as it is only 7:00, your language must be moderated as there may be children watching." 

Jack reluctantly put down the cod and went back over to the couch where Anise and Sam joined him. On Sam's left was Maybourne and on his left was Teal'c, who was looking extraordinarily confused. Janet and Sam went into the kitchen to make dinner for them all. 

Also on the couch was Agent Barrett. He was still quite confused as to what he was doing here, but the fact that Sam was there was all that mattered to him. At least he could trust her. Hathor was getting scarily close to Daniel, who kept on edging away from her on the couch, to no avail. 

**********  
**"It's 8:00 in the Big Brother House. Sam and Janet are making dinner in the kitchen. The other eight housemates are on the couch, and have been for the past two hours."**

Daniel was now very scared. Hathor was definitely trying to put the moves on him and he didn't like it one bit. 

****

"Would Daniel please go to the diary room." 

Daniel happily got up and went into the diary room. 

"Hello Daniel." 

"Er…hi." 

"How are you finding it in the house?" 

"Erm…it's good. Bit different to what I'm used to, but…" 

"We've noticed that Hathor seems to like you. How do you feel about this?" 

"Erm……I…….I don't like it very much." 

"Why is that?" 

"Erm….Well, I don't have to tell you, do I?" 

"There is no need to lose your temper, Big Brother is merely curious." 

Daniel sighed in exasperation and left the diary room, where he was pleased to hear Sam and Janet calling that dinner was ready. 

****

"It's 9:00 in the Big Brother house. Sam and Janet cooked fish and chips for the ten housemates. Anise and Hathor are in the pool, and the rest of the housemates are inside." 

Anise smiled as she stretched her legs, pleased to see that she was a lot taller than Hathor. 

"Why did I come here?" Hathor asked, looking up at the sky. 

"Same reason I did - Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson." 

Hathor smiled. "Yes. Now I remember." 

Inside, Barrett was trying to make polite conversation with Maybourne. 

"So…why did you come on here?" 

"You want the truth? I was drunk - Jack asked me, I thought he was joking, so I said yes. Now I'm stuck in this p-BEEP hole until someone votes me out." 

"Ah." 

"What about you?" 

"Well….I don't know really…just wanted to get away from the day job." 

"And closer to Major Carter?" 

Barrett blushed. "Shut up." 

Maybourne nodded thoughtfully and got up to make himself a hot dog. 

**********

****

"It's 10:00 in the Big Brother House. We're about to surprise the housemates by getting them to nominate two people who will be put to the public vote for eviction on Friday."

"Would Anise come to the diary room?" 

Anise got up and went into the diary room. 

****

"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

Anise folded her hands in her lap and smiled. 

"I'd like to nominate Sam for eviction, because she's competition where Colonel O'Neill is concerned." 

****

"Do you have any other reasons?" 

"No." 

****

"Thank you, Anise. Your second nomination?

"Hathor - she's a bitch!" 

****

"Urm…thank you. Could you send Daniel in please?" 

"Yes." 

**********

****

"Daniel, we would like you to nominate one housemate for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"Hathor, because I'm…uh…scared she's going to rape me." 

-Long Pause-

****

"Thank you. Your second nomination?" 

"Uh…Harry. He doesn't like me, I'm worried that he'll…uh…maim me." 

****

"Thank you, Daniel. Could you send Harry in, please?" 

**********  
**"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."**

"Malcolm, because of that stick up his arse!" 

-Long Pause-

****

"I'm sorry, Harry, but Malcolm does not appear to have a stick inserted into his back passage. Could you chose another housemate please?" 

"Uh…Anise. She's so obviously hitting on Jack and it's annoying the piss out of me." 

****

"Thank you, Harry. And your second nomination?" 

"Malcolm Barrett. He's annoying me." 

****

"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Hathor in please?"

**********

****

"Hathor, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"Sam - she is the one that would defeat us!" 

****

"Okay. And your second nomination?" 

"Anise - she's a bitch!" 

****

"Thank you, Hathor. Could you send Jack in, please?" 

**********

"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."

****

"Anise - she's flirting with me and it's really getting on my nerves - I hate her, she's a…" 

"Thank you. Your second nomination?" 

****

"Hathor - she's gonna rape Danny, I'm sure of it!" 

-Long Pause-

****

"Thank you. Could you send Janet in please?"

**********

****

"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"Anise, because she's rude and very ungrateful." 

****

"And your second nomination?" 

"Hathor, because she's also rude and ungrateful - and she really is going to rape Daniel." 

****

"Could you send Malcolm in, please?" 

**********

****

"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"Okay, first…Harry. The man's just evil personified."

****

"And your second nomination?" 

"Jack - he's just rude and he farts all the time."

****

"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Martouf in please?" 

**********

****

"Martouf, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."

"Jack - he slapped me round the face with a raw cod and he's always been rude to me." 

****

"Your second nomination, please?" 

"Harry - he's from the NID, I don't trust him."

****

"Thank you. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

****

"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"Anise - she's really annoying and totally rude to Janet all of the time!" 

****

"And your second nomination?" 

"Hathor. I think she's very likely to kill me when she gets the chance."

****

"Thank you. Could you send Teal'c in please?" 

**********

****

"Teal'c, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons." 

"I do not understand - what is the point of placing all of us in a house together if we will only be removed one by one?" 

****

"Your nominations, please." 

Teal'c cocked an eyebrow. "I believe Anise to be most infuriating." 

****

"And your second nomination?" 

"Hathor. She attempted to enslave my friends and kill another on three occasions." 

****

"Big Brother has not noticed this, but very well. Thank you, Teal'c." 

**********

****

"It's day two in the Big Brother house. After last night's nominations, eight of the housemates are still in bed. Jack and Martouf are the only ones up, and they are fighting with bags of frozen peas."

"Colonel, why do you insist on beating me with frozen objects every morning?" asked Martouf, ducking to avoid another blow from the frozen weapon. 

"It keeps me amused - Marty, it's so boring in here!" 

"I know, Colonel, but could we not do something more constructive with your boredom?" 

"Like what?" 

"Like…decorations, cooking, anything! Just stop hitting me with those f-BEEP-ing peas!" 

"Marty, you do know we're live on national TV, right?" 

**********

****

"It's 10:00. The housemates are about to be told who is up for eviction on Friday night, and are gathering on the sofa."

"Housemates, you are live on channel 4. Please do not swear. We can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are…" 

(stupidly long dramatic pause)

****

"In alphabetical order…" 

(stupidly long dramatic pause)

****

"Anise…" 

(stupidly long dramatic pause)

****

"Hathor…" 

(stupidly long dramatic pause)

****

"and…" 

(even more stupidly long dramatic pause)

****

"Sam."

**********

"It's day two in the Big Brother House. Jack has gone on a mad rampage, demanding to know who nominated Sam for eviction." 

"Aright, who was it? What the f-BEEP do you think you were doing?" 

"Uh…Jack…you do know we're on National TV, right?" 

"Yes, I know, Sam." 

"And you do know that this is a game - that we will all be voted out eventually, right?" 

****

"Jack breaks down sobbing in Sam's arms. Harry laughs at him, prompting Jack to start a fight with a large French stick. Janet, meanwhile, is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Janet." 

"Hello." 

****

"How did you find the nominations?" 

"I thought it was fine, but I wasn't nominated, you see." 

****

"Big Brother is aware of this. How do you think Sam is coping?" 

"She's fine. Taking it all in her stride - Jack's making it worse by snivelling all of the time." 

****

"Why do you think Jack took her eviction so badly?"

"He doesn't want to be stuck in here without her, and with Anise and Hathor." 

****

"How do you feel about being the only normal one in the house?" 

"Excuse me?" 

**********

****

"It's day three in the Big Brother house. In two days, either Anise, Hathor or Sam will be leaving the Big Brother house. This morning, Jack and Martouf are having a fight with some baked beans." 

"Colonel, I thought you agreed yesterday that we would stop all of this fighting business and try to do something more creative with your boredom." 

"You actually believed that, Marty? Jeez!" 

Martouf could not reply, as he had a mouthful of cold baked beans to deal with.

****

"It's one o'clock in the Big Brother house. Sam and Janet are making lunch, and bitching about Anise and Hathor, who are in the garden." 

"If she gets any closer to Jack she'll bump heads with him!" 

"I know - and Hathor is freaking Danny out so badly!" 

"Cow!" 

"Bitch!" 

"Last night, Anise was like, 'Oh, don't worry Sam, I'll look after Jack when you're gone.' I was just totally annoyed - I was gonna hit her, but I couldn't be bothered." 

"Don't waste your energy - save it for Hathor. Poor Danny's so scared that he locked himself in the bathroom for an hour last night to try and escape her lingerie display." 

"Lingerie display? That can't be legal!" 

"Tell me about it. I nearly lost my lunch - that is, if we had any, which we don't, because Jack and Martouf keep fighting with it." 

"This place is mad." 

**********

****

"It's 2200 in the Big Brother house. We've called Sam into the diary room for a chat."

"Hello Sam." 

"Hi." 

****

"How are you feeling about Friday night?" 

"I've mixed feelings, really. I don't want to be the first one to go, but if I have to watch Harry shaving his armpits in the kitchen again I'm gonna hurl." 

****

"You're not concerned that Anise and Hathor don't seem to like you?" 

"No. I can't honestly say that I like them." 

****

"I see. What have been your favourite moments in the house these past three days?" 

"Um…well, there was Barrett pushing Hathor accidently into the pool, and Jack accidently pouring custard on Harry's head…" 

****

"Thank you, Sam." 

**********

****

"It's day four in the Big Brother House. Tomorrow is eviction night. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with tomato ketchup." 

"Really, colonel, this is becoming most tiresome!" 

"Well, Marty, what do you expect me to do? I'm bored out of my flipping mind!" 

"Yes, but is there any particular reason that you chose me to hurl food products at every morning?" 

"I don't like ya!" 

"Why?" 

"Cos you're always sniffin' around Carter, that's why!" 

"Can you honestly say that you do not also do this, O'Neill?" 

Jack paused for a moment, realising that Martouf was right, and squirted ketchup in his eye. 

**********

****

"It's one o'clock. Hathor and Anise are making dinner. They've chosen shrimp." 

"Daniel is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother." 

"Hello Daniel." 

"Hi." 

****

"Who do you think will go tomorrow?" 

"I…well, I hope Hathor will go." 

****

"Why?" 

"Why? You ask me that question every goddamed time I come in here! SHE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!" 

****

"Big Brother has not noticed this, Daniel." 

"Oh, f-BEEP off!" 

**********

****

"It's eviction Friday in the Big Brother house. Because Martouf has locked himself in the diary room, Jack is slapping Malcolm with some wet kippers." 

"You really need to get a life, Colonel." 

(Wet-sounding slap)

"You're such a child!"

(Wet-sounding slap)

"I bet Sam fancies me more than she fancies you." 

(Ghostly silence)

(Wet-sounding slap)

**********

****

"It's 10pm. It's Friday night. It's EVICTION NIGHT!!! Who will be the first to go? Lines are now closed, and I'm about to go live to the house to reveal who is the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house!" 

"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the first person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…" 

(Really hideously stupidly long pause, during which time everyone falls asleep)

****

"Hathor!" 

Hathor's eyes flashed angrily as Daniel whooped. She glared at him, so he started crying and ran into the diary room. 

****

"Hathor, you have two minutes to say your goodbyes and leave the house - I'm coming to get you!" 

"Nobody will be 'getting' me!" 

"Bye, Hathor!" 

"Oh, f-BEEP off!" 

"Hathor, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear!" 

****

"10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…HATHOR, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. HATHOR, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…"

"Join me after the break for an exclusive interview with the first person to be evicted from Big Brother Stargate - Hathor!" 

TO BE CONTINUED…

**** ****


	2. Stargate Big Brother Hathor's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate – Hathor's Interview

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: Hathor

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Hathor on life in the Big Brother house, Daniel Jackson and why she wanted to maim Sam. Also, we catch up with what the other housemates are doing. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate – Hathor's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"Welcome back. I'm here with the first week's evictee – HATHOR!" 

(Mad cheering and whooping from the crowd)  


"Silence!" 

(Cheering and whooping stops)  


"So…Hathor…how did you find your week in the Big Brother house?" 

"It was most irritating. As you told me, I was not allowed to kill or even maim anyone, so Samantha was spared from death, and you from entertainment." 

"Why do you hate Sam so much?" 

"She is the one that would defeat us!" 

(Long pause)

"Ah…well…was there anyone that you particularly liked in the house?" 

Hathor smiled. "Daniel Jackson." 

"Yes – you did like him, didn't you? Want to tell us some more about him?" 

"He was my chosen one, who provided me with the code of life." 

(Long pause)

"Okay. We also noticed that you didn't get on very well with Anise – why is that?" 

"The woman annoyed me greatly. She is Tok'ra, to begin with, she was practically crawling over Jack for most of the time – my first jaffa – and she was so arrgoant! She told me that my legs were shorter than hers!" 

"But they are, Hathor." 

(Long Pause)

"Maybe, but she had the nerve to tell me on live television. That can't be legal." 

"Oh…it is legal, Hathor, very legal. In fact, we strongly encourage any kind of insulting remarks, because it makes the show more interesting." 

"Then why would you not allow me to maim Samantha Carter? This would have been entertaining, as all I had to do it with was a wooden spoon and a frozen rainbow trout." 

"There is a large difference between insulting and maiming a person, Hathor." 

"She deserved it. She was the one who would c…" 

"Challenge you. Yes, we know, Hathor." 

(Long, awkward pause)

"You do not understand the seriousness of the situation." 

"Ookkaayyy. Who do you think nominated you, Hathor?" 

"I do not care." 

(Long pause)

"Maybe not, but you must have some idea!" 

"Anise, certainly, and Samantha – the one that would challenge us!" 

"Anyone who wouldn't have nominated you, do you think?" 

"Jack and Daniel Jackson." 

(Sniggers from audience)

"Silence!" 

"Well, actually, Hathor, both Jack AND Daniel nominated you." 

(Long Pause)  


"Okay – why don't we take a look at the house and see what the other housemates are doing?" 

**********

"It's 10:30 in the Big Brother house. Jack is painting Martouf with peanut butter whilst he is asleep. Sam, Janet and Malcolm are in the bedroom, having a pillow fight." 

Sam gasped as Malcolm lobbed a pillow at her. Janet promptly threw one back at the NID agent, who was already in his pyjamas. 

Janet was wearing blue pyjamas, Sam pink and Malcolm yellow. They were just enjoying their fight when Maybourne walked in. 

"Ooh – hope I'm not interrupting anything! Trying to get a threesome, are we Mal? First time, eh?" 

Sam threw her pillow at Maybourne. Janet and Malcolm followed suit, and Maybourne soon found himself being beaten to death, choking on feathers at the same time. 

(Obviously, he wasn't killed, because the Big Brother regulations don't allow for this.)

**********

"Right, so, that's what all the other housemates are doing. We're almost out of time, so, Hathor – who do you think will win Big Brother?" 

"Daniel Jackson." 

"Here are some of your best moments, Hathor. Enjoy – thank you for being so evil for five days." 

"It was my pleasure."

'Daughter of Darkness' by Tom Jones plays in the background, accompanied by various clips of Hathor glaring. 

  
**********

"Next time – " 

"Jack, your first nomination?" 

"Malcolm – he's gonna jump Sam before long, and I can't allow that to happen. That's my job." 

(Long Pause)

"Did I just say that live?" 

"Uh huh." 

"On air?" 

"Uh huh." 

"Oh, f-BEEEEEEP!" 

TO BE CONTINUED…

Author's Note: Ya know there's going to be a plea for feedback, don't you? Please! It's very gratefully accepted. 

**** **** ****


	3. Stargate Big Brother Week 2

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 2

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day six in the Big Brother house. Jack is pouring jello into Martouf's mouth whilst he is asleep. Harry is shaving his armpits in the kitchen sink. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 2 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day six in the Big Brother house. Jack is pouring jello into Martouf's mouth whilst he is asleep. Harry is shaving his armpits in the kitchen." 

"Oh, Maybourne! Why do you have to do that in the kitchen? It's BEEP-ing disgusting!" 

"You like it really, major Carter." 

(Throwing up noise)

"Sam has just run to the bathroom to be sick." 

"I don't need you to BEEP-ing broadcast the BEEP-ing fact that I'm throwing up!" 

"Big Brother would like to remind the housemates that your language must be moderated as it is only ten o'clock in the morning." 

(Throwing up noise)

**********

"It's eleven o'clock in the Big Brother house. Sam has gone back to bed, and Harry is still trying to flush his armpit hairs down the sink. Janet has also entered, thrown up at the sight and gone back to her bed. Malcolm is with the two women." 

"I can't believe what he was doing - uh, God…I feel ill…" 

"Uh…me too. He's just so disgusting." 

"Well, I didn't see, but it must have been bad to make the two of you heave." 

"You have no idea." 

"Harry has entered the bedroom." 

"Uh…get out!" 

"Oh, Sam…I think I'm gonna be sick again." 

"Still looking for that threesome, eh, Malcolm?" 

"Get the hell out of here, you sick t-BEEP!" 

"Love the pyjamas, by the way - they match your eyes!" 

"Get the f-BEEP out of our room (Throwing up noise)" 

"Oh, for the love of…" 

(Throwing up noise)

**********

"It's midnight. All of the housemates are up, and are having a drinking binge. Daniel is already over the limit, and Malcolm is not far behind him. They have decided to put on a show." 

Anise smiled as Jack slowly lost control of his inhibitions, getting more and more pissed. She slyly handed him a glass of wine and smiled as he drank it all, shouting:  
"This is good!"

"Yes, it is, Jack." 

Malcolm made throwing up noises and giggled at Sam. 

"That's dishgushting!"

Sam smiled weakly - she and Janet were still feeling drained from their throwing-up session after seeing Harry shave his armpits in the kitchen sink. 

"Get any closer, and you'll take his eye out with one of them!" Harry smirked, taking another sip of larger. 

Jack threw a cushion at him. 

**********

"It's three a.m. Malcolm, Harry and Jack are still drinking." 

"You're beautiful!" Jack drawled as he looked at Anise. 

She smiled wickedly. "Yes…" she purred. 

Sam and Janet went green again. 

"Uh…Jack?" Sam asked. 

"Oh…hey baby!" he grinned, rolling off of the couch and practically crawling over to her."

Malcolm suddenly fell in front of him, blocking his path to Sam. 

"She's mine, fuckphase. Leave her the fhuck alohne!" 

"Ooh! When did (hic) she become your (hic) gurl, Malcolm?" 

"We're gohnna geht mahrried - have khids!" 

Sam raised her eyebrows and looked at Janet. Janet smirked. 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah!" 

"Want a fight about it, Malcolm?" 

"Bring it on, fhucker!" 

The two men got closer to each other, as if to begin a fight, but promptly fell asleep on the floor and had to be dragged back to their beds by Sam and Janet. 

**********

"It's day seven in the Big Brother house. Malcolm and Jack are still sleeping off the effects of the previous night's alcohol. Harry is in the garden, talking to the chickens. Martouf is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother." 

"Hello Martouf." 

"Hi." 

"How do you feel about the goings-on in the house?" 

"Well, I find them extremely immature - Jack in particular. All the time he barrages me with food produce that we could be consuming! Instead it is wasted!"

"Yes. Have you grown close to anyone in the house?" 

He smiled. "Samantha and I were friends before we came into the house." 

Suddenly, without warning, Jack burst into the diary room. 

"HI!" 

"Hello, Jack." 

"What's he sayin' about my babe?" 

Jack still swayed drunkenly on the spot. 

Martouf's eyes flashed angrily. 

"She is not yours - she is a free spirit! She belongs to no-one!" 

"Yeah - (hic) including you, (hic) Marty!" 

"Why must you always interfere with my life? I am no longer safe in the diary room!" 

"Why did you think you were safe in the diary room to begin with, Martouf?" 

"Well, Jack told me that they switched the cameras off…" 

(Long Pause)

"YOU F-BEEP-ER!" 

"Ya, (hic) sure, you (hic) betcha!" 

(Thud)

Martouf put a hand to his head in despair. 

"I am growing tired of this." 

**********

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon. Janet and Anise are in the garden sunbathing. Malcolm and Daniel have been throwing up in the bathroom for the past three hours." 

"So," said Anise, "You weren't even remotely attracted to Daniel when he was drunk last night?" 

"No, he's my friend, and unlike you, I wouldn't even think about taking advantage of him." 

"Why do you think I would take advantage of him?" 

"Because you're a horny b-BEEP!" 

Anise's eyes flashed angrily. 

"At least I have had a man in the past week!" 

Janet shuddered. "You mean - in this house? WHO?" 

"That would be telling." 

"Aw, come on, Anise! You gotta tell me!" 

Anise smiled. "In the bathroom, for many hours." 

"With who?" 

"He is a man of power." 

Oh, god…Janet thought. 

"He has dark hair…" 

Oh, please no… 

"He works for the NID." 

Maybourne - no. Malcolm - surely the man had more sense…

"You had sex with Malcolm?" 

Anise smiled. "No." 

Janet promptly turned green and threw up in the pool. 

**********

"It's day eight in the Big Brother house. Jack and Martouf are having a fight with some runner beans." 

"Colonel, I am really getting very fed up with all of this childish behaviour!" 

"Well, leave then!" 

"No!" 

"What's stopping you?" 

(Pause)

"Samantha…" 

"Shut up!" 

"Ah, Marty, we all know it's true. Still, she's more likely to go for a man like myself." 

"Oh, really?" Janet asked, "That's why she and Malcolm are making out in the diary room!" 

Jack's mouth dropped in horror and he ran into the diary room, where Janet promptly locked the door. 

She sniggered and walked away from the door. 

"Hey! What the f-BEEP? Janet! I am so gonna f-BEEP-ing kick your ass when I get out of here!" 

**********

"It's eleven o'clock in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the diary room for thirteen hours." 

"Hello Jack." 

"Hi." 

"How do you feel about Janet locking you in the diary room?" 

"I feel hurt - abused, betrayed, lost…" 

"Oh, shut your f-BEEP ing whinging. We want entertainment, not snivelling! Say something interesting, for goodness' sake!" 

(More snivelling)

**********

"It's day nine in the Big Brother house. The housemates are being asked to nominate two of their fellow housemates who will be put to the public vote and one of them will be evicted on Friday." 

"Would Anise please come to the diary room? We would also ask that you throw Jack out and close the door behind you." 

"Hello Big Brother." 

"Anise, your first nomination?" 

"Sam. She and Jack CAN NEVER BE TOGETHER!" 

(Long Pause)

"And your second nomination?" 

"Janet, because she called me a horny bitch on camera." 

"Thank you Anise, could you send Daniel in please?" 

**********

"Daniel, your first nomination?" 

"Anise - she's going to get Jack drunk again and molest him, I'm sure of it." 

(Long Pause)

"Your second nomination?" 

"Harry - for his general lack of hygeine, really." 

"Thank you, Daniel, could you send Harry in please?" 

**********

"Harry, your first nomination?" 

"Malcolm - I keep catching him with the girls and he just makes me sick - trying to get his pervy little threesome…" 

"Your second nomination?" 

"Martouf, because I think he's a whingey little twerp." 

"Thank you Harry - could you send Jack in please?" 

**********

All of the housemates except for Daniel, Jack and Teal'c have one vote each." 

*********  
"Jack, your first nomination?" 

"Malcolm - he's younger and thinks he's more attractive than me. He's going to jump Sam, and I just can't allow it." 

"Your second nomination?" 

"Martouf - he's no fun any more!" 

"Thank you Jack - could you send Janet in please?" 

**********

"Janet, your first nomination?" 

"Anise, because she's becoming a real danger to the men of this house. All of them." 

"And your second nomination?"   


"Harry - the armpit incident was just too much." 

"Thank you Janet. Could you send Malcolm in please?" 

**********

"Malcolm - your first nomination?" 

"Harry - he's making me sick, never mind the women." 

"And your second nomination?" 

"Jack - he's just being totally rude and beats up poor Martouf for no reason whatsoever." 

"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Martouf in please?" 

**********

"Martouf - your first nomination?" 

"Jack. He is being constantly rude and vulgar towards me, as well as the recurrent incidents with food." 

"Your second nomination?" 

"Harry. As I said before - he's from the NID and I don't trust him." 

"Thank you Martouf - could you send Sam in please?" 

**********

"Sam - your first nomination?" 

"Anise - she was all over Jack the other night - I don't want to see her trying to seduce him again, it nearly made me throw up."

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry - he really needs to kick the armpit thing." 

"Thank you, Sam. Could you send Teal'c in please?"

**********

"Teal'c, your first nomination?" 

"I still don't understand…" 

"Big Brother does not give a crap, Teal'c, your FIRST NOMINATION?" 

"Anise. Her futile attempt to seduce colonel O'Neill into an act of passion the other night was unwatchable." 

"Your second nomination?" 

"Martouf has become extremely aggrivating. He is no longer enjoying himself - I believe he would rather return home." 

"Thank you, Teal'c." 

**********

"The votes have been counted. I can now reveal that the three housemates up for nomination are…" 

(Stupidly long pause)

"In alphabetical order…" 

(Stupidly long pause)

"Anise…" 

(Stupidly long pause)

"Harry…" 

(Stupidly long pause)

"And…" 

(Stupidly long pause)

"Martouf." 

**********

"It's day ten in the Big Brother house. Either Anise, Harry or Martouf will be leaving the house in two days. Martouf is still in bed - Anise is once more trying to seduce Jack, and Harry is talking to the chickens again." 

"Hello." 

(Cluck)

"I'm Harry - do you have names?" 

(Cluck)

"I know! I'll count you! Let's see…one…two…three……dammit, what comes after three?" 

(Mocking cluck)

"I'll call you Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. How about that, huh?" 

(Horrified clucking noises)

**********

"It's four o'clock. Harry is still talking to Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Sam and Janet are in the kitchen. Janet is clearing up after Sam's failed attempt at making dinner." 

"I'm such a rubbish cook - it didn't say in the book that you had to boil them for twenty minutes instead of two!" 

"It doesn't matter - we'll just have something else!" 

Harry walked past and sniggered. Sam picked up the not-so mashed potato and threw it at him, pleased to see how it ran down his face in big, thick globs. 

**********

"It's nine o'clock. Harry is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."

"Hello Harry." 

"Hi." 

"How do you feel about being up for nomination this week?" 

"Personally? I don't give a f-BEEP!" 

"Why is this?" 

(Shrug)

"Why did you come on Big Brother in the first place?" 

(Shrug)

"You must have some idea." 

"I was bored." 

(Long, agitated silence)

"Thank you, Harry." 

**********

"It's day eleven in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night. Jack has poured golden syrup in Martouf's bed." 

(Long, high-pitched wailing sound)

**********

"It's Friday night! It's 8:30! IT'S THE BIG BROTHER EVICTION!!" 

"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear." 

"BEEP." 

"I can now reveal that the second person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…"

(Stupidly horrifying long pause in which everyone forgets what they were doing watching this anyway)

"Martouf." 

Martouf smiled as his name was read out - he was going home! 

"Martouf, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!" 

Martouf quickly hugged Janet, spent a little longer hugging Sam (to piss Jack off) and shook hands with Malcolm and Daniel. By then it was time for him to go.

"Five…four…three…two…one…MARTOUF, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. MARTOUF, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…" 

"Join me after the break for the interview with Stargate Big Brother's second evictee - Martouf!" 

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. Stargate Big Brother Martouf's Intervie...

Title: Big Brother Stargate – Martouf's Interview

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Martouf on life in the Big Brother house, food fights with Jack, Anise's flirting and why Teal'c will win. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate – Martouf's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"Welcome back. I'm here with the second week's evictee – MARTOUF!" 

(Mad cheering and whooping from the crowd)  


"So…Martouf…how did you find your two weeks in the Big Brother house?" 

"I found them extremely stressful and tiring. It is not an experience that I would like to repeat."

"And why is that?" 

"Did you not see the way I was constantly being attacked with foodstuffs by Jack? Mocked by Harry? Taken…" 

"Yeah, sure Martouf. Who did you get on well with in the house?" 

"Samantha and Janet. Malcolm and Daniel were also good to me."

"And who did you not get on with?" 

"Jack and Harry. Jack in particular, as I'm sure you have observed. I do not understand why he was attacking me with your edible produce for every morning of the fortnight! It near drove me to distraction…" 

"N…" 

"Quiet! I have not finished! Lantesh feels the same. He is incised that Jack was tormenting us for every minute of every day…" (sob)

"Let's change the subject. Why did you get on so well with Sam?" 

Martouf allowed a dreamy smile to pass over his lips. 

"She was once host to our mate, Jolinar. She was beautiful…" 

"Big Brother has not observed this, Martouf, but whatever turns you on!" 

"I am not an appliance." 

"I know that. What was your favourite moment in the house?" 

Martouf smiled. "When Janet locked Jack in the diary room. She is a very intelligent woman." 

"And why did you enjoy this so much?" 

"Because Jack was locked in a room so small that his ego would not fit into it." 

(Booing from audience)

"Silence!"

"Changing the subject again….who do you think will win Big Brother?" 

"Samantha…" 

"No, Martouf, who do you think will win Big Brother, not who would you like to win Big Brother!" 

"Samantha…" 

"Martouf?" 

"Samantha…" 

"Oh, jeez. MARTY!" 

(Slapping sound)

"Samantha…" 

"Well, here are your best moments, Martouf!" 

(Cry Baby by Jemini plays, accompanied by all of the clips of Jack and Martouf fighting, as well as some lost-puppy eyes and cute smiles.)

"Martouf, everybody!" 

(CHEERING)

"Join us next time for the third week of Stargate Big Brother! Goodnight, everybody!" 

(CHEERING)

**********

Next time:

"It's day fifteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours." 

"I am sooooooo gonna kick your ass, Daniel!"


	5. Stargate Big Brother Week 3

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 3

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day thirteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 3 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"It's day thirteen in the Big Brother house. Jack has been locked in the chicken house for three hours."

"Daniel! I am SO gonna kick your ass!" 

**********

"So…Daniel…how did you come to lock Jack in the chicken house?" Sam asked. 

"Well, It all began at about six-thirty in the morning. I was asleep, so I didn't realise that Jack had snuck in and stolen my glasses."

"Aww - you can't see a thing without them!" said Janet sympathetically. 

"I know. Anyway, Jack didn't realise that I'd woken up, so he went out into the kitchen and I followed him. He started putting jam on them."

"Why?" Sam asked. 

"I don't know. I guess it's because they would stick to my head when I woke up, or something. Anyway, he was putting jam on them when I accidently tripped on a bottle of bacardi that Harry had left on the floor after last night, which made Jack jump. Luckily, he didn't see me, but he took my jammy glasses and ran outside."

"Then what happened?"

"I followed him. He started putting them in the chicken house, so I…well…"

"What did you do, Daniel?"

"I…er…jumped on him, pulled my glasses off of him and…er…well…I accidently shoved him in the chicken house and…er…well…the, well…the lock sort of shut and then I…sort of…walked off."

Janet and Sam whooped. 

"What about the chickens?" Janet asked. 

"They were all outside of the house when I shut him in it. At least Harry won't be able to get on at me."

"Well, that's something. When are you gonna let Jack out?"

"When the mood takes me."

"And…when is the mood likely to take you Daniel?"

"Um…well…I'm not sure entirely, it partly depends on the weather…"

**********

It's ten o'clock in the Big Brother house. Jack has now been locked in the chicken house for thirteen hours, and Daniel is showing no signs of releasing him."

"Would Daniel please go to the diary room?"

"Hello Big Brother."

"Hello Daniel. Why do you feel it necessary to keep Jack locked in the chicken house for so long?"

"I figured it would stop him from annoying people as well as me, and he's always annoying people."

"Don't you think that the chickens might get a bit annoyed, Daniel?"

(Long Pause)

"They're chickens, big brother."

"They aren't just ANY CHICKENS! They're the Big Brother chickens!" 

"Jeez, sorry! I didn't think you were so…passionate about your animals…"

"That's one strike! Two more and you're out!" 

"WHAT?"

"Big Brother awards Daniel one strike for mocking the Big Brother chickens. Two more and he's out."

"WHAT? THIS SHOW IS SO F***ING STUPID! WHY THE F**K DOES IT MATTER ABOUT…"

"Daniel, we are close to awarding you another strike. I would advise you to leave the diary room and do not return until you have made the chickens a written apology."

(Large Expletive lasting approximately 5 minutes)

**********

"It's day fourteen in the Big Brother house. After 24 hours, Jack has been released from the chicken house and Daniel is writing them a written apology."

"This is stupid - I am writing a letter of apology to three chickens!" 

Janet nodded sympathetically, but Harry was mad. 

"How could you evict the chickens from their own home? You're a monster, Daniel Jackson!" he shrieked, and ran into the bedroom. 

**********

"It's three o'clock. Jack is crying, and has locked himself in the diary room. Sam is trying to get him to let her inside."

"Jack! Jack, it's me, Sam. Please let me in."

(Sob) "No!" 

"Why not? Jack, I want to help you."

"You'll LOCK ME in the CHICKEN house again!" 

"No, Jack, I won't lock you in the chicken house. Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon are in there now - and I'm sure they don't blame you at all for what's happened."

"Leave me alone!" 

"Jack, please, open the door for me. I don't like the thought of you being in there all on your own."

Harry snorted a handful of cheese and onion crisps out of his nose and into Malcolm's lap. Malcolm shrieked in disgust and ran outside, throwing himself in the pool to cleanse himself of Harry's cheese and onion snot. 

**********

"It's ten o'clock. Jack has finally let Sam into the diary room, and she is talking to Big Brother with Jack."

"Hello Jack, hello Sam."

"Hi!" 

(Sniff)

"Sam, how do you feel about Daniel locking Jack in the chicken house?"

"I…well…"

"It was m…m…mean!" Jack cried, dissolving into a crying heap on Sam's lap with such momentum that she fell off of the diary room chair and onto the floor. 

"Agghhh! Now I'm hurting everybody!" Jack wailed in distress, and promptly started crying again. 

Sam pulled herself up off of the floor and hugged Jack again. 

"See - I'm fine, Jack. Come on, let's get you into bed with some milkshake."

"C…can I have chocolate?"

"Of course you can."

**********

"It's day fifteen in the Big Brother house. Jack drunk a total of 23 chocolate milkshakes last night, and has now vomited them back up on Sam's bed." 

"AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JJJJAAAACCCCKKKKKK!" 

**********

"Even though it is only eleven o'clock in the morning, Sam is drinking. A lot."

Sam grabbed the bottle of Jack Daniels and swigged from it, ignoring the burning pain that slid down her gullet. 

"Must…drink…more…liquor…"

Janet entered the room and saw the state of her friend. 

"Sam, come on honey, this isn't the way to get through this…." 

"Must…drink…more…liquor……..must…stay…sane!" 

"Oh, who the hell am I kidding?" Janet asked, pulling the bottle off of her friend and taking a large gulp from it. 

"To women!" Sam hiccuped, proposing a toast with her fist. 

"With the patience of saints!" 

**********

"It's three o'clock. Sam and Janet are asleep in the garden on bean bags after getting totally wrecked. Anise is in the pool, trying to seduce Jack."

Jack quickly put a straw in Harry's mouth and began to pour chocolate milkshake into his mouth. 

"Cough - what the h-hell are you doing Jack?" Harry spluttered. 

"I can't drink any more, so you're going to have to."

"Get lost!"

**********

"It's ten o'clock. Sam and Janet are being sick in the bathroom after their overdose on Jack Daniels. Harry seems to think that this is incredibly funny."

"Would Harry please come to the diary room?"

"Hello Big Brother."

"Hello Harry. Why do you think its funny that Sam and Janet are throwing up in the bathroom?"

"Well, the two of them are normally like "Oh, no, I'm a good little girl, I don't drink alcohol" but here they are, totally wrecked and unable to handle it."

"Why do you think they got so drunk, Harry?"

"Jack. Why else does anybody get drunk around here?"

**********

"It's day sixteen in the Big Brother house. Again, we are asking the housemates to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction on Friday."

"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"

"Anise, your first nomination?"

"Daniel. I think that his locking up of Jack in the chicken house was extremely cruel."

"And your second nomination?"

"Sam. She is competition where Jack is concerned."

"Anise, you are aware that you have voted for Sam three times in the past three weeks with this exact same reason?"

"Yes, I'm aware, dammit!" 

"Thank you. Could you send Daniel in please?"

**********

"Daniel, your first nomination?"

"Harry. He sneezed cheese and onion crisps onto Malcolm which was just sooooo gross!" 

"Your second nomination?" 

"Anise. She's being so lovey-dovey with Jack when it's blatantly obvious that he fancies Sam!" 

"Thank you Daniel. Could you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, your first nomination?" 

"Daniel. His locking up of Jack in the chicken house was exceedingly cruel AND it has hurt Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon beyond repair! Surely this monster must be evicted!" 

"And your second nomination?" 

"Jack. He didn't need to cry so much, I mean, for pete's sake it's a chicken house, and he was really annoying me when he was whinging to Sam about chocolate milkshakes." 

"Thank you Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"

**********

"Jack, your first nomination?"

"Daniel. He locked me in the chicken house."

"And your second nomination?" 

"Can I vote Daniel again?" 

"No." 

"Pleeeeeaaaassseeee…."

"NO GODAMMIT! Your second nomination?" 

"Sam - she could have let me out!" 

"Sam. Are you sure you want to vote Sam?"

"Yes."

"Oookay. (Makes note to stir things up ASAP!)

Could you send Janet in please?" 

**********

"Janet, your first nomination?" 

"Sorry to be boring, but Anise again. She's getting closer to Jack and sucking him in…I can see date rape here…"

"Your second nomination?"

"Harry. He's being totally disgusting and he winds Jack up when he's up the wall anyway."

"Thank you Janet. Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm, your first nomination?"

"Harry, for the cheese and onion crisp incident."

"And your second nomination?"

"Jack - he threw up on Sam's bed and that made her get really drunk and sad…"

"Thank you Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Hello Sam. Are you feeling any better?"

(Slurred) "N - o."

"Could we have your nominations before you puke on the diary room chair please?"

(Slurred) "Ha - rry and Anis - e."

"Thank you Sam. Now, piss off out of the diary room before you throw up, and send Teal'c in."

**********

"Hello Teal'c. You've been very quiet - is this a strategy to win, or are you just bored?"

"My first nomination is Anise."

"Why?"

"I do not know. As you stated, I am bored."

"Your second nomination?"

"I am afraid that I must vote Daniel Jackson, for his punishment of Jack did not really fit the crime."

"Thank you Teal'c."

**********

"We can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"In alphabetical order…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Anise…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Daniel…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"And…"

(Stupidly long pause)

"Harry."

**********

"It's day seventeen in the Big Brother house. Because we're evil bastards, we're going to tell a still very hung-over Sam that Jack nominated her and watch the result."

"Would Sam please come to the diary room."

"H-ello Big-Brother."

"Hello Sam. Are you feeling any better?"

"Sorrta…"

"Well, not for long! Sam, did you know that Jack nominated you?"

"WHAT? THAT F***ING B*****D!"

**********

"JACK! WHERE THE F*** IS JACK? JANET, TELL ME WHERE HE IS!!"

"Sam, are you okay?"

"YOU F***ING B*****D! YOU NOMINATED ME! WHY, JACK, WHY? YOU F***ER!" 

"How do you know…I mean…what? Sammie, I didn't nominate you…"

"DON'T CALL ME SAMMIE YOU F***ING B*****D! LEAVE ME THE F**K ALONE!"

**********

"It's day eighteen in the Big Brother house. We have successfully stirred the Sam/Jack nominating incident and now we're still making Daniel apologise to the chickens, even though he may be evicted tomorrow. We just don't care any more."

"This is so stupid."

"Would Daniel please present his letter of apology to the chickens."

"Yes, I'm going."

Daniel placed the piece of paper on the ground outside the chicken house. 

"Would Daniel please read his letter of apology to the chickens ALOUD?"

"WHAT?"

"Would you like a second strike, Daniel?"

"Agh! Okay, here we go. 

Dear Chickens. I'm sorry I shut Jack in your house and I hope that you can find it in your hearts to forgive me. All the best, Daniel Jackson."

"Because you did not use their full names, Daniel, big brother is going to have to ask you to re-write the letter and then read it out again."

"F**K OFF! AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!" 

**********

"It's Friday night! It's eviction night! Which of the three housemates Anise, Daniel or Harry will go? I'm now going live to the Big Brother house to give the result."

"Housemates, you are now live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the third person to be evicted from the big brother house is…"

(Stupidly long pause in which everyone goes out to make a cup of tea and still gets back before the evictee has been announced)

"…ANISE!" 

"Anise, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes and leave the house - I'm coming to get you!" 

"Oh, okay then Anise. Bye - fuck off then!" 

"What?"

"What, you think I actually liked you?"

"Aagghh!" 

"THREE…TWO…ONE…ANISE, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. ANISE, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."

"And Anise is out! Join me after the break for an interview with week 3's evictee from Stargate Big Brother - ANISE!"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	6. Stargate Big Brother Anise's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate – Anise's Interview

Rating: PG-15 

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Anise on life in the Big Brother house, why she hates Sam so much, how cruel Daniel has become and if she really did sleep with Harry! 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate – Anise's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright © 2003 Ruth

**********

"Welcome back! I'm here with the third week's evictee – ANISE!!" 

(Cheering from audience, with a couple of people booing)

"Shut up!" 

(Silence)

"Well, Anise, how did you find your time in the Big Brother house?"

"I enjoyed myself very much, though there were certain people that tested my patience more than once."

"And who would these people be?"

"Sam, Janet, Malcolm and Daniel."

"Why did Janet annoy you?"

"She was always like "Oh, no, Anise is never grateful for anything I do, blah blah blah – I was so bored with her!" 

"What about Daniel?"

"He shut Jack in the chicken house for 25 hours! That was just so cruel!" 

"Okay, Anise, we'll come back to that later. Why didn't you like Malcolm?"

"He was a snivelling little twerp."

(Booing from audience)

"Shut up!" 

"Now, Anise, we did notice over the three weeks that you had a particular hatred for Sam. What we can't work out is why. Can you tell us?"

"She's competition where Jack is concerned."

"Yes, Anise, are you aware that you nominated Sam three times in a row with that exact same reason?"

"I am. I also do not like her for…other reasons."

"Such as?"

Someone from audience shouts: "She's thinner than you!" 

"Shut up!" 

"Okay, Anise, how would you feel if Sam won?"

"Extraordinarily annoyed."

"Right. Oh – one other thing we must know – DID YOU SLEEP WITH HARRY?"

"Yes, I did."

(Cheering and some vomiting from the audience)

"What was he like?"

"It was good."

(More cheering)

"Now we've got that cleared up, let's talk about the Daniel and Jack chicken house incident."

"Daniel started off lovely, and after that he just got so cruel!" 

"Why do you think Daniel shut Jack in the chicken house?"

"He claimed that it was something about his glasses, but I think he was just showing off to the cameras and Janet – he so blatantly fancies her!" 

"How did Jack cope with this?"

"He shut himself in the diary room and cried – the poor sweetheart!"

"Right. How do you feel about him wanting Sam to look after him instead of you?"

"He clearly wasn't thinking straight – I have forgiven him."

"Did you think it was funny when he was sick on Sam's bed?"

"Yes."

(Booing from audience)

"Shut up! What is your problem – are you all Sam supporters or something?"

"Yes!" 

"Why? What is it that you like about her? She's boring! At least I had the decency to hate almost everybody and bitch about them, I even slept with one of them!"

(Some cheering and applause, but not much)

"Anise, do you know that Jack nominated Sam for eviction today?"

"No, I didn't. Why? Oh, please tell me why!" 

"He said that she could have let him out of the chicken house."

"Oh, yes, I remember now. That was when she started running around the house screaming and swearing at him."

"Yes."

"But…you are also aware that Jack nominated you a couple of times?"

"Oh my God." (Starts crying)

(Sniggering from audience)

"Shut up!" 

"Okay, Anise – who would you like to win?"

"Jack. He deserves to win – he's such a sweetie."

"Thank you, Anise. You've been the most interesting housemate by far. Here are your best moments."

('Bitch' by Meredith Brooks plays, accompanied by various clips of Anise's bitching, flirting with Jack and glaring at anything.)

"Thank you ANISE!!" 

**********

Next Time…

"It's day twenty in the Big Brother house. Last night, Jack slepwalked into the kitchen and ate EVERYTHING."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	7. Stargate Big Brother Week 4

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 4

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day twenty in the Big Brother house. Last night, Jack sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate EVERYTHING. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 4 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth (and brother for this week only!)

**********

"It's day twenty in the Big Brother house. Last night, Jack sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate EVERYTHING."

Sam went into the kitchen to get a glass of milk and heard a loud belch. 

"Hello?"

She saw Jack lying on the floor, about five times as fat as he was yesterday. 

"Jack…please don't tell me you've done what I think you've done…"

"BBBBBEEEEEELLLLLLCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHH!" 

"Jack! Jack, you didn't eat all of the food!" 

Sam rushed to the fridge and opened the door, only to find that it came off in her hand. Inside, there was nothing but smeared food and crumbs. 

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 

**********

"Janet! Janet, Jack's eaten all of the f**king food!" 

"WHAT?" 

"Everything - there's no food left!" 

"What?"

"I'm afraid there's no food left, Malcolm."

"Oh, jeez!" 

"Daniel? Daniel, wake up. We've got a bit of a problem."

**********

"Jack has locked himself in the diary room to prevent his fellow housemates from slaughtering him."

"Hello Jack."

"Hello Big Brother."

"Why did you eat all of the food?"

"I was sleepwalking - and I was hungry, for crying out loud!" 

"You do know that the other housemates are extremely annoyed, don't you?"

"Yep."

"And that they won't have any food for another four days?"

"Yep. Well, Sam and Janet keep moaning that they want to lose weight…"

**********

"Oh, what are we going to do?" Janet asked, sitting down next to Sam on the couch. 

"We're going to go hungry, Janet."

"I believe not, Major Carter. There is one source of food that you are all overlooking."

"Which is?"

"The birds that you call chickens."

"NNNNNOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed, "You can't kill Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!" 

"It would have been easier if you hadn't given them fricking names!" Malcolm replied. 

"Shut up, you twat! If anyone wants to kill the chickens they'll have to kill me first!" 

Daniel paused for a moment, and then replied, "I think we can do that."

"AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"

**********

"It's twelve o'clock. Harry has locked himself in the chicken house with Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon in an attempt to protect them. Jack is still locked in the diary room, and the remaining five housemates are beginning to suffer ill effects from their starvation."

"Oh…god…I need TO EAT SOMETHING!" Malcolm screamed, squeezing one of the cushions so tightly that it ripped open and showered him with feathers, which he promptly ate.

"Malcolm - stop eating the feathers!" Sam tried to persuade him. 

"We've only been without food for a couple of hours - we have to last until Friday!" Daniel wailed, biting his fingernails. 

"Please god, Daniel, do not eat them," Janet begged. 

**********

"It's day twenty-one in the Big Brother house. Jack has now locked himself in the bathroom, but the other housemates still have no food. Harry is still locked in the chicken house."

Sam and Janet laid on the couch doing nothing.

Daniel and Teal'c were frantically searching for any kind of food in the kitchen, but to no avail. 

**********

"You cannot eat mould, Daniel Jackson, do not be stupid."

**********

Malcolm thrashed about on the couch, unable to do anything. It was then that Jack made the mistake of leaving the bathroom. 

"AAGGHHH! Why did you eat all of our food?" Malcolm screamed. 

"I was asleep!" Jack shouted, "Pull yourself together!" 

Sam wouldn't look him in the eye, still smarting after the nomination incident. 

"Sam! Sam, please you have to believe me!" 

"Leave me alone."

"FINE then! I wish Anise was still here - she was much better company than YOU!" 

Sam looked at him, severe anger building within her. 

"I'm warning you, Jack O'Neill, now is NOT a good time to piss me off!" 

"Ooh…bring it on, Sammie!"

"What is wrong with you, Jack?" Janet asked. 

"Why is everybody always getting on at me?"

"BECAUSE YOU ATE ALL OF OUR FOOD!" Daniel shouted. 

"I am going outside to speak with Harry - so long, f**kers!"

**********

"It's day twenty-two in the Big Brother house. The housemates still have to last another five days without any food. They have been unable to kill the chickens, and they are growing more restless by the second."

"Sam…" Malcolm moaned softly, rolling off of the couch and into a ball on the floor. 

"It's okay, Malcolm. This will all be over soon."

"I…just wanted to tell you something…"

"What, Malcolm?"

"I…love..you.."

It was then that Sam decided to throw caution to the wind, and she kissed him. 

Not surprisingly, he returned it, and the two of them were soon deep in passion. 

"Aww…" Janet smiled happily, leaving to give the two of them some privacy. 

She was just walking away when she noticed Jack returning from the patio. In slow-motion, she dived in front of him and tried to keep him away.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo!"

She failed, and Jack saw Malcolm and Sam on the floor. 

"Agh!" 

"It's okay, Jack, they'll have to come up for breath soon!"

**********

"It's twelve o'clock. Sam and Malcolm have gone to bed. Together. The other housemates are still going mad due to starvation."

"Janet! Janet, help me! I need to EAT SOMETHING!"

"I know, Daniel, I know."

"Oooh Gaaaaad!"

"Daniel, please calm down!"

"Need…food…"

Daniel's left ear started to jerk violently. 

"NEED…FOOD…"

"Daniel!" 

In an attempt to calm him down, Janet kissed Daniel, and the two of them soon ended up where Sam and Malcolm had been the moment before.

**********

"This is not normal tau'ri practice," Teal'c murmured, his eyebrows meeting in the middle. "I tire of this house."

Teal'c entered the diary room. 

"Hello, Teal'c."

"Hello, Big Brother."

"How are you feeling?"

"I am intensely hungry, Big Brother, and annoyed that you will not provide us with any more food. My tau'ri companions have started acting very strangely."

"They're having sex, Teal'c."

"I KNOW THAT! What do you think I am, Big Brother, a retard?"

"Teal'c do not raise your voice with Big Brother."

"I wish to leave."

"You can't."

"WHY?"

"You have to be evicted by nomination."

"Big Brother, I see no point in staying here."

"Teal'c, at the moment you have been tipped as the one that will win Big Brother."

"AND?"

"You don't want the £70,000 prize money?"

"No. I want to get out of this s**thole."

"You cannot leave until you are evicted, Teal'c."

**********

"It's day twenty-three in the Big Brother house. Due to their shortage (or complete lack of) food, we have cancelled the nominations for eviction on Friday. Instead, there will be a double eviction next week, leaving only five housemates left."

**********

"It's day twenty-four in the Big Brother house. It is 6 am, and the big brother cameras have noticed Teal'c acting suspiciously."

Teal'c went into the garden and looked around him. The blasted cameras were following his every move. He went over to the chicken house and saw that Harry was still there, living off of the eggs that the chickens produced. 

He shuddered, and turned away from the chickens. 

He looked at the wall that was covered with ivy and gritted his teeth. Quickly, he ran towards the wall and jumped onto it, making a desperate bid for freedom. 

"QUICK!" Harry squealed, "TEAL'C IS TRYING TO ESCAPE!"

Teal'c took off one of his shoes and threw it at Harry, momentarily shutting him up. Then, he heaved himself up and over the wall and found himself facing three big brother security guards. 

"Come with us, Mr Teal'c," they said, guiding him away from the house. 

Teal'c waved at Sam, Daniel and Janet who had gathered in the garden. 

"I will see you soon, my friends!"

**********

"It's day twenty-five in the Big Brother house, and the other housemates are still reeling from the shock of Teal'c's escape. Nobody will be evicted tomorrow, but we will be interviewing Teal'c."

Sam sat in the garden and looked at the wall where Teal'c had escaped from. She felt very sad - Teal'c had been a constant, and now he had gone. She knew that he'd been bored out of his mind, but it wouldn't be the same without him. Just as she was deep in thought, she heard footsteps coming out to meet her. 

It was Jack. 

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Look, Sam, I'm sorry I was such an asshole the other day - I just…"

"Oh, Jack." 

Sam ran to him and put her arms around him, holding him tightly.

"Malcolm and I didn't really, you know, do it, we were just doing it for the cameras. Nothing happened, really."

"Really? Why'd you do that?"

"I wanted to get a reaction out of you - and it worked!" she smiled. 

"How does Malcolm feel about it?"

"He said as long as he got to kiss me he'd be happy - and he did."

"I'm sorry - if I hadn't been such a jerk.."

"Jack, you're the only person that's been keeping me awake - it's so boring in here."

"Ah well. Only another couple of weeks, eh?"

"Yeah. So, are we friends again?"

"Yeah. Friends."

**********

"Hello Jack."

"Hello Big Brother."

"We called you here to give you a strike, I'm afraid."

"For crying out loud! Why?"

"You're not supposed to be nice and make friends with Sam, we wanted you to keep on bitching! Nice doesn't make good TV!"

"Get lost! Sam and I are friends now, so f**k your good TV!"

"Can't you at least be hyper and annoying like you were before?"

"No!"

"This is not a show about morals, Jack! It's about shutting a load of people in a house and watching them slowly tearing each other apart!"

"I never said I was gonna be an angel - I'm just not going to hurt Sam any more, okay?"

"Oh, f**k off Jack!"

"You can't say that to me!"

"I'm big brother, I can say what I like. Go on, piss off!"

***********

"It's day twenty-six in the big brother house. Jack is putting straw in Malcolm's hair whilst he is asleep."

"I told you I wouldn't be boring, and now I'll prove it," he said to one of the cameras. 

**********

Sam and Janet, meanwhile, were in the garden trying to prize Harry out of the chicken house. 

"Harry! Harry, it's alright - we'll be getting food today! The chickens are safe - we won't hurt them!"

"Go away!"

"Harry, Teal'c is gone, Jack is annoying Malcolm and Daniel is making drums out of the saucepans - there's no danger!"

"Leave us alone!"

"Harry, don't make us come in there and get you."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"I'm opening the gate…"

"No! Alright, I'm coming! If the chickens get hurt, I'll be coming after you, Major Carter!"

"Yeah sure you betcha."

**********

"After five more days, here is a round-up of events leading into week 5! 

"Sam and Janet have managed to coax Harry out of the chicken house. The housemates are being given another supply of food as we speak. Sam and Jack have made up (Boo!) and Jack is now intent on driving Malcolm to distraction. Teal'c has escaped, and Daniel has been making a drumkit out of saucepans. Also, Sam and Malcolm were just playing up to the cameras earlier - nothing happened between them (Boo!.) Daniel and Janet, however…"

**********

"Join us after the break with week 4's escapee - Teal'c!"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	8. Stargate Big Brother Teal'c's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate – Teal'c's Interview

Rating: PG-15 

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Teal'c on life in the Big Brother house, why he had to escape it, the whole no-food fiasco and why Harry really annoyed him. 

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate – Teal'c's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"Hi! I'm here with the man who escaped from Stargate Big Brother – TEAL'C!"

(Wild cheering from audience)

"Indeed."

"So, Teal'c, that was a fabulous escape you pulled off – was life inside the house really that bad?"

"Indeed it was. I almost went mad inside the house."

"And why was that, Teal'c?"

"There are a number of reasons. The first being Harry."

"What did Harry do that annoyed you so much?"

"Well, his general hygiene was appaling, and the manner in which he addressed many of my friends was not nice."

"I take it you are referring to the armpit-shaving incident."

"Major Carter and Doctor Fraiser were made quite ill by this. I find this appaling – in my society, women are to be protected and not ignored."

(Cheering from audience)

"Thank you, Teal'c. What else about the house annoyed you so much that you had to escape?"

"I was incredibly bored – there was nothing to do, as we were not allowed to observe the televised broadcasts and we were allowed no reading materials."

"So…no books and no TV make Teal'c go crazy, huh?"

"I did not go crazy."

"No, Teal'c, we know, I was just quoting a line from the Simpsons…never mind…"

"Indeed."

"So, Teal'c, how did you react to Jack eating all of the food? Was it hard for you?"

"Obviously it was hard, as I rely on nutrition as much as my friends, but I believe that they had less control over their subsequent actions than I. I was able to channel my hunger into escaping, but they…"

"Shouted, screamed and had sex with each other?"

"Indeed."

"Right. Who did you get on with in the house?"

"Obviously my dear friends Daniel Jackson, Major Carter and O'Neill. I have known them for many months now, and I trust them implicitly. Many a time we have saved each other from the powerful system lords, as well as this entire planet…"

"Big Brother hasn't noticed this, Teal'c, but go on. Who did you not get on with in the house?"

"Harry, as I have previously explained. I also found myself distanced from Hathor and Anise, as they have earned themselves a bad reputation in both mine and my friend's eyes."

"Ooh – what kind of bad reputation?"

"In the words of my friend O'Neill, backstabbing, lying, snake-heads."

"Okay. What about Malcolm and Janet, you haven't said anything about them."

"Janet Fraiser is also my friend. Malcolm, I do not know. He is from the NID, so I do not totally trust him, but he has not demonstrated the greasy-assed and backstabbing behaviour of Colonel Maybourne. I believe that we would have remained friends if I had not escaped."

"What did you think about the whole Daniel-shutting-Jack-in-the-chickenhouse business?"

"I do not believe that Daniel Jackson would have done so unless O'Neill provoked him. O'Neill would certainly have done the same, if worse, in the same situation."

"I don't understand – but before, you said that Daniel's punishment did not fit the crime!"

"As I have said many times, my existence inside the house was extremely boring. I was hardly even aware of what I was saying."

"That excuse needs some work, Teal'c."

"Thank you for informing me."

"No problem. Finally, Teal'c, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother?"

"Either Major Carter or Janet Fraiser. I feel they have put up with a lot inside of the house, and now they are the only two females left, things will probably worsen for them. I have a large amount of respect for them. It would also be amusing for Daniel Jackson or O'Neill to win, as the loser would probably mug the other one to get hold of the prize."

"Thank you, Teal'c, you've been great fun to watch. Here are your best moments."

('Sex Bomb' by Tom Jones plays, accompanied by clips of Teal'c sleeping, smiling, sleeping and…well…other stuff.)

"Thank you everybody, TEAL'C!!" 

**********

NEXT TIME…

"They don't know it yet, but one of the previously evicted housemates will be going back inside…"

"Okay now, I want you to stay calm."

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 


	9. Stargate Big Brother Week 5

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 5

Rating: PG-13

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: It's day twenty-seven in the Big Brother house. The housemates don't know it yet, but one of their previously evicted friends (or not) will be going back inside! Who will it be?

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 5 ~

Copyright © 2003 Ruth 

**********

"It's day twenty-seven in the Big Brother house. The housemates don't know it yet, but one of their previously evicted friends (or not) will be going back inside! Who will it be?"

**********

"It's 10am. Jack and Sam have been talking in the garden since 8 o'clock. Harry is getting rather bored with the situation, and being the little bastard that he is, he decides to mess things up."

Harry smiled evilly as he looked at Sam and Jack in the garden. They'd been talking for two hours and looking at each other in the sort of lovey-dovey way that made him want to barf. He would show them…

Slowly and quietly, he went into the cupboard and pulled out a can of baked beans. He smirked as he removed the lid with a can-opener and tiptoed to the door…

He was so engrossed in his evil plan that he didn't see the shadow behind him. All he heard was the clang of the saucepan as it hit his head and he fell to the floor with a very undignified grunt. The figure then dragged him away, leaving Sam and Jack completely unawares.

**********

When Harry woke up he found himself tied to a radiator with a length of liquorice bootlace. This seemingly weak form of holding him turned out to be very strong, as it was cemented to the wall with black treacle. 

"Help!" he shouted, but was slapped across the face with a wet kipper. 

"Shut up!" the voice snarled, giving his face another slap for good measure. 

**********

"It's 2am. Harry has been missing for four hours, but none of the housemates seem to have noticed. Daniel is asleep on the couch, Jack is stealing his glasses, Sam is in the kitchen and Malcolm is outside in the pool with Janet."

"Hey - has anyone seen Harry?" Malcolm shouted.

"No, not for about four hours."

"Good."

**********

"Help!" 

"Silence! You will not tell them that I have returned, do you understand me? I shall hold you ransom until they give me what I want!"

"Yes. Please, don't hurt me!"

"I wouldn't bother wasting my time. Now, you leave Sam and Jack alone to talk, you understand me?"

"Mmm…"

"I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes! God, stop shouting at me!"

"Good."

"One thing - how come you want Sam and Jack to keep talking?"

A small smile curled on the lips of Harry's captor. 

"I have had a word with Big Brother. They are both in for a surprise on Friday."

"Eviction night? Ooh, are we finally splitting them up?"

"SILENCE! Oh, I suppose it couldn't hurt to tell you, you are just a small blithering NID agent. No, we are not splitting them up - they can do that to each other."

"Oh, please tell me how! Go on!"

"No. It is between me and Big Brother."

"Why are Big Brother being so evil this series? I mean, they don't normally do this, do they?"

His captor shrugged. "Ratings are falling."

**********

"It's day twenty-eight in the Big Brother house. Harry is still being held hostage, but nobody has noticed. In a few minutes, we are going live to the house to tell them that one of their friends is already inside the house - but they don't know where. Actually, neither do we, as we told them to hide."

"Housemates, will you please gather in the diary room."

A few moments of squashing, cursing and bumping later, all of the remaining housemates were squeezed onto the diary room chair.

"Housemates, we have called you here today…Janet, could you, sort of, shift your elbow so that Daniel could actually breathe? That's it…thank you. Anyway, we have called you here today to tell you that one of your previously evicted housemates will be coming back inside!"

"Aaaagghhh!"

"Now, you must think back. Will it be Hathor, Anise, Martouf or Teal'c? Who would you like to come back? Who would you hate to come back?"

"Just get on with it, Big Brother," Jack moaned. 

"No, no - we're not actually going to tell you - they're hidden somewhere in the house, and you have to go find them!"

"Sweet Jesus…."

"Have fun! Also, we would just like to tell you that Sam and Jack are excempt from nomination on Friday."

Sam and Jack looked at each other. 

"Why?"

"Oh, you'll see. Remember - you cannot nominate Sam or Jack! Thank you, housemates."

**********

Daniel cautiously stepped out of the diary room, terrified that Hathor would have returned and tried to jump him. 

He was followed by Jack, who was pleased that Martouf may have returned so that he could beat him up again. 

Janet came out next, her teeth gritted in case Anise had returned, ready to smack her one. 

The others followed, not particularly worried if Teal'c had come back or not, because he would be nice to them. 

**********

Daniel picked up a baseball bat and began to search the kitchen. He very carefully opened each door, looked in each pot (he even looked inside of the oven) but he found no Hathor. 

Just to be careful, he opened the refrigerator - and shrieked. 

**********

Jack checked the bedrooms, wanting to see if Martouf was cowering in a corner. He picked up a feather pillow and prepared to beat the Tok'ra with it, but he only found the remains of a liquorice bootlace, dripping black treacle onto the carpet. 

"Ew…gross!" said Jack, picking up the bootlace, inspecting it, and then eating it. 

**********

Janet snarled as she opened the bathroom door, ready to give Anise her biggest bitch-slap in the history of bitch-slaps, but she checked every corner and found no-one there. Strange, she thought, but be vigilant! The bitch could be in here somewhere…

She went back to her prowling, checking the cabinets and jumping as she turned around and saw her reflection in the mirror.

**********

"Teal'c?" Sam called, "Teal'c, are you back? Hello? Give me a clue of where you are, dammit!"

She heard a muffled squeak from the directon of the diary room and froze. 

"Jack?" she asked. 

"Yeah?" he asked, coming out of the bedroom chewing on a liquorice bootlace, black treacle smeared on most of his face. 

"Ew." Sam then pulled the remaining bit of bootlace out of his mouth, inspected it, and then ate it. 

**********

Janet, Malcolm, Sam, Jack and Daniel met in the living room, still lost as to where their new housemate was. 

"Well, I heard a funny noise coming from the diary room a moment ago," said Sam, as she tried to dislodge Jack's hand from her butt, where it had been lingering for a little while too long. 

"Uh, Sam?" Jack said, as the others got closer to the diary room. 

"What? Jack, get your hand off of my ass!"

"Um…I can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"I…well…um…the black treacle kinda…stuck…"

"Aaaaagggghhhhhhh!"

**********

"The housemates are congrigated outside the diary room, where Sam heard noises. Jack has managed to get his hand glued to Sam's butt with black treacle. He's doing a very bad job of pretending that it's an accident."

**********

"Who's gonna go in?" Jack asked, twisting round to try and get to the eye level of his housemates, which was exceedingly difficult. 

"I'm not doing it!" Daniel shrieked, "Hathor might be in there!"

"And I'm not doing it - Anise might be in there," Janet warned. 

"Well, Jack and I can't - we're a little bit stuck here," Sam replied. 

"Malcolm, you'll have to do it."

"Oh, bugger! Fine then, I'll open the f*cking door."

"NO ONE WILL OPEN THE DOOR!"

"Agh!"

"Who was that?"

"I HAVE HARRY HERE, AND IF ANYONE COMES IN I WILL KILL HIM!"

"Oh, well. Lunch, anybody?"

"GODAMMIT! OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR THEN, SEE IF I CARE!"

Malcolm pulled open the door to reveal Harry and his captor. 

"Now, I want you to stay calm."

"AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!"

*********

"It's day twenty-nine in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow, the housemates will be asked to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction, but Sam and Jack are excempt from the nominations, as well as the newly-rejoined housemate, who we can now reveal to be…"

"In alphabetical order…"

"ANISE!"

**********

Jack screamed and ran into the bedroom, unfortunately dragging Sam along with him (because his hand was stuck to her butt.)

Anise smiled, and relinquished her grip on Harry. 

"It's so good to be back," she smiled. 

**********

"It's day thirty in the Big Brother house. Today is nomination day!"

"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday, apart from Sam and Jack, and give your reasons."

"Janet, because she's an annoying bitch, and Malcolm, because he's a whinging twerp. I would like to take this moment to thank the viewers for voting me back in. THANK YOU! Yes, I will send Daniel in."

**********

"Daniel, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Urm…well…I'm gonna have to say Malcolm, purely because I don't know him - but I do like him! And, erm…Harry, for being such a pain in the backside."

"Thank you, Daniel. Would you send Harry in please?"

**********

"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"I'm going to nominate Daniel, for being such a pain in the backside and MOCKING THE CHICKENS!"

"Your second nomination?"

"Hmm. Janet or Malcolm? Janet or Malcolm….nope, it's gonna have to be Malcolm."

"Why?"

"Because I don't like him. He annoys the f**k out of me."

"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"

**********

"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Okay, but this is gonna have to be quick, 'cos Sam's outside the door and I've sorta closed it on my arm. Okay, first nomination - Harry, for being such an ass."

"And your second nomination?"

"Urm…Malcolm, just because I can't vote Janet, 'cos she's the one with all the honkin' needles…"

"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Janet in please?"

**********

"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Oh, okay, urm…Harry, for being a bastard constantly, and..oh…DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T I VOTE FOR ANISE?"

"Because she's excempt from nomination this week. Your second nomination, Janet?"

"Oh…oh, Malcolm then. I'm sorry Malcolm - I like you, but I can't vote for my sweet Daniel…OH, SHIT DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?"

"You did, Janet."

"Crap!"

"Could you send Malcolm in please?"

**********

"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise, Jack and Sam, and give your reasons."

"Okay, I'm definitely going to vote Harry, for being such a bumptious little squirt, and…urm…this is so hard, you know? We've all become good friends, and…"

"Would you quit the sentimental crap and give us your f*cking nomination, Malcolm?"

"Alright - Daniel! I vote Daniel, because, urm…I do!"

"Thank you. Could you send Sam in please?"

**********

"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction, excluding Anise and Jack, and give your reasons."

"Okay. We're going to have to make this quick because Jack's arm is shut in the door. I vote Harry for being an NID agent, and…oh, hell. I…I vote Malcolm! Just because I think he'd be happier out of this show, but he's such a sweet guy…"

"Can it, Carter! Go on, get the hell out of the diary room, f**k off!"

**********

"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We can now reveal that the three housemates who are up for eviction on Friday are…in alphabetical order…"

"Daniel…."

(Hideously Long Pause)

"Harry…"

(Hideously Long Pause)

"And…"

(Hideously Long Pause)

"Malcolm."

**********

"It's day thirty-one in the Big Brother house. Sam and Jack have finally managed to unstick themselves. Harry and Anise are doing the wild thing in the bathroom, Malcolm is in the pool (again) and Daniel and Janet are on the couch, talking. Sam and Jack are in the kitchen."

"Janet, you're gonna have to accept that I might be leaving on Friday."

"Nnnoooo!"

"Listen, honey, I've had enough of it in here - I want to go back home, read some more of my stuff, drink my special coffee! Besides, they're all gonna hate me because of the chickenhouse incident."

"They won't hate you!" said Janet. 

"Yeah, they will. I bet you anything that Jack's gonna win. Listen, if anything - I want to leave on Friday."

"No!"

"Janet, stop doing that! Janet, please! Sam - could you come over here and remove Janet?"

"Not unless you come over here and remove Jack."

**********

"It's day thirty-two in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow night, either Daniel, Harry or Malcolm will be leaving the house for good. As he is convinced that it is his last full day in the house, Daniel is in his room packing."

"Janet, please stop crying!" 

"No! Daniel, you can't leave!"

"Sam'll be here with you!"

"Not if Anise gets her own way - you know what a manipulative bitch she is!"

"Well, you'll always have Jack."

Janet burst into tears and cried harder. 

**********

"What if I leave tomorrow?" Harry asked Anise, who was in the bath. 

Anise shrugged, and took a sip of her champagne. 

"But..I thought…I thought you loved me!"

"Please, NID boy! You're good for a ride, but there really wasn't anything more than that."

"I don't believe you! You must love me!"

"Harry! You are talking to me whilst you're on the toilet! You shaved your armpits in the kitchen sink! How can you possibly expect me to love you?"

"You're nothing but a cold hearted bitch, Anise!" Harry snarled, pulling up his underpants and running out of the bathroom crying, forgetting to flush. 

Anise rolled her eyes, and took another sip of champagne. 

"It's so tiring, being the Big Brother bitch."

**********

Malcolm sat in the living room with Sam. 

"Malcolm, if you go tomorrow - I…I just want you to know that I'll miss you."

"Thanks, Sam - I'll miss you too."

"Just as a friend, though."

"Yeah, of course!"

Malcolm pulled her into a hug, one that she remained in for many minutes. 

**********

Anise sat in the bathtub with a huge smile on her face. 

"Boy, are Sam and Jack gonna get a huuuge surprise tomorrow night…" she smiled, and laughed wickedly, cursing when she slopped bath bubbles into her champagne glass. 

**********

"IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT! IT'S EVICTION NIGHT! I am now going live to the house to reveal to the housemates who has been the fifth person to be evicted from Stargate Big Brother 2003."

"Big Brother housemates, this is Big Brother. You are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the fifth person to be evicted from the Big Brother house is…"

(A pause so incredibly long that you could go out, rent 'The Shawshank Redemption' DVD, come back, watch all of it (including the extras) and then switch back to channel 4 and still not know who had been evicted.)

…."Daniel."

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Janet screamed in agony. 

"Daniel, you have one minute to say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"

Daniel first went and shook hands with Malcolm, then with Jack. 

"It's been wild, spacemonkey," he smiled. 

He then put his middle finger up at Harry and Anise, and turned back to Janet.

"I'll be okay, honey," he said, pulling her into a hug and kissing her. 

"Bye Daniel," Sam smiled, hugging him and placing a sisterly kiss on his cheek, "Take care."

"FIVE…FOUR…THREE…TWO…ONE…DANIEL, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. DANIEL, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE…"

Daniel turned around and waved at his friends before the doors closed, stepping outside to a mass of hysterical screaming and cheering - not a boo to be heard. 

He smiled his cutest smile and 1,000 women promptly fainted into the row of reporters. 

"Join me after the break for an interview with Daniel, but but for now I'm going back to the house to announce something to Sam and Jack."

**********

"Sam and Jack, this is Big Brother. We have a little surprise for you, if you'd like to look in the storage room."

Sam and Jack went over to the storage room and opened the door. 

"Fuck!" they both said in unison. 

Sara O'Neill and Jonas Hanson stood inside. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

TO BE CONTINUED… 


	10. Stargate Big Brother Daniel's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate – Daniel's Interview

Rating: PG-15 

Spoilers: None

Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"

Summary: Daniel on life in the Big Brother house, why he really shut Jack in the chickenhouse, his terror of Hathor and his opinion of Big Brother's latest cruel, ratings-raising scheme.

Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended. 

Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. 

~ Big Brother Stargate – Daniel's Interview ~

By Ruth

'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth

**********

"Hello everyone, I'm here with week 5's evictee DANIEL!"

(Mad Cheering from crowd)

Daniel held up his hand, waved and smiled and another 1,000 women promptly fainted. 

"Daniel, we're gonna have to ask you to stop doing that, or you'll have no audience left."

"Oh, okay."

"Daniel, how did you find life inside of the Big Brother house?"

"Well, I enjoyed it to start with, but after about week 3 I started to get tired, and I just wanted to go home. There really is nothing to do all day but sleep, on a good day we can have a fight, and then sleep some more. It was Teal'c leaving that really did it for me – he made me realise that I'd had enough as well, but I can't climb walls as well as he can."

"So you're saying you would have escaped if you'd had the chance?"

"Well, I'm not sure. I would have had to leave Janet…"

"Aww. How would you describe your relationship with her?"

"I think…we're in love. We're very good friends, she can put up with my intense coffee addiction…"

"And didn't you become just 'more than friends' at one point in the house, Daniel?"

(Daniel blushes, another 500 women faint. Jeez, he's got a big crowd!)

"Urm…well…"

"We saw you! It was the same time as Sam and Malcolm."

"Yeah but they…"

"They claim that they were playing up to the camera, I know – lying fuckers! C'mon Daniel, they weren't acting, were they?"

(Daniel shifts about uncomfortably in his chair)

"They were playing up to the cameras, and I will say no more on the subject."

(Audience: Whhoooooooooooooo!)

"Okay then, we'll change the subject. We noticed that one housemate you had particular trouble with was Hathor. Could you explain why?"

"Well, if she was chasing you around the Big Brother house in her underwear claiming that you were her beloved, I'm sure you'd get a bit freaked out!"

"Okay, you do have a valid point there Daniel. Do you think she really did like you, or was she just trying to freak you out?"

"A bit of both, I think."

"Now, Daniel, one thing we do need to speak to you about is the Jack and chickenhouse fiasco. What the hell happened?"

"Well, Jack got up early and stole my glasses from the table beside my bed. He thought I was asleep, but I wasn't, 'cos I'd been up with a migrane all night…"

(Audience: Awwwwww….)

"Anyway. I got up, my head felt like it was gonna split open and I was of course mad about my glasses. I saw him putting jam on them and taking them outside and I thought I was really gonna lose it. Instead, I took my glasses off of him, shoved him in the chickenhouse and ran off."

"Don't you think you may have overreacted a little?"

"No! I'll tell you who overreacted – you! Giving me a strike for 'mocking the chickens' WHAT THE FUCK? I don't care if they're 'Big Brother Chickens' THEY'RE STILL CHICKENS! So you then gave me a strike for defending myself against Jack's irritating tactics, which you didn't do when Jack was beating Martouf mercilessly with a french stick. WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON IN YOUR HEADS?"

(Wild cheering from audience)

"Daniel, did you once stop to think about the welfare of the Big Brother chickens?"

"No, I had other things on my mind."

"But the chickens are a part of your Big Brother hierachy. Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon are there to…"

"I DON'T CARE! IF HARRY HADN'T GONE AHEAD AND NAMED THE F*CKING THINGS, WE WOULD HAVE F*CKING WELL EATEN THEM!"

(Interviewer stands up, shocked. Audience still cheers wildly.)

"Daniel! You can't seriously suggest that you would have EATEN Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!"

"Well, if Jack hadn't eaten out the ENTIRE f*cking contents of our f*cking kitchen, we wouldn't have had to even think about it!"

"Fine, fine. I'll change the subject for now. Oh – Daniel – are you aware of what happened after you left the house last night?"

"Is this to do with Jack and Sam?"

"Yes, it is. Well, basically – this was Anise's idea – we decided to give them a little surprise. Roll the film, guys!"

(Daniel watches in horror)

"Sam and Jack, this is Big Brother. We have a little surprise for you, if you'd like to look in the storage room."

Sam and Jack went over to the storage room and opened the door. 

"Fuck!" they both said in unison. 

Sara O'Neill and Jonas Hanson stood inside. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

(Clip ends)

"Oh my God! I can't believe you did that to them! Why?"

"Daniel, our ratings are falling. We had to do something to spice up the show! We thought Anise's idea was brilliant!"

"Oh, yeah, brilliant – Jonas is a FUCKING PSYCOPATH!"

"Ooh. Good!"

"Good? GOOD? He'll probably kill them all!"

"Ooh! Even better!"

"I can't believe you!"

"You don't have to believe us, Daniel, just watch the program. How do you think Sam and Jack will react to this?"

"Well, I'm sure they'll both be very shocked, but from what I've heard from Jack, Sara's okay. It's Jonas I'm worried about – he should BURN IN HELL for what he's done!"

"What has he done?"

"None of your f*cking business! Now, can we wrap this up, as I'm sure you've noticed I need some coffee, or I'm gonna get more irritated."

"Okay. Who would you like to see win Big Brother, Daniel?"

"I think Malcolm should win – he's been true to himself the whole time, he's had to put up with being the only person not from SG-1 or our circle of friends, and he's a really nice guy. I think he deserves to win."

"Thank you, Daniel. You've been thoroughly entertaining. Here are your best moments."

('Right Kind of Wrong' By LeAnn Rimes plays, accompanied by all of the clips of Daniel smiling, laughing, hugging Janet, shutting Jack in the chicken house, talking to Big Brother and, hell..nearly everything)

"Thank you, everybody – DANIEL!!"

**********

NEXT TIME…

"How do you think I feel? You've released my f*cking mad ex-fiancée into the house, as I predicted he's gone mad and now he's hunting us down like animals! Yeah, Big Brother, I'm having a f*cking wonderful day! Tickedy-boo!"

TO BE CONTINUED…


	11. Stargate Big Brother Week 6

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 6  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: Spoilers from the 'Scream' films, 'Psycho' and 'The Shining.'  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. It's two o'clock. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. Also, you need to know what Sunny D is for this one, so if you don't, email me.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 6 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-three in the Big Brother house. The arrival of Sara and Jonas has sent shockwaves around the house. Jonas is already causing trouble, and Sam and Jack have locked themselves in the diary room."  
  
Jack snorted in his sleep, turned over and rolled off of the diary room chair where he'd been asleep. This woke Sam up, who had been sleeping on the floor.  
  
  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Tell me that this was just some horrible, horrible dream?"  
  
"I'd love to, Jack, but..."  
  
There was a pounding on the diary room door.   
  
"HEEEEEY GUYS! YOU GONNA COME OUT AND PLAY?"  
  
Jack moaned and rolled up in a ball, covering his ears with his arms.   
  
"F*CK OFF JONAS!" Sam yelled, getting a high-pitched giggle in response.   
  
"Dirty language, Sammie, VERY naughty language!"  
  
Sam bit her lip and went over to Jack, trying to rouse him from his state of depression.   
  
"I'm sorry, Jack, I..."  
  
"It's not your fault. Jonas is just a f*cking lunatic."  
  
**********  
  
"It's eleven o'clock in the morning in the Big Brother house. Jonas is in the kitchen, drinking Sunny D. Sara is in the pool with Anise, and Janet is still mourning the loss of Daniel from the house. Sam and Jack will now attempt to escape from the diary room."  
  
Malcolm walked into the kitchen and saw Jonas downing his 5th bottle of Sunny D.  
  
He shivered a little with disgust and tried to move across the kitchen to get himself a yoghurt but Jonas leapt at him like a wild animal.  
  
"NO!" he screeched, "NO, THE SUNNY D IS MINE!"  
  
"I don't want any of your f*cking Sunny D!" Malcolm hollered back, "I want a f*cking yoghurt!"  
  
"Ooh, yoghurt boy!" Jonas teased, dancing around him in a circle, still swigging from the bottle.   
  
"Shut up," Malcolm said, pushing past him to get to the fridge.   
  
It was at that moment that Sam and Jack attempted to escape from the diary room.   
  
Jonas caught sight of Sam and squealed happily, shutting Malcolm inside the fridge and leaning against the door. Malcolm could only let out a muffled squeak of surprise before the door closed.   
  
Sam looked at him in horror.   
  
"Jonas! You can't shut him in the fridge! Let him out NOW!"  
  
He giggled childishly. "I like it when you get mad, Sammie," he smirked.   
  
Jack stomped over to him and wrenched the bottle of Sunny D out of his hand.  
  
"You let Malcolm out of that fridge RIGHT NOW, or so help me I will ram this up your **** sideways!"  
  
Jonas giggled again. "Oo-ey, tiger! Sorry, mate, I'm not that way inclined!"  
  
Jack grimaced in disgust and stepped away from Jonas, putting the Sunny D back on the counter. At that point, Harry bounded out of the bedroom in his Pikachu underwear.   
  
"Hey, Jonas! Will you be my friend?" he said, sidling up to him and smiling.   
  
Jonas looked at him for a long moment before replying.   
  
"Dude, you're wearing Pikachu underwear."  
  
"Yeah! Cool, aren't they? "Go, Pikachu!" Harry made movements with his hands and kept grinning.   
  
Sam and Jack looked at each other. Jonas looked at Sam and Jack, then back at Harry.   
  
"Dude, get the f*ck out of my way."  
  
Harry's face fell as Jonas walked past him, still holding the bottle of Sunny D.   
  
"Catch ya later, babe!" he whispered in Sam's ear as he passed her, walking outside to see Anise and Sara.   
  
Sam shuddered, looked back at Harry and shuddered again. Jack started to cry.   
  
"What?" Harry asked. "Sam, your ex-boyfriend is really cool - do you think you could talk to him about me being his friend?"  
  
Sam stared at Harry for a long moment. "I can tell you one thing - you'll have to lose the Pikachu shorts."  
  
"Oh. Okay," said Harry, promptly pulling down his underwear.   
  
Jack wailed and Sam screamed in terror.   
  
***********  
  
"It's one o'clock in the Big Brother house. Malcolm has been shut in the fridge for two hours."  
  
"OH SHIT!" Sam cried, suddenly remembering.   
  
**********  
  
She ran over to the fridge and opened the door, catching the frozen Malcolm as he fell into her arms.   
  
"Jack! Jack, I need some help here!"  
  
Unfortunately, Jack was still puking up in the bathroom, and a different man intercepted her cry for help. It was Jonas.   
  
"Hey babe, what's up?"  
  
"Malcolm has frozen," she said, not making eye contact with him, "We need to warm him up."  
  
"Oh, okay," Jonas agreed, picking up the foot end of the Malcolm ice cube and helping Sam take him outside.   
  
"Jonas, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm turning the barbecue on."  
  
**********  
  
It's two o'clock in the Big Brother house. Anise and Sara have been talking in the pool for three hours, and Jonas is defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue."  
  
"C'mon, bitch!" Jonas moaned, taking another drink of Sunny D and turning Malcolm over on the barbecue. He was still frozen.   
  
Sara shook her head.   
  
"I don't understand it - how could he be so frozen if he's only been in the fridge?"  
  
Jonas grunted. "He was in there for two hours."  
  
"Yeah, but, even so - he wouldn't be in a block of ice like he is now."  
  
Jonas shrugged and gave Malcolm another turn. "All I know is that his butt won't defrost."  
  
**********  
  
"So...how long were you married to Jack?" Anise asked, taking a sip out of her champagne glass.   
  
"Oh, well..."  
  
"Years? Months? What are we talking here?"  
  
"Years."  
  
"Oh. So, you'd say that he was a long-term sort of guy."  
  
Sara frowned. "Why are you asking me this?"  
  
"I plan on marrying him," Anise sighed happily, drinking the remainder of her champagne.   
  
Sara laughed loudly for a moment, and then stopped.   
  
"Oh God, you're being serious?"   
  
Their conversation was interrupted by Jonas beating Malcolm's frozen head against the wall, trying to break off some of the ice.  
  
"Gawdammit!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-four in the Big Brother house. Jonas is still turning Malcolm on the barbecue, and Jack has finally recovered from Harry front-mooning him. Sara, however, has not recovered from the shock of Anise's plan, and needs to tell her ex."  
  
"Uh...Jack...could I have a word?" Sara asked, gently pulling on his arm.   
  
"Sure," he replied, watching Harry warily out of the corner of his eye.   
  
"Well, you know...you know that Anise woman?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"She wants to marry you."  
  
Jack paled, but shrugged. "Haven't you been watching this, Sara. She's been flirting with me the entire six weeks."  
  
"No, I tuned in the week you sleepwalked into the kitchen and ate everything."  
  
"Oh, great."  
  
**********  
  
Harry ambled out to the barbecue to meet Jonas, who was finally having some success in defrosting Malcolm.  
  
"Hi, Jonas!" he smiled, jumping up and down on the spot.   
  
Jonas looked at him in disgust. He was wearing a hawaiian shirt, with tight denim shorts that obviously belonged to Anise.  
  
"Dude, you're wearing women's shorts." He replied, turning up the barbecue heat.   
  
"I know - Anise said they showed off my...more important features!" Harry grinned, and Jonas turned a shade of pale green.   
  
"That is gross," he replied, looking at Sam who had just walked outside.   
  
"Hey, babe, can you come over here for a moment?" he asked.   
  
Sam eyed him warily, but went over anyway.   
  
"Yeah?" she asked.   
  
Jonas slipped his arm around her waist before she could protest.   
  
"Now. Is Harry, or is he not, wearing women's shorts?"  
  
"Ugh..God!"  
  
"Yah. Does he, or does he not, look like a f*cking arsehole?"  
  
"Yup. He does."  
  
Harry frowned, folding his arms.   
  
"Lose the shorts?" he asked.   
  
"Yeah!" Jonas almost shouted, before Sam had a chance to warn him.   
  
"AAAAGGHHHH! DUDE, PUT SOME F*CKING UNDERWEAR ON!"  
  
"Then I'll have a pantyline!"  
  
Jonas almost collapsed, and Sam had to hold him upright. Just then, Malcolm woke up.   
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" he yelled, jumping up off of the barbecue and running to the pool, throwing himself in. Sam watched as the steam rose from his burnt butt.   
  
"Agh, yoghurt boy finally defrosted."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and whilst Jonas and Sara can be nominated, they can not be evicted. Strange, huh? Nah, we're just trying to boost our ratings."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-six in the Big Brother house. We are asking the housemates for their nominations."  
  
"Anise, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"I'm going to nominate Sam - you know the reason why, and Janet, because she's been crying for her precious Daniel and I just want her to piss off."  
  
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Harry, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"I'd like to nominate Sam, for not talking to her boyfriend about making friends with me, and Jack, because I couldn't nominate him last week and he said I had a small d..."  
  
"THANK YOU, HARRY. Could you send Jack in please?"  
  
"Yes, I will. But I don't have a small..."  
  
"HARRY!"  
  
**********  
  
"Jack, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"I'm going to vote Harry, because he was totally out of line with the 'drop-your-pikachu-pants' thing, and Jonas, because he's a fucking psycopath."  
  
"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Janet in please?  
  
**********  
  
"Janet, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"I'm going to vote for Sara, because she might get in the way of Jack and Sam's relationship, and Jonas, for being a total idiot."  
  
"Thank you, Janet. Could you send Jonas in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Jonas, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"Hey Big Brother! This is so fucking cool, I'd just like to say thanks for putting me in here with ma babe again. Oh, okay, erm...nominations...uh...Jack, for getting in the way of me and my babe, and Janet, 'cos she's been all whingey and crying for her Daniel, or whatever. BORING!"  
  
"Thank you, Jonas. Do you think you could do something really evil to boost our ratings?"  
  
"Hmm. More evil than putting Malcolm on the barbecue?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"I'll see what I can do. Oh, and yeah, I'll send yoghurt-boy in."  
  
**********  
  
"Malcolm, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"Jonas, for shutting me in the fridge AND THEN having the nerve to put me on the barbecue! And, erm, Harry, 'cos wearing women's shorts was just the last straw."  
  
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Sam, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"Okay, I'm going to nominate Anise, for continuously flirting with Jack and making him miserable, and Harry for the pikachu pants incident."  
  
(Long Pause)  
  
"So...you're not going to vote for Jonas, then?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yes. Shall I send Sara in?"  
  
"Oh, please do. You're sure you don't want to vote Jonas?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
**********  
  
"Sara, we would like you to nominate two housemates for eviction on Friday and give your reasons."  
  
"I'm going to nominate Janet, because she obviously wants to go home to Daniel, and Anise, because I can't let her marry Jack. She's a whore."  
  
"Thank you, Sara."  
  
**********  
  
"We can now reveal that the housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."  
  
(STUPIDLY long pause)  
  
"In alphabetical order..."  
  
(STUPIDLY long pause)  
  
"Harry..."  
  
(STUPIDLY long pause)  
  
"Janet..."  
  
(STUPIDLY long pause)  
  
"And..."  
  
(STUPIDLY long pause)  
  
"Jonas."  
  
"But, because Jonas CAN'T be evicted, that means that it's just Harry and Janet up for eviction! Who will stay and who will go? You decide."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-seven in the Big Brother house. Jonas has finished all of the Sunny D and has gone into a state of Sunny D depravation, aggrivated by his psychosis and desperate need to get laid. He is now hunting the housemates down one by one, wearing a scream mask that we have no idea of where it came from."  
  
He sniggered and looked behind the couch, but found nobody.   
  
At that point, Harry bounded into the room.   
  
"AAAGGHHHHH!"  
  
"Harry, if you find me a large, pointy knife, I will spare you."  
  
"Oh, thanks. I'll be right back."  
  
Jonas cringed from behind the mask.   
  
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"  
  
"Oh. Sorry."  
  
Harry then went off in his search for the pointy knife.   
  
**********  
  
"How are you feeling today, Sam?"  
  
"How do you think I feel? You've released my f*cking mad ex-fiancée into the house, as I predicted he's gone mad and now he's hunting us down like animals, wearing a scream mask! Yeah, Big Brother, I'm having a f*cking wonderful day! Tickedy-boo!"  
  
**********  
  
Anise hid in the bath, pulling the curtain around her. She nearly screamed as the door burst open and Jonas walked in, holding a pointy knife. She screamed as he pulled the curtain back, then paused for a second, the blade raised.  
  
"Oh, wait a minute," he groaned, "This is from Psycho, isn't it?"  
  
Anise shrugged. "I do not know what you are talking about."  
  
"Oh, of course, you're that Tok'ra whore. Sure. Okay, if you find me a long black cape I will spare your life."  
  
"Oh, thank you! I'll be right back!" she promised, running out of the room.   
  
Jonas cringed again from behind the mask.   
  
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!"  
  
**********  
  
Sam and Jack were still hiding in the diary room, backed up against the wall as far away from the door as possible.   
  
Suddenly, an axe ripped through the wood and Jonas put his head through, grinning wildly. Then, the grin disappeared.   
  
"Oh, hell. This is from 'The Shining', isn't it?"  
  
Sam nodded.   
  
"Okay. Jack, I'll spare your life If you put on a blonde wig and let me call you Sydney."  
  
"Oh, sure. I'll be right back."  
  
"DON'T say, 'I'll be right back," BECAUSE THEY NEVER DO!" Jonas screeched.   
  
Jack ran away in terror, looking for a wig.   
  
"Looks like it's just you and me," he smiled.   
  
"Fuuuck you!" Sam said, spitting at him.   
  
**********  
  
Malcolm went into the kitchen and opened the knife drawer, horrified to find it empty.   
  
"Going somewhere, yoghurt boy?" Jonas asked.   
  
Malcolm whirled around in the dark. He couldn't see him, but he heard his voice.   
  
He could also smell gas in the air.   
  
"Don't do anything, Jonas!" Sam warned from somewhere behind him.   
  
"Yeah, we've got you, now."  
  
Jonas soon realised that he was surrounded, but smiled from beneath the mask.   
  
"No, I've got you. The one I spare will be the one that lights the match."  
  
"Wha...?" Jack asked, reaching for a box of matches.  
  
"NO!" Sam shouted, "Haven't you seen the films? You'll blow up in a ball of fire and the rest of us will be stabbed horribly!"  
  
"Oh. Right, I'll go then."  
  
"Hello, Sydney."  
  
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"  
  
"Oh, for pete's sake," said Sam, flipping the light back on.   
  
Jonas' shoulders slumped, and he pulled off the mask.   
  
"Sammie, I was having a moment, there!"  
  
**********  
  
Everyone looked around to see Anise and Sara wearing identical dresses, with their hair tied in bunches.   
  
"Come and play with us, Harry."  
  
Jonas grimaced. "No, now we're back to 'The Shining' again. I am the true master."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day thirty-eight in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and either Janet or Harry will be leaving the house. For now, Jonas has been locked in the freezer and Malcolm finally got his yoghurt."  
  
"Aw, man! Best before, day thirty-seven. CRAP!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's Friday night! It's eviction night! I am now going live to the house."  
  
"Big Brother housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the sixth person to be evicted from the Stargate Big Brother house is..."  
  
(Here we go with the long pause again. Okay, this one is SOOOOO long that you could go out, grab some fish and chips, drive to John O'Groats from Land's End and back again, then come back home and still not know who had been evicted.)  
  
"Janet!"  
  
Sam flung her arms around Janet and tried not to cry.  
  
"Janet, you have thirty seconds to collect your belongings and say goodbye - I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"  
  
Sam and Janet were still in a hug when the twenty-second countdown began.   
  
"Good luck, honey," Janet smiled.   
  
"You say hi to Danny and Teal'c from me," Sam smiled, giving her a last hug and allowing the others to say goodbye.   
  
"FIVE...FOUR...THREE...TWO...ONE....JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JANET, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."  
  
Janet stepped out of the door to wild cheering and a lot of very happy-looking men, including Daniel who ran up the stairs to meet her and hugged her fiercely, much to her delight.   
  
"Join me in the next part for an interview with Stargate Big Brother's sixth evictee - JANET!!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	12. Stargate Big Brother Janet's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Janet's Interview  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: Janet on life in the Big Brother house, her opinion of the Jack/Daniel/Chicken house incident, Harrys' disgusting habits and her best friend inside the house.   
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Janet's Interview ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"Welcome back everybody, I'm here with this weeks's evictee JANET!"  
  
(Wild cheering from audience)  
  
"Hello, Janet. How did you find life in the house?"  
  
"It was fun to start with - a good laugh, but once Daniel left it all started to get a bit harder to deal with, and of course you put Jonas back in..."  
  
"Yeah. How did you feel about his horror-movie prank last night?"  
  
"Well, I actually missed it because I was in the bedroom, but according to Sam he was running around in a scream mask with a huge knife and a black cloak, trying to kill them all."  
  
"Yes, that's what he did. Cool, huh?"  
  
"You really must be desperate for ratings, huh?"  
  
"Yes, we are. Next - we have to ask you this - whose side did you take in the Chicken house incident?"  
  
"I sided fully with Daniel. If Jack hadn't stolen and tried to hide his glasses, it would never have happened."  
  
"This has nothing to do with the fact that you fancy the pants off of him?"  
  
"No. Nothing at all."  
  
(Cheering from audience, Daniel blushes and more women faint)  
  
"Did you not think that he overreacted? Jack was in that house for a long time."  
  
"No, I don't. He was beginning to annoy everyone, but the beauty of Jack is that you can never be annoyed with him for more than an hour."  
  
(Cheering from the Jack supporters)  
  
"Okay, now, what about Harry? Can you tell us about his habits inside of the house?"  
  
"Well, he was disgusting. There's no other word for it. He would shave his armpits in the kitchen sink, leave the toilet seat up, forget to flush the toilet, walk around in his underwear, fart in the pool..."  
  
(Audience groans in disgust)  
  
"Okay, okay, I think we've heard enough, thank you Janet. He actually made both you and Sam physically sick at one point, didn't he?"  
  
"Yes, he did, and Jack did the same yesterday - or was it the day before?"  
  
"When he took his underwear off?"  
  
"Yeah. He then went outside in Anise's shorts and did it to Sam and Jonas. I almost wanted Jonas to kill him, I tell you."  
  
"Yeah - that thing with the shorts - what was going on? Do you think we could possibly have a transexual here?"  
  
"Harry? Oh, God, no! He's just being his usual self - he wouldn't be a transexual."  
  
"Now - the important question - we already know that Sam and Malcolm were only pretending to have sex during week 4 (my arse) but what about you and Daniel?"  
  
"Well...we...we actually did..."  
  
(Mad cheering from audience)  
  
"Now, can you shed any light on this Sam and Malcolm business? Did they or didn't they?"  
  
"I don't know - I wasn't watching."  
  
"Yes, but you and Sam were very close - surely she must have told you."  
  
"Trying to get personal information out of Sam is like trying to get blood out of a stone," Janet said, "She's still my best friend and I wouldn't change her for anyone in the entire world."  
  
(Cheering from the Sam supporters)  
  
"So...who do you think she will go for? Malcolm, the young NID agent, Jack, her CO or Jonas - the ex?"  
  
"Well, it certainly won't be Jonas. I wouldn't have thought that she and Jack would on live TV, with the threat of court-martial hanging over them, but I wouldn't have thought that she would get with Malcolm either."  
  
"Harry?"  
  
"Oh, please give her some credit!"  
  
"Well, Anise did."  
  
"Anise is a two-timing whore."  
  
(Booing from Anise supporters)  
  
"Seriously! She was banging Harry, and then she was going off and flirting with Jack! She even tried it with Jonas the other night - he'll knock her head off."  
  
"Who did you get on with best in the house?"  
  
"Sam. Definitely Sam, but of course Daniel as well."  
  
"And who did you hate most in the house?"  
  
"Anise and Harry. Ugh..."  
  
"Finally, Janet, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"  
  
"I think either Sam, Jack or Malcolm. It would be funny if Jonas won it, though."  
  
"Thank you, everybody - JANET!!"  
  
(More wild cheering)  
  
"Here are your best moments, Janet, thank you for an entertaining 6 weeks."  
  
'Heaven' by DJ Sammy plays, accompanied by clips of Sam and Janet, followed by Daniel and Janet, and all of the lovely moments that I can't remember right now.  
  
**********  
  
Next Time:  
  
"It's week 7 in the Big Brother house. Yes, Jonas has actually maimed someone. Who is it?"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED... 


	13. Stargate Big Brother Week 7

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 7  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has succeeded in maiming one of the housemates - but who is it? Later, three of the housemates meet their demise by his hand.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 7 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty in the Big Brother house. Jonas has maimed one of the housemates. He isn't telling us who it is."  
  
Jonas laughed evilly and pranced around the kitchen. Sam was tied to a chair with some liquorice bootlace, unable to escape.  
  
"Why do you do it, Jonas?" she asked, "Why?"  
  
Jonas shrugged. "He was annoying me."  
  
"Yes, but you can't just go around maiming people if they annoy you!"  
  
"I didn't maim him!" Jonas protested, "I just.."  
  
"Threw boiling hot custard on his face?"  
  
"Well, yeah. What's wrong with that?"  
  
"Oh, nothing - YOU COULD HAVE BURNT HIS NOSE OFF!"  
  
"Calm down, baby. He's fine - he can still breathe!"  
  
"Yeah, out of one nostril - Jonas, what were you thinking?"  
  
"I did it for you, baby, I did it all for you!"  
  
"Oh, thanks, Jonas, that makes me feel great."  
  
"Good."  
  
**********  
  
"It's three o'clock. Anise and Sara are in the pool, talking about Jack."  
  
"So...have you mentioned any of this to Jack?" Sara asked, "Told him how you feel?"  
  
"No. He seems besotted with Samantha Carter, for some stupid reason! I mean, why?"  
  
Sara swallowed. "Well, she is pretty."  
  
"What? She's boring, ugly and totally un-cool! I, however, am beautiful, intelligent and interesting. I'm also great in bed."  
  
"Hm," Sara said, resisting her urge to jump screaming out of the pool.  
  
"Still, her ex might put a stop to that," Anise smiled, "He's quite fit actually."  
  
Sara choked on her champagne. "Jonas?"  
  
"What's wrong with that?" Anise asked, refilling her glass.  
  
"Either Jack or Jonas, Anise. I can tell you, Jack O'Neill requires a lot of commitment."  
  
"Oh, so do I," Anise smiled. "He'll see straight eventually."  
  
**********  
  
"And then you felt it necessary to stab him repeatedly with a spatula? Jonas, you can't do this!"  
  
"Why not? I told you baby, he was annoying me!"  
  
"Yes, Jonas, YOU'RE ANNOYING ME! THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I GO AROUND MAIMING YOU, DOES IT?"  
  
"I love it when you're angry."  
  
"Shut up! What have you done with the others?" Sam demanded, trying to shift out of her liquorice restraints.  
  
"Sara and Anise are in the pool, Jack and Malcolm are in the bedroom, Harry is perving Sara and Anise in the pool and...oh, you're here with me! Aren't you lucky, baby?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You love me really. Of course you do. That's why you never nominated me."  
  
"Wha - how the hell do you know about that?" Sam snapped, feeling colour rise to her cheeks.  
  
"Big Brother is a bit bitchy this year - they tell me everything. Including your having sex with Malcolm."  
  
"What? Jonas, I didn't!"  
  
"Don't lie to me! Big Brother told me! Harry told me! Stop all of your 'we pretended' bullshit!"  
  
"Jonas, put that cheese grater down. Jonas!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's 10pm. Harry is outside talking to Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Malcolm is in the bedroom. Anise is in the bath. Sara is talking to Jack, and still no-one has noticed that Jonas has taken Sam hostage in the kitchen."  
  
"Here you go, guys," Harry said, feeding the chickens.  
  
Jack and Sara sat outside, ignoring Harry's affectionate clucking noises.  
  
"Jack, I really think I need to warn you about Anise."  
  
"Sara, I told you - Anise is nothing to worry about," Jack said.  
  
"Jack, she's determined to get you to fancy her. I'm worried she might do something to Sam."  
  
"What? Why Sam?"  
  
"She sees her as competition."  
  
"Competition for what?" Jack asked.  
  
Sara rolled her eyes. "You, Jack, you."  
  
"Oh. Well, I told you, Sam and I can't..."  
  
"Yes, Jack, I know that. You should talk to Anise - tell her that you're not interested."  
  
**********  
  
Sam brought her foot up into Jonas' groin and edged her chair away from him, away from the cheese grater that was threatening to scalp her.  
  
"AGH!" Jonas cursed.  
  
Sam finally managed to break free of her liquorice restraints and ran for her life into the garden, slamming the door shut behind her and holding it as Jonas tried to follow her into the garden.  
  
"Oh, shit! We've left Malcolm in there with him!" Sam groaned, as Jonas smiled evilly at her through the glass.  
  
"He's already been maimed, Sam," Sara said softly, "He probably doesn't know."  
  
"I don't care!" said Sam, "I've gotta go back in for him!"  
  
"No!" Jack said, holding her arm, "He's a psycho! He'll kill you! I won't let you go!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-one in the Big Brother house. Jonas has disappeared. All of the housemates are now back inside, and Malcolm can finally stand up!"  
  
"Hey, Malcolm!" Sam said, helping him into the room and onto the couch.  
  
"Where is he?" Malcolm asked.  
  
"Who? Jonas? Ah..well..."  
  
"We don't know," said Jack, flicking a peanut at Harry who squealed in fright.  
  
"Agh!"  
  
"It's a peanut, Harry," Jack said boredly.  
  
"You're trying to injure me!" he protested, running into the bathroom to find Anise.  
  
**********  
  
"It's two o'clock. The housemates have been trying to ignore the gross banging sounds from the bathroom for four hours, and Jonas is still nowhere to be seen."  
  
"Don't worry," Sam said, "They'll have to come up for breath soon."  
  
Jack covered his ears in disgust and went into the kitchen to make himself a peanut-butter and ham sandwich.  
  
"Uh...Sam?" he asked worriedly.  
  
"Yeah?" she asked.  
  
"Where's the honkin' huge carving knife gone?"  
  
"Oh, shit..."  
  
**********  
  
"It's ten o'clock. The housemates have been searching the Big Brother house to try and find Jonas. So far, they have been unsuccessful."  
  
"Anise! Harry! Could ya stop that a minute and see if Jonas is in there with you?" Jack shouted through the door.  
  
"We don't do that sort of thing, Jack!" Harry shouted proudly.  
  
"AGH!" Jack cried in disgust, running away from the bathroom as fast as he could.  
  
Sam was searching the kitchen top and bottom when Jack returned.  
  
"Find anything?" Jack asked, sitting down on the floor.  
  
"No," she said, "I don't care where he is, but he's got a knife..."  
  
Suddenly, they heard frantic clucking noises from the garden. Harry promptly ran screaming out of the bathroom and picked up the nearest weapon to hand - a French stick.   
  
"Leave them alone!" he shouted in terror, running into the garden stark naked.  
  
"Oh, man!" Jonas shouted in disgust, covering his eyes.  
  
Harry then began to beat Jonas over the head with the French stick, sending bread flying everywhere.  
  
"Bread," Jonas began, "So bland. Would you like some CHICKEN with that?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed as he saw the blade of the knife rising into the air, "NNNNNOOOOO!"  
  
He leapt at Jonas and began pounding him with his fists, trying to grab the knife off of him.  
  
"Harry!" Jack shouted, "He'll kill you!"  
  
"He can kill me before he kills Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon!" Harry proclaimed, still beating Jonas.  
  
Jack groaned, and ran for Harry. Grabbing him by the shoulders, he hauled him off of Jonas just before the knife struck him in the back.  
  
"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Harry screamed in terror, as one of the chickens was slain.  
  
"It's okay, Harry," Jack said, trying to reassure him.  
  
"You bastard! You fucking twat!" Harry screamed at him, "You killed them!"  
  
"WHAT?" Jack yelled, "I saved your sorry ass!"  
  
"Jonas!" Sam shouted, "Why the hell are you doing this?"  
  
"I'm hungry," he said, "And seeing as I can't have one thing I want, I'll take the other!"  
  
The knife plunged towards the ground again, and they all flinched.  
  
"Take Sam!" Harry screamed, "Kill her! We don't care!"  
  
"Hey!" Sam shouted, and Jack pushed him over into the grass.  
  
Anise dragged Harry away from the scene of the carnage, and the others ran inside, locking all of the doors securely behind them. Jonas would be trapped outside.  
  
The chicken house was morbidly silent.  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-two in the Big Brother house. We can now confirm, with great sadness, that all of the Big Brother chickens are dead."  
  
Harry was inconsolable. He locked himself in his bedroom and cried into the bedsheets, not even allowing Anise to comfort him.  
  
"As a mark of respect for our fallen feathered friends, Big Brother will not broadcast today."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-three in the Big Brother house. We have asked the housemates to nominate two of their fellow housemates for eviction on Friday, and give their reasons. Anise is first."  
  
"Hello Anise. Your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas. His act of violence on Sunday was too terrible to repeat, and he has shocked Harry to the core. That sort of grief should be inflicted upon nobody but Sam Carter."  
  
"Ookay. And your second nomination?"  
  
"Sam, because she's competition where Jack is concerned."  
  
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"  
  
"Well, that could be a problem, but he asked me to give you his nominations."  
  
"Hmm. Okay then. Harry's first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, obviously."  
  
"And Harry's second nomination?"  
  
"Sara, for being very boring."  
  
"Thank you. Could you send Jack in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Jack, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, for the chicken thing. That was just wrong."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Anise, because she's becoming a real kiss-ass and I'm afraid that she's going to try and jump me."  
  
"Thank you, Jack. Now, we're going live to the garden for Jonas' nominations."  
  
**********  
  
"Jonas, your first nomination?"  
  
"Sara, because she's real boring and hasn't killed anything."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Anise, because she's plotting to kill my baby, and nobody can do that except me."  
  
"Thank you, Jonas. Now we're going back to the house for Malcolm's nominations."  
  
**********  
  
"Malcolm, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, for maiming me and bodging it, and the chicken thing on Sunday."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Sara. She's not a team player, and we need that in this house. It's starting to get more like Survivor."  
  
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Sam, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, for maiming Malcolm and killing the chickens."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Anise, because she's trying to kill me."  
  
"Thank you, Sam. Could you send Sara in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Sara, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, for obvious reasons."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Anise. She's being a total bitch and I don't like her any more."  
  
"Thank you, Sara."  
  
**********  
  
"I can now reveal that the three housemates up for eviction on Friday are..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"In alphabetical order..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Anise..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Jonas..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"And..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Sara."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-four in the Big Brother house. Anise has given up on helping Harry, Malcolm and Jack are fighting and Sam is asleep."  
  
"Give me that!" Malcolm shouted, tugging at the yoghurt in Jack's hand.  
  
"It's mine!" Jack squealed, pulling it back towards him.  
  
"Damn you, O'Neill, give me the yoghurt!" Malcolm hollered.  
  
"NO!" Jack protested, giving the yoghurt another tug.  
  
Unfortunately, the packaging wasn't very strong and the two men ended up wearing it between them.  
  
Jack started to cry.  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-five in the Big Brother house. Tomorrow is eviction night, and Anise has another dastardly plan up her sleeve."  
  
She sat in the bath with her glass of champagne, smiling. She would separate Sam and Jack yet. She wouldn't be evicted tomorrow - the public loved her too much!  
  
With a cackle of laughter she took another sip of champagne and laid back, just a bit too far because she went under the water and spilt her champagne in the bathtub.  
  
"Damn!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-six in the Big Brother house. It's Friday night - it's EVICTION NIGHT!"  
  
"Housemates, you are live on channel 4, please do not swear. I can now reveal that the seventh person to be evicted from Stargate Big Brother is...."  
  
(Okay, here goes another hideously long pause. This one, you could probably travel up to Glastonbury, spend three days there for the festival, come back and still not know who the winner was.)  
  
"Sara."  
  
Everyone inside the house booed. Why was Sara getting evicted when Jonas had murdered the chickens and maimed Malcolm?  
  
"Sara, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes...I'M COMING TO GET YOU!"  
  
Sara said her goodbyes to the housemates, receiving a warm hug from Jack.  
  
"Good luck," she said with a smile, as she made her way to the stairs.  
  
"Five...four...three...two...one...SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SARA, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."  
  
Sara stepped out of the house to a mass of cheering.  
  
"Join me after the break for an interview with week 7's evictee - SARA!"  
  
**********  
  
Back inside the house, Jack decided that it was time to talk to Anise.  
  
"Uh...Anise?" he said, "Could I have a word?"  
  
"Sure," she said, smiling seductively and walking over to him. They stood by the doors to the garden, with the other housemates well out of earshot.  
  
"Well, I...I don't know how you feel about me, but..."  
  
"I love you," she whispered, "And I know you love me too."  
  
"Ah, well," Jack began, but was cut off when she kissed him.  
  
Anise opened her eyes and tried not to smile when Sam walked around the corner and saw them. She choked back a sob and stood there for a moment, unable to believe her eyes.  
  
"Sam!" Jack shouted desperately, "It's not - "  
  
She turned around with tears in her eyes and started to walk away from him. Jack ran after her and touched her arm, trying to turn her around.  
  
"Leave me alone," she said, wrenching her arm away and going into her bedroom, locking the door behind her and leaving him standing outside the door, alone.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Next time: "It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Anise's evil plan to split up Sam and Jack has worked, and Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens." 


	14. Stargate Big Brother Sara's Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Sara's Interview  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: Sara on life in the Big Brother house, Jack O'Neill, the evil goddess Anise and who she wants to win.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Sara's Interview ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth  
  
**********  
  
IMPORTANT NOTICE: My email address has changed. Samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk is NO LONGER ACTIVE!! My new address is jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Please change your address books accordingly. Thank you, and enjoy the fic!  
  
**********  
  
"Hello everybody, I'm here with this week's evictee - SARA!"  
  
(Cheering from crowd)  
  
"Now, Sara - you were only entered into the house after 5-6 weeks, so how do you think this affected your bonding with the other housemates?"  
  
"Well, obviously, they had all got to know each other very well and it..well it seemed like Jonas and I were intruding on them."  
  
"Yes, Sara - that was the idea."  
  
"Ookay then."  
  
"What did you think of Jonas? Funny guy, huh?"  
  
"Are we talking funny ha ha or funny weird?" Sara asked.  
  
"Both, I suppose. What did you make of his horror movie stunt during week 6?"  
  
"It was actually quite frightening. The fact that he was so damned proud of it made it worse."  
  
"Oh, come on Sara! He wouldn't have actually hurt you!"  
  
"HE KILLED THE CHICKENS ON SUNDAY NIGHT!"  
  
"Yes, we are aware of this, Sara."  
  
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW I GOT VOTED OFF INSTEAD OF HIM!"  
  
"He's interesting."  
  
(Oooh sound from audience)  
  
"WHAT?? YOU LET A MURDERER STAY IN BECAUSE HE WAS MORE INTERESTING THAN ME??"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"AAGGHH!" Sara shouted, "DID YOU ONCE STOP TO THINK ABOUT THE LIVES OF THE OTHER HOUSEMATES? MY EX-HUSBAND IS IN THERE!"  
  
"Ooh - so, Sara, let's talk about your ex. Do you still have feelings for him?   
  
What do you think of his relationship with Sam?"  
  
"We've gone a little off topic, here," Sara said dryly.  
  
"For chrissakes, we still have 25 minutes airtime, now TALK!"  
  
"Okay, okay. Yes, Jack is still a great friend to me - I would be very distressed if that f*cking nutter Jonas killed him!"  
  
"And, what do you think of his relationship with Sam?"  
  
"She's a nice woman, but I didn't see much of her inside the house - I was with Anise most of the time."  
  
"Was this a good thing or a bad thing?"  
  
"Well, at the time it seemed like a good thing, but in retrospect it probably wasn't. She led me to believe that Sam was evil, and she's plotting to marry Jack."  
  
"Sara, are you aware of what Anise managed to do last night?"  
  
"No - did she escape?"  
  
"Nope. Better than that."  
  
"Well come on then! Tell me!"  
  
"She managed to kiss Jack - and then Sam walked in on them! HOW COOL IS THAT?"  
  
Sara sat quietly for a moment. "Are your ratings really that bad?"  
  
"You don't think that's cool?"  
  
"No, I don't. First - what the hell was Jack doing anyway, second - she's a whore, third - Sam really doesn't deserve this!"  
  
"This is Big Brother! It's our I-don't-know-what series and we're trying to keep our viewers! We have to be a little more disciplinary than before - it makes great TV!"  
  
"This isn't TV! It's people's lives, their emotions!"  
  
"Sara, this is exactly the reason you got voted out. You have to see the unfair side of everything, the why-are-you-doing-this view. Why can't you just chill out?"  
  
"What the hell kind of an interview is this?" Sara stormed.  
  
"It's a Stargate Big Brother 2003 interview."  
  
"It sucks."  
  
"C'est la vie, Sara, c'est la vie!"  
  
"Okay, this is getting too weird."  
  
"Sara, who would you most like to win?"  
  
"Either Jack or Malcolm - both of them have been through a lot, and I think they deserve to win."  
  
"Who would you least like to win?"  
  
"Jonas or Anise - they don't deserve it at all."  
  
"Thank you, Sara. Join us next time for week 8 of Stargate Big Brother 2003!   
  
Sara, here are your best moments!"  
  
('Silence is Golden' plays, with various clips of Sara)  
  
"THANK YOU EVERYBODY!"  
  
**********  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Next time: It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Sam is not speaking to Jack or Anise. Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens, and Jonas is plotting on going out with a bang.  
  
**********  
  
Reminder: My email address has changed to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Thank you. 


	15. Stargate Big Brother Week 8

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 8  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Sam is not speaking to Jack or Anise. Harry is holding an official funeral for the chickens, and Jonas is plotting on going out with a bang. Oh yeah, and Sam and Anise have a massive bitch fight.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 8 ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
IMPORTANT: My email address is changing samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk is NO LONGER ACTIVE. My new address is jm-webmistress@fsmail.net Please update your bookmarks accordingly. Thank you.  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-seven in the Big Brother house. Last night, after Sara was evicted, Anise kissed Jack in front of Sam. Anise is now in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."  
  
"Hello Anise."  
  
"Hello Big Brother."  
  
"How do you feel your evil scheming plot has worked?"  
  
"Oh," Anise said, her mouth curling in a snide smile, "I think it's worked very well indeed."  
  
"Yes, we can safely say that Jack and Sam are NOT TALKING."  
  
"I am the queen of evil plans! Now JACK WILL BE MINE! MAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
"Yes...any idea of how Jonas is doing? Our other evil planner?"  
  
"I really prefer not to talk to him - he's a bit of a psycho, really," Anise said, twisting her hands together.  
  
"Naw. He's just like you, but more physically violent."  
  
"Yes. I enjoy mental torture. He he he..."  
  
"Thank you Anise. Who do you think will be evicted this week?"  
  
"Sam."  
  
"No, not who would you LIKE to be evicted this week, who WILL be evicted this week?"  
  
"Well, I think Jonas is on his way out, but if not - Sam is!"  
  
"Thank you for this most interesting conversation, Anise."  
  
**********  
  
"It's three o'clock. Harry is still in mourning for Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon. Anise is in the pool with him. Jonas is still locked in a cage outside for his crimes against the chickens. Malcolm is indoors with Sam, trying to make supper."  
  
"So...what does the recipe say next?"  
  
"Well...it...uh..." Malcolm turned the book in all directions and got flour all over it.  
  
Sam giggled. "Give me that," she said, taking the book from him and promptly dropping it in a pan of tomato soup, splashing them both with it.  
  
"Agh!" Malcolm said, jerking away from the stove and realising that he looked like the orange man from the Tango adverts.  
  
"Sorry!" Sam said, wiping the soup out of her eyes and trying not to laugh even more.  
  
At that moment, Jack came into the kitchen. He saw Malcolm and let out a guffaw.  
  
"Ha! What the hell do you look like, yoghurt boy?" he cackled, sitting down on the arm of the couch.  
  
"I'm gonna have a shower," Malcolm said between gritted teeth, "You know where I am if you need me."  
  
Sam turned her back on Jack and began to wash the soup off of her hands. Jack regained his composure and went over to Sam.  
  
He tried to put his hand on her shoulder but she flinched away.  
  
"Sam..."  
  
"Leave me alone, Colonel."  
  
"Colonel? You must be real mad at me." Jack said, putting his hands in his pockets and looking at the floor.  
  
"Mad? No...I just caught you playing tonsil hockey with Anise when I thought that we were finally going somewhere - I'm not mad."  
  
"Sam! Listen to me! She kissed me - not the other way around! You've gotta believe me!"  
  
"Even if that's true - you sure looked like you were enjoying it," Sam said, leaving the kitchen and heading for the bathroom.  
  
**********  
  
"It's 10 o'clock. Jack is in the diary room, talking to Big Brother."  
  
"Hello Jack."  
  
"Hello Big Brother."  
  
"Jack, we've called you here to tell you that we're awarding you a second strike."  
  
"WHAT? WHY?"  
  
"For trying to apologise to Sam! For goodness' sake, Jack! If there's some REAL angst in the house, it'll make for more interesting viewing! You're not supposed to go around apologising to everybody you piss off!"  
  
"She's my friend! I'm such a jackass that I keep hurting her TOTALLY without meaning to! I will not just stand by and let her be so upset, if you don't mind!"  
  
"BUT WE DO MIND! Jack, Jack, come down off of your moral high horse and realise that this is just a game show. Once this is over and the £70,000 prize money has been won, you can go back to your normal lives and apologise and kiss each other's asses. For now: YOU ARE IN BIG BROTHER! ACT LIKE IT!"  
  
Jack frowned at the camera, gave it the finger, and left the diary room.  
  
"That's more like it!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-eight in the Big Brother house. Jonas has finally been allowed out of his cage, 1 week after the chicken incident. Today, Harry is holding a funeral for them. He doesn't know it yet, but Jonas will be in attendance."  
  
Harry straightened his tie and sniffed. He would do right by his feathered friends - give them the send-off they deserved.  
  
He stood up in front of the other housemates, on a podium crudely constructed from three chairs stacked on top of each other.  
  
"My friends, we are here today to mourn the passing of Enid, Lucifer and Jolyon," he said, wiping a tear from his eye as he looked down at the three shoeboxes serving as coffins. One was a box for Adidas trainers, the second for Clark's male shoes, size 11, and the third for Budgen's Baked Beans Box.  
  
"They made our lives here complete. They..." he sniffed, "They brightened up our day..."  
  
"They flavoured our bread!" Someone shouted from the audience. Harry ignored it, and continued.  
  
"I would like to read this passage in honor of our friends," Harry said.  
  
"B-"  
  
Someone from the audience threw a bread roll at Harry, and got it in his mouth.  
  
"Pff! Whoever did that, can I ask you to show some respect!" Harry shouted,   
  
spitting breadcrumbs on the ground, being careful to avoid the coffins.  
  
"Respect?" Jonas asked, finally standing up so that Harry could see him, "I hain't got none!"  
  
Harry turned red. "I shall fulfil their final wish in bringing their cold-hearted killer to justice!"  
  
With that, he got down off of the podium and advanced towards Jonas menacingly.  
  
"Ooh!" Jonas squealed, "I love a bitch fight!"  
  
Harry let out a war cry and threw himself at Jonas, producing a pocketknife from his pocket (funny thing, that g) and stabbing him in the shoulder.   
  
"Harry!" Jack shouted, getting up from his seat and running over to the fight, "Harry, get off of him!"  
  
Sam watched as Jack tried to wrestle the knife off of Harry, only to be stabbed in the arm. He fell in slow motion to the ground and rolled over into a bush.  
  
"Jack!" Sam shouted, jumping out of her chair and running over to him, pulling him out of the bush. "Jack!"  
  
She pulled the sleeve of his shirt up and surveyed the wound - it wasn't deep, and Jack was more in shock than anything.  
  
Anise watched with a curled lip. Dammit, she hadn't anticipated Harry going spazzo like this. She got up and walked silkily over to the bunfight between Harry and Jonas.  
  
"Harry," she said, "Harry, is this really what they would have wanted?" she asked, gently touching his face and trying not to shudder.  
  
He looked up at her, dropped the knife on the floor and started to cry. Anise pulled him into her arms and tried to comfort him as best she could, but she gritted her teeth as she felt him wiping his nose on her dress.  
  
Jonas quickly picked up the knife and pocketed it, disappearing back into the house. Malcolm helped Sam to get Jack back inside and tend to his wound.  
  
**********  
  
"It's 10 o'clock. Harry and Jack are asleep. Jonas is outside in the garden, doing something highly suspicious."  
  
Sam gently slid open the door and looked out into the night. Why the hell was she doing this?  
  
"Jonas?" she asked, looking around her. "Jonas?"  
  
He appeared suddenly out of the shadows, making her jump.   
  
"Dammit, Jonas you scared me!"  
  
"You don't need to be afraid of me, Sammie," he said, his eyes glowing, "I won't hurt you."  
  
Sam swallowed and took a tentative step closer to him.  
  
"I...uh...you were stabbed earlier - are you okay?" she asked.  
  
Jonas laughed. "Me? I'm a thick-skinned f*cker, it hardly even hurt!"  
  
Sam could see the blood still staining his shirt, and against her better judgement, she took a step closer.  
  
"Let me see it," she said.  
  
"Sam, if you wanted me to take my shirt off..."  
  
"Jonas! Shut up, and let me look at it."  
  
He grinned as he took his shirt off. Sam focussed her attention studiously on his wound as he let it fall to the ground.  
  
"It looks like it might be infected," she said, "Come inside - I've got to clean that."  
  
She raised her eyes to meet his and swallowed again.  
  
"Jonas."  
  
He lifted his hand and ran it gently down her face.  
  
"You're beautiful," he breathed, stroking a finger down her cheek.  
  
"Jonas, get your hand off of me," Sam said calmly, though her heart began to pound erratically.  
  
"You like it really," he said.  
  
From inside the house, Anise stood with her arms folded and smiled wickedly.  
  
  
  
Then, she went into the bedroom to wake Jack.  
  
"Jonas, please..."  
  
He tipped her head up gently and kissed her, his other arm sliding around her waist.  
  
Inside, Jack's mouth fell open in horror and betrayal. He swallowed, and found Anise's hand squeezing his.  
  
"I told you she was trouble," Anise said softly, winding her fingers around his own, "Come on. Forget about her."  
  
"Are you done?" Sam asked, fighting the tears that threatened to break from her eyes.  
  
"I'm done," he said, "For now."  
  
She turned around and led him back into the house, just in time to see Jack disappearing with Anise's hand in his. She bit her lip. Godammit!  
  
**********  
  
"It's day forty-nine in the Big Brother house. The ongoing war between Jack, Anise, Sam and Jonas is coming to a head. Harry is burying the chickens in a private ceremony, and Malcolm is trying to make some more yoghurt."  
  
Sam sat down on the couch opposite Jack, pretending that she was shelling the peas in her lap.  
  
"Did you enjoy it?" Jack asked, without looking up at her.  
  
She put the peas down. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Jonas swallowing you last night?" Jack snapped.  
  
The colour drained from Sam's face. "Jack, I..."  
  
"You're a hypocrite!" he shouted, "Going on about how you can't trust me, then trying to shag your ex behind my back!"  
  
"Nothing happened!" Sam said defensively.  
  
"No, no of course not, he just wasn't wearing a shirt and one thing led to another..."  
  
The slap cut off his sentence.   
  
Sam stood in front of him, red with anger and shame.   
  
"It looks like we're both as bad as each other then, doesn't it?"  
  
With that, she got up and left the couch.   
  
"DAMN!" Malcolm shouted from the kitchen.  
  
"Would you shut up?" Jack shouted back.  
  
"NO!" Malcolm said, "Godammit, Jack, you don't own this house! I don't take orders from you!"  
  
"Can it, yoghurt boy!" Jack snarled, standing up and walking into the kitchen.  
  
Malcolm threw an egg at him.  
  
"Oh, that is it!" Jack growled, wiping the yolk out of his eye. "Now it's war!"  
  
**********  
  
Harry came back inside and sat down, catching only snippets of the conversation from the kitchen.  
  
"Don't you put that egg there!"  
  
"Leave that alone!"  
  
"MY GOD, JACK! DON'T TAKE THAT OFF!"  
  
(Wet, splatting sound)  
  
"AAGGHH!"  
  
"Aw, now I'm all sticky!"  
  
Harry frowned, and decided that it was probably a good idea for him not to turn around. Instead, he picked up the peas that Sam had discarded and threw them over his shoulder.  
  
He smiled victoriously when he heard a cry of pain from the direction of the kitchen.  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I didn't throw it!"  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!"  
  
"However, I did do that."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day fifty in the Big Brother house. Today is nomination day."  
  
"Anise, your first nomination?"  
  
"Sam, because she's been absolutely horrible to Jack and I hate her - she's a bitch!"  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, because he's a psychopath!"  
  
"Thank you, Anise. Could you send Harry in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Harry, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, because he...he...killed the chickens!"  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Malcolm, because he's a trumped-up posh git."  
  
"Thank you, Harry. Could you send Jack in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Jack, your first nomination?"  
  
"Sam."  
  
(Long silence)  
  
"Ooh! Why?"  
  
"Why do you think? Big Brother, you're getting a perverse amount of pleasure out of my misery, you know."  
  
"You have to tell us."  
  
"Because of what she did with Jonas, after having the nerve to get on at me."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, because he's an evil, evil man."  
  
"Thank you, Jack. Could you send Malcolm in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Malcolm, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jonas, because he's a danger to us all."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Harry, because he makes warthogs look clean."  
  
"Thank you, Malcolm. Could you send Sam in please?"  
  
**********  
  
"Sam, your first nomination?"  
  
"Jack."  
  
"Ooh! You know, he nominated you as well!"  
  
"He did?"  
  
"Hell, yah! Why are you nominating him?"  
  
"Because of everything that's happened, what with him and Anise..."  
  
"And your second nomination?"  
  
"Anise, because she's manipulating Jack and he doesn't know it."  
  
"Thank you, Sam."  
  
**********  
  
"I can now reveal that there are FOUR housemates up for eviction this week! They are..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"In alphabetical order..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Anise..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Jack..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Jonas..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"And..."  
  
(Stupidly long pause)  
  
"Sam."  
  
**********  
  
"It's day fifty-one in the Big Brother house. Jack and Malcolm are having a fight with some low-fat yoghurt."  
  
"Take that, yoghurt boy!" Jack said, flinging a spoonful at Malcolm's face.  
  
"You are becoming very tiring and predictable," Malcolm said, getting a handful of yoghurt out of the pot, eating half of it, and throwing the other half at Jack.  
  
"Let's up the stakes then, shall we?" Jack asked, pulling a full-fat yoghurt from the fridge and pulling the top off in a very macho manner.  
  
"You do not scare me," Malcolm said, "For I have a TRIFLE!"  
  
Jack's mouth fell open. "YOU FIEND! THIS IS A YOGHURT FIGHT!"  
  
"Not any more!" he said delightedly, pulling the top off and priming his spoon.  
  
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"  
  
"He he he - waaaaah!"  
  
"The power is still in the yoghurt, yoghurt-boy!" Jack snarled, "For mine has FRUIT PIECES!"  
  
Malcolm choked and tried to pull the blackberry out of his nose.  
  
**********  
  
"It's day fifty-two. Anise and Sam are about to have a massive bitching contest. It's gonna be good!"  
  
Anise folded her arms and smiled.  
  
"You are such a bitch!" she smirked, playing with her hair.  
  
"TOK'RA TRAMP!" Sam countered, throwing a cushion at her.  
  
"Jack deserves better than you!" Anise said, picking up a stapler and throwing it at Sam's head. She only just avoided it.  
  
"What, like you? Don't make me laugh! You've had more rides than my bike!"  
  
Anise's face darkened. "At least I have - your face must put most men off!"  
  
"Damn you!" Sam shouted, "You're nothing but a WHORE!" She picked up a cheese grater and threw it at Anise.  
  
Anise lept at Sam and began pounding her. Sam fought back, grabbing a fistful of Anise's hair and pulling, hard.  
  
At that moment, Harry came out and squealed delightedly.  
  
"OOH! BITCH FIGHT! COME LOOK COME LOOK! GO ON, ANISE - BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER!"  
  
Malcolm came running from the kitchen, sneezing the blackberry out of his nose and across the floor.  
  
"GO ON SAM! POUND THE TOK'RA BITCH!"  
  
Sam kicked out at Anise and managed to stand up, but Anise kicked her back to the floor again.  
  
"Get off of my hair, you lying cow!" Anise screeched.  
  
Jonas entered the room and grinned widely.  
  
"Go on, Sammie! Beat her to a pulp!"  
  
Sam groaned and rolled over onto her front, slamming her fist into Anise's nose.  
  
"ACK!"   
  
"Go on, baby! I know you can beat her!"  
  
"WHOO! Go Anise, Go Anise!"  
  
"Gimme an S!"  
  
Anise stood up (with difficulty) and kicked Sam in the ribs with her pointy heels, making her roll over onto her side.  
  
"Aww!" Anise said, "Does that hurt, bitch?"  
  
Sam gritted her teeth and licked the blood from her lower lip, lurching to her feet and slamming Anise back into the wall.  
  
"WHOOO!"  
  
"GO SAM! GO SAM!"  
  
"Gimme an A!"  
  
"POUND HER, ANISE! POUND HER!"  
  
"Does it hurt now?" Sam asked, her fists tightening on Anise's designer shirt.  
  
"You're creasing my shirt!" Anise screamed, throwing Sam back down on the floor.  
  
Sam picked up the nearest object to hand...a spoon...and attacked Anise with it, twisting it around in her hair.  
  
"My hair!"  
  
Sam flipped Anise over and was soon looking down on her.  
  
"Vanity isn't good in a fight!" she grinned.  
  
"At least I'm not ugly!" Anise countered, reaching up and slapping Sam around the face.  
  
"Gimme an M! What have you got? SAM!"  
  
"GO ON SAM! BEAT HER UP!"  
  
"ANISE! ANISE! ANISE!"  
  
Jack entered the room then, and stood watching them for a moment with his hands on his hips. Sam managed to slam Anise into the wall again, and she could feel Jack's eyes burning into her back.  
  
"Typical, typical Sam," he said, "Why do you have to try and solve everything with a confrontation?"  
  
Jonas growled. "You leave her the hell alone."  
  
"What are ya gonna do?" Jack asked, "Kill me like you did the chickens?"  
  
"I wouldn't waste my time!" Jonas snarled.  
  
Anise took her opportunity and pushed Sam roughly to the floor, kicking her repeatedly in the ribs.  
  
"She was terrible, Jack," Anise said, pulling the spoon out of her hair. "Really bad."  
  
**********  
  
"IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT! IT'S EVICTION NIGHT! I CAN NOW REVEAL THAT THE EIGHTH PERSON TO BE EVICTED FROM STARGATE BIG BROTHER 2003 IS..."  
  
(Hideously long pause during which you could watch the entire Godfather trillogy (twice) and then go on to Lord of the Rings, and when you'd finished 'Return of the King,' you still wouldn't know who'd been evicted.)  
  
"JONAS!"  
  
The housemates cheered.  
  
"Jonas, you have thirty seconds to say your goodbyes...I'm coming to get you!"  
  
Jonas pulled Sam into a corner and whispered in her ear.  
  
"Sammie...get out of this house."  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"You have to get out of this house by 11pm."  
  
"Why? Jonas, what the hell have you done?"  
  
"FIVE...FOUR..."  
  
"I'm going out with a bang, baby," he grinned, pulling her closer for a final kiss. "Get out of here."  
  
"ONE...JONAS, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JONAS, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE..."  
  
Jonas pulled his hand away from hers and walked up the steps, getting outside to loud booing. He grinned widely and took a bow.  
  
"Thank you, everybody. Join me soon for an interview with week 8's evictee - JONAS!"  
  
Back in the house, the colour drained from Sam's face. She had just 90 minutes to get out of the house.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Next time: Jonas on life in the Big Brother house, killing the chickens, Sam and why he hated everyone so much. 


	16. Stargate Big Brother Jonas' Interview

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Jonas's Interview  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal." "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: Jonas on life in the Big Brother house, killing the chickens, Sam and why he hated everyone so much.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Jonas's Interview ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
'Stargate Big Brother' Series Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth  
  
**********  
  
"Hello everybody, I'm here with week 8's evictee - JONAS!"  
  
(Loud booing from audience)  
  
"No-good chicken lovers!" Jonas replied.  
  
(Even louder booing)  
  
"Okay, okay people! Let's calm it down! So, Jonas, nice to have you here with us. Did you enjoy your time in the house?"  
  
"Hugely. It was a blast, something I never thought I'd say."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
"Your ratings are almost dropping through the floor. I brought them back up again."  
  
(Coughs in embarassment) "Yes, well. What did you enjoy doing best in the house?"  
  
"I enjoyed...being with some of the people inside, winding them up, getting them to behave irrationally..."  
  
"Like Sam, for example?"  
  
"Yes, like Sam."  
  
"How did the two of you meet?"  
  
"Ya see, this is the sort of stuff you don't want to ask me. It's too nice. You want to ask me how and why we broke up, but I wouldn't tell you anyway."  
  
"I see...so, who did you like other than Sam in the house?"  
  
"Harry. He was a total drip, and sooo easy to wind up. I also thought Malcolm was quite funny, with his yoghurt addiction and everything..."  
  
"And who did you not get on with in the house? You do realise that everybody in the house completely hated you?"  
  
"Yes, that was my intention. Not everybody hated me. I really didn't like Jack, or Anise - she was totally freaking me out with her advances."  
  
"What about Janet?"  
  
"Janet? Well, I didn't see much of her. She left the week after I got there, and she pretty much stayed out of my way, so yeah - I liked her."  
  
"What was your favourite moment whilst you were inside the house?"  
  
"I thoroughly enjoyed defrosting Malcolm on the barbecue, and my horror movies parody was quite good."  
  
"Now, we're moving onto a very sensitive subject here, Jonas. A lot of the viewers were highly distressed when you killed the chickens. This is your chance to redeem yourself."  
  
"I did it because I was bored and we had no decent food. I mean, if Harry hadn't gone and named the f*cking things, there wouldn't have been a problem, would there?"  
  
(Loud booing from audience)  
  
"SHUT UP! None of you b*stards have been inside that house, so none of you know properly what it's like! Bunch of hypocrites!"  
  
(Booing)  
  
"Ookay, let's move on again. Why did you hate everyone in the house so much?"  
  
"What? I didn't hate them! They just annoyed me! You're twisting my words!"  
  
"No, I merely..."  
  
"You are! You're twisting my words! You're making me out to be some totally evil person when I'm not!!"  
  
"You are, Jonas."  
  
"GODAMMIT!!"  
  
(Jonas begins to smash up the studio in a fit of mad rage. Interviewer gets up and runs for her life.)  
  
"You'll be sorry! You'll all be SORRY!"  
  
(Audience gets up and runs for their lives)  
  
"AH!"  
  
Jonas sits down in the remains of the studio, sighs, takes out a cigarette and lights it.  
  
"Just one hour left, Sammie," he said dreamily, "Get out of there whilst you still can."  
  
He paused for a moment, and let out an indignant grunt.  
  
"HEY! Why don't I get a 'best moments' video? DAMN YOU ALL!"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Next time:  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?"  
  
"I really need to tell you something, Jack..."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, I don't wanna hear it!"  
  
Sam laughed nervously. "Oh, I think you do..." 


	17. Stargate Big Brother Jonas' Surprise

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Jonas' Surprise  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: Jonas is gone, but he's left the housemates something to play with...  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.   
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Jonas' Surprise ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"Jonas has just been evicted from the house. Sam has just one hour left to warn the other housemates before Jonas' terrible prophecy is fulfilled - even though we don't actually know what it is yet."  
  
Sam paced around the couch area, looking at her watch. She had to let the others know - but they were very hard to round up together. Anise and Harry were up to something dodgy in the bathroom, Jack was outside with the empty chicken house, Malcolm was eating yoghurt, and she was by the couch, on her own.  
  
Biting her lip, she decided that Jack was probably the best person to try and talk to - even though they hated each other. She slid open the door and stepped out into the night. She knew that he knew she was there, and felt hurt when he didn't turn around. He just stood there and did nothing.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked suddenly. Sam was taken aback.  
  
"I really need to tell you something, Jack..." she began.  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, I don't wanna hear it!" He replied angrily.  
  
Sam laughed nervously. "Oh, I think you do..."  
  
"What? What can you possibly have to tell me?" He asked, reeling round and glaring at her.  
  
"We need to get out of this house," she said, "Jonas has done something..."  
  
"Oh, oh, and of course he would have told you!" Jack snapped. "Sam - he's trying to ruin this for us! I mean, seriously - not that there's much left to ruin - what could he possibly have done?"  
  
"Jack, please-" Sam began, but he was obviously in no mood to talk.  
  
"I don't want to hear it - you can run on back to him when we get out of here."  
  
With that, he was gone from the garden, back inside the house. She stood outside for a moment, listening to the sounds of the night, but turned her back on it and went back inside. She had to warn the others - she couldn't just run off and leave them!  
  
She went and sat on the couch beside Malcolm, who was just finishing a yoghurt.   
  
He put the pot down and looked at her.  
  
"Trouble?" he asked.  
  
"Oh, yeah," she replied, leaning further back into the couch and closing her eyes.   
  
"Wanna talk about it?" he probed.  
  
"We...Malcolm, this is going to sound so stupid..."  
  
"Go on," he said, looking at her worriedly.  
  
"Well...Jonas has done something - he warned me to get out of the house before 11pm or something's going to happen."  
  
"What could he have done?" Malcolm asked, "Shit! It's 10:15pm!"  
  
"I know. I tried to talk to Jack, but he wouldn't listen to me!"  
  
Suddenly, there was a piercing shriek from the direction of the bathroom - and not from Anise.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" It was definitely Harry.  
  
Malcolm and Sam got up from the couch and ran to the bathroom - where Harry was standing, stark naked.  
  
"Agh!" Malcolm cried, and covered his eyes.  
  
"Put some damned clothes on!" Jack grumbled, appearing from the corner.  
  
"B..b...b..." Harry stuttered.  
  
"What?" Sam asked, "Harry, what is it?"  
  
"IT'S A BOMB!" he yelled, shrieking and hurling himself at Anise, who found it very difficult to control her disgust.  
  
"Where?" Sam asked, "Show me - where?"  
  
"It's in there!" Harry wailed, "In the toilet!"  
  
Sam looked in the toilet, and back up at Harry in distaste.  
  
"Harry, that's not a bomb."  
  
"For crying out loud," Jack moaned, leaving the hallway.  
  
**********  
  
"It's 10:30pm. We've refused the housemates exit from the house, even though there may be an explosive device in the house. We want to see how it pans out."  
  
They were all searching for the bomb. Where could it be? They looked behind cushions, under the couch, under the table, in the oven, in the bedrooms - but they found nothing.  
  
"Where would Jonas have hidden it?" Sam asked, "Think. Where would he most like to - oh my God!"  
  
"The chicken house!" Malcolm cried, and ran after her, "Sam! Don't touch anything!"  
  
Harry ran out ahead of Sam and squealed. (This could have been because he was outside stark naked at 10:30pm, or because of what he'd just seen in the chicken house.)  
  
"Harry!" Sam hollered, "Would you put some clothes on??"  
  
"IT'S A BOMB!" he screamed in terror, "A REAL BOMB!"  
  
"Everybody get back!" Sam shouted, "Get the fuck away from it!"  
  
"What about you?" Malcolm asked, attempting to hold Harry back but failing because it wasn't a nice job.  
  
Sam gingerly opened the chicken house door. Harry screamed, and everyone jumped.  
  
"Get him out of here!" Sam said, "If he makes me jump at the wrong moment..."  
  
Malcolm hauled Harry back inside, kicking and screaming. They went into the diary room to plea for help from Big Brother.  
  
"Hello Malcolm. Hello Harry."  
  
"B...b....b...b..."  
  
"Big brother, there's a very serious problem here," Malcolm said, watching as Harry writhed on the floor.  
  
"B...b...b...b..."  
  
"What is it, Malcolm?"  
  
"Well - we've found a bomb. All housemates need immediate evacuation."  
  
"Ha! A bomb! Good old Jonas - knew we could count on him. Yeah, so what?"  
  
"B...b...b...b..."  
  
"What? You knew? You knew, and you didn't warn us?" Malcolm spluttered.  
  
"Of course we knew! We're Big Brother, ya know! It's a bomb, deal with it!"  
  
"WHAT?" Malcolm exploded, "WE COULD DIE IN HERE!"  
  
"Yeah, sure, you betcha."  
  
"Fuck you, Big Brother, Fuck you!" Malcolm said, dragging Harry out of the diary room.  
  
**********  
  
"What did they say?" Jack asked, watching Sam as she got closer to the bomb.  
  
"Deal with it," Malcolm replied dryly, running a hand through his hair, "What is wrong with them?"  
  
"They actually said that?" Jack sighed, "I am SO gonna sue their asses when I get outta here."  
  
"You mean...if...we get outta here," Malcolm added.  
  
"If. Yeah, if. We'll get out of here - Carter's good at figuring these things out."  
  
Sam opened the top of the bomb and flinched as it made a small clicking noise.  
  
  
  
Nothing happened. Inside, there were three wires. One red, one black, and one yellow.  
  
"Which one do you cut?" Harry asked, clutching his face in terror.  
  
"The red one!" Anise shouted.  
  
"The black one!" Jack said.  
  
"The yellow one!" Malcolm suggested.  
  
"Shut up! All of you! I'm not cutting anything as long as you're all standing there gawping at me!" Sam said.  
  
They all took a step back.  
  
The minute Sam turned back to the bomb, they took a step forwards again.  
  
"I still think you should cut the red one." Anise said quietly. Sam's blood began to boil.  
  
"Please. I need quiet."  
  
"Oh dear," Anise goaded, "Can't concentrate?"  
  
Sam stood up and calmly smashed her fist into Anise's nose. Anise fell back onto the ground in shock, and Sam turned back to the bomb.  
  
"Now I can," she said, pulling a nail file out of her pocket. "No, that won't do. Does anybody have a knife?" she asked.  
  
"KNIFE? AAAGGGHHH!" Harry screamed, running into Jack's arms and squealing.  
  
Malcolm took out a pocketknife (no, I don't know how it got there) and tossed it over to Sam.  
  
She took the black wire in her hand, and edged the knife closer.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Harry screamed, "WE'RE ALL GONNA..."  
  
She cut through it. Nothing happened. The bomb kept on ticking - they had just 10 minutes left.  
  
Sam blew out a deep breath. Just one more wire - but which one? They could all die...  
  
"I...I...which one?" She asked, holding the knife limply in her hand.  
  
"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Harry screeched. Malcolm groaned, picked up a garden chair, and hit Harry around the head with it. That shut him up.  
  
"Well...you've got red...or yellow..." Jack began, feeling a sense of hopelessness fill him. They could die.  
  
Him - Sam - dead. The thought flowed around and around in his head. They'd both die - and she'd never know how sorry he felt.  
  
He got up and ran to Sam, embracing her in a fierce hug.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, pulling her closer, "God, Sam, I'm so sorry."  
  
"Me too," she replied, laying her head on his chest. "I'm sorry too. I love you, Jack."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
"You know, thish romanthic shtuff ish all very shweet, but we do have a more preshing problem here," Anise said, holding her bleeding nose.  
  
Sam took Jack's hand, and picked up the pliers with the other. She looked up at him again.  
  
"Try the yellow one," he said, softly stroking a hand through her hair.  
  
She gingerly neared the yellow wire - and cut it. Still, nothing happened. The counter was now down to 5 minutes.  
  
"What's happening?" Malcolm asked, "Why hasn't it stopped?"  
  
"We're all going tho die," Anise said, "Ah, well. Thish wash nihce whilsht it lashted."  
  
Sam got up and moved away from the bomb, Jack beside her.  
  
"I should have been able to stop it," she said tearfully, "I'm sorry."  
  
"What about the red wire?" Malcolm asked.  
  
"If I cut that one, the bomb will detonate for sure," Sam replied, pulling herself closer to Jack.  
  
"Oh, man!" Malcolm said, "Well, thanks Sam. You've been an amazing friend."  
  
"You too," she replied.  
  
2 minutes left.  
  
Jack leant down and placed a kiss on Sam's lips, pulling his arms tighter around her.  
  
Anise stood up.  
  
"I juhst want you to know - before we die - that I think you're a total bitch - and I hate your hair - itsh shtupid! In fact, you are jhust totally shtupid. Malcolm - you have a nice assh. Given time, I would have bitten it for you."  
  
Malcolm almost shrieked in terror.  
  
1 minute left.  
  
Unfortunately, Harry woke up.  
  
"OH MY GOD! WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE MINUTE LEFT TO LIVE! OH MY GOD!"  
  
"Harry, shuht up!" Anise said, pulling him into her arms, "We're all going togesher."  
  
10 seconds left.  
  
9...  
  
"Your nose is bleeding!"  
  
"I know shat!"  
  
8...  
  
7...  
  
"I love you!"  
  
"I love you too."  
  
6...  
  
5...  
  
"Thank God I ate that blueberry yoghurt. My god, that was worth it.  
  
4...  
  
3...  
  
2...  
  
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!"  
  
1...  
  
**********  
  
BANG!  
  
**********  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Meh. I'm evil. You love it really. Feedback, anyone? 


	18. Stargate Big Brother The Bombshell

Title: Big Brother Stargate - The Bomb(shell)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines:"That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: So. The bomb. Thought things couldn't get any worse?? You thought wrong.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier. This chapter makes no sense at all - and if you don't know what maltesars are, email me.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate -The Bomb(shell) ~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"It's day...something...in the Big Brother house. A bomb has just gone off in the garden. We're lovin' it!!"  
  
As the smoke subsided, and began to drift away into the night, a few things became apparent.  
  
One: There were suddenly five pheasants running around the garden, squawking angrily.  
  
Two: Harry had somehow lost his pants in the explosion, and one of said pheasants was wearing them as a hat.  
  
Three: There also appeared to be a large, square box tied up with a bow where the chicken house had once been.  
  
One thing that wasn't certain, however, was whether the housemates were alive or in a parallel dream world, or just plain dead.   
  
**********  
  
When Sam opened her eyes, she found herself standing inside of the Big Brother house, behind the doors. She could see a large box tied up with a pink ribbon and bow, standing in the middle of the garden. What could be in it? She thought. She walked up to the glass and tried to slide the door out of the way, but failed. It was stuck, and wouldn't budge.  
  
When she looked down, she saw that it was jammed up with black treacle. Frowning, she went into the kitchen and got a spatula out of the utensil pot. She went over to the door and began working the black treacle out of the door, grimacing as it pooled thick around her feet.  
  
She became alarmed when the flow of treacle increased and was soon at her knees. What the devil was going on? Surely there wasn't enough treacle to fill the entire Big Brother house!! She turned around sluggishly to see that indeed, the whole Big Brother house WAS filling up with black treacle - she was going to drown!  
  
"AAAGGGHHH!" She yelled, and tried to swim through the gluggy substance. She failed, and felt herself being pulled under the writhing lake of blackness.  
  
"Nnnnooooo!" she said, as her head disappeared underneath the surface.  
  
**********  
  
Harry woke up to hear a scream of "Nnnnnnoooooooo!" He rubbed his head, and quickly realised that his pants were gone. He was sitting in the Big Brother kitchen, and scattered around him were thousands of packets of cheese and onion crisps. He frowned. What was going on?  
  
He leant a hand down to pick up the packets when he heard a rustling noise from behind him. He spun around on the floor, his lack of pants making it easier. He saw nothing.  
  
With a small grunt, he dug around in the rubbish to pull out another packet of crisps - still cheese and onion flavour - and ripped open the bag, stuffing the crisps greedily into his mouth, sending bits of crisp flying everywhere. He was an extremely messy eater.  
  
He heard a rustling noise again - this time it was closer. He frowned, and stuffed the last handful of cheese and onion crisps into his mouth. He turned around and squealed in fright, spraying bits of crisps everywhere.  
  
Standing behind him was the most enormous packet of crisps he had ever seen - and it looked very annoyed. It's 'I' narrowed and it began to chomp it's jaws menacingly, salivating.   
  
Harry realised suddenly that in a terrible twist of irony, the crisps were going to eat him.  
  
"AAAGGGGHHH!" He ran out of the kitchen, but could hear the packet of crisps hot on his heels. He squealed in fright and ran into the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He thought he was safe - at least for now. Unfortunately, Harry was wrong. The crisps burst through the door, let out a roar of rage, and ate him.   
  
As he was disappearing into the packet's mouth, Harry cried: "I WISH I'D EATEN MALTESARS INSTEAD!!"  
  
**********  
  
"I WISH I'D EATEN MALTESARS INSTEAD!"  
  
Jack grunted and shook his head as he awoke, to find himself sitting in the bedroom. How had he got there? The last thing he remembered, he...  
  
What was that noise?  
  
It was like a repeated thudding, sort of soft and hollow, the way a scone sounds if you tap it on the bottom after you've cooked it.  
  
He rose from the bed, and hid under it, trembling. He was not alone - the strange, hollow creatures were with him. What were they? He did not know. All he knew was that he was scared - and would have given anything for something to eat.  
  
Suddenly, the door opened. He shrank back under the bed and watched, as the strange figures made their way into the room. They were tall and rounded, but had only one leg. They were golden brown in colour, and made crunching noises as they walked. He could hear them talking, in crusty voices.  
  
"He az to be in 'ere zomewhere!" One of them said, with an undeniably french accent.  
  
"Oui - let's see how he likez to be beaten in half!" Another replied.  
  
Jack froze. There were talking french sticks in his bedroom. This was too weird. What was going on??  
  
"Zut! Zere 'e iz! Under the bed! Get 'im!"  
  
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" Jack cried, as one of the french sticks grabbed him by the ankles and dragged him out from under the bed.  
  
"Ow did you like beating Martouf wiz uz?" One of the sticks asked, punching him in the nose.  
  
"Know 'ow it feelz now, don't you?" Another said.  
  
"No, please!" Jack squealed, protesting as he was savaged by the french sticks, "YOGHURT!!"  
  
**********  
  
Malcolm jumped. Yoghurt? Had he just heard the word yoghurt?? My, it would be good to have a yoghurt. He'd not had one in ages.  
  
He headed for the fridge, and was delighted to find that it was stocked full of yoghurts. He pulled out a blueberry one and smiled, ripping off the top and tipping the contents straight into his mouth.  
  
"Mmmm...."  
  
Suddenly, a tidal wave of yoghurt pots fell out of the fridge and buried him alive, in a seemingly endless assault. When they stopped, Malcolm pushed his way back up to the top of the pile and sighed. Phew. That was a close one. He reached for another yoghurt - blueberry flavour - and was about to open it when another, giant yoghurt appeared before him. It really was huge.   
  
Before he could say anything, Malcolm watched as the yoghurt opened it's lid and glared at him.  
  
"Oh my God!" he said, "A talking yoghurt! Aaaggghhh!"  
  
The yoghurt regarded him with distaste for a moment, before it lurched across the pile and swallowed him whole. It even let out a belch of contentment.  
  
**********  
  
Anise awoke to find herself in the garden, lying on the ground as she had done before. She could see the bodies of Sam, Jack, Malcolm and Harry beside her. She sat up and put a hand to her nose, which was throbbing (from where Sam had broken it before the bomb had gone off.) With a grunt of annoyance, she stood up and looked around her.  
  
There were pheasants running around the garden. One of them was wearing Harry's trousers on its head.  
  
She scoffed. "Stupid animal."  
  
She heard Harry grunt and squeal behind her, and cry something about 'no crisps, please don't eat me!'  
  
She also heard another voice, coming from the huge box in the middle of the garden.   
  
"Let me out of here!" it cried angrily, beating at the sides of the box.  
  
Anise went up to the box and undid the bow, revealing a very annoyed man standing in it.  
  
"Who are you?" She asked, looking him up and down.   
  
It's no good, she decided, he's too old.  
  
"What is going on here?" the man asked, looking at the others, who were lying on the ground.  
  
"NO!" Harry shouted suddenly, "CRISPS, PLEASE! HAVE MERCY!"  
  
The man frowned. "Crisps?" he asked Anise. Anise shrugged. That was when Jack interrupted them.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH! STOP THIS TORTURE! I'LL NEVER BEAT MARTOUF WITH A FRENCH STICK AGAIN, AAAGGGHHH!"  
  
The man looked even more confused, but worse was to come from Malcolm.  
  
"AAAGGGHHH! A TALKING YOGHURT! OH, MY GOD!"  
  
The three men thrashed about wildly on the ground, grunting and screaming at various intervals.  
  
The mysterious man frowned again, his eyebrows almost meeting in the middle.  
  
"You obviously require my assistance here," he said, "These people are severely disturbed."  
  
"Damn," Sam muttered in her sleep, "Spatula...stuck - treacle!"  
  
The man cocked his head. What were these people on about? They were talking crazy! Talking yoghurts, treacle, french sticks and crisps?   
  
He knew Big Brother was designed to push people to their mental limits, but this was taking entertainment a little too far.  
  
"I will help these people!" he proclaimed.  
  
"And I'll be at your side!" Anise smirked, hanging off of his arm like a puppy.  
  
**********  
  
All four of them woke up at once, and screamed.  
  
"Oh my God!" Jack cried, "I just had the worst dream!"  
  
"Me too!" Sam replied, "I.."  
  
"I thought I was being drowned in a giant yoghurt!" Malcolm wailed.  
  
"And I was being eaten alive by a packet of cheese and onion crisps!" Harry squealed.  
  
They all suddenly noticed the new addition to the group, and their mouths dropped in horror.  
  
"Please tell me this is all just a part of another bad dream," Jack said.  
  
"Please..." Sam repeated, in monotone.  
  
"I am certainly not a part of one of your paranoid delusions," the figure said, "I am here to get you well again."  
  
"WE'RE DOOMED!" Jack screamed.  
  
"Yes," McKenzie replied, with a sardonic smile.  
  
**********  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
Author's Note: Sorry that was a bit strange! Feedback? 


	19. Stargate Big Brother Week 11

Title: Big Brother Stargate - Week 11  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's day 77 in the Big Brother house. Malcolm is painting a yoghurt mural, Sam, Harry and Jack are making an obstacle course in the garden, Anise is on a quest to seduce McKenzie, and McKenzie is trying to give everyone a mental breakdown. This is good, clean entertainment, people!!  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice - it makes it funnier.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate - Week 11~  
  
Copyright (c) 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"It's day 77 in the Big Brother house. Dr McKenzie has joined the group, determined to cure them from a series of terrible, twisted dreams."  
  
Sam backed away from McKenzie as he began to walk towards her.  
  
Jack muttered something rude under his breath and followed Sam.  
  
Harry squealed, tripped over a pheasant, and fell headfirst into the swimming pool. This provoked a large amount of laughter from Jack and Malcolm, a snort from Sam, and a little sigh of distaste from Anise, as she hung off of McKenzie's arm.  
  
"Has anyone ever told you how attractive your eyes are?" she asked, fluttering her long lashes at him.  
  
He smiled. "They have now."  
  
Jack shuddered, and walked inside the house, with Sam hot on his heels.   
  
Unfortunately, Harry was quickly following Sam, dripping chlorinated water and leaving wet footprints as he went. Malcolm sighed, looked in disgust at Anise, who was still swooning over Dr McKenzie, and went back inside the house.  
  
"Would Malcolm please come to the diary room?" a voice asked.  
  
Malcolm obediently got up from the couch and went into the diary room, wondering what Big Brother was going to throw at him next.  
  
**********  
  
"Hello Malcolm."  
  
"Hello Big Brother."  
  
"Malcolm, we have made a challenge for you. As you seem to be the only person in the house who is remotely sane, we would like you to redecorate the bedrooms."  
  
"Wow. Why exactly do you want me to do that?"  
  
"Just do it! You'll find paint and brushes in the storeroom - just don't let the others know what you're doing."  
  
Malcolm shrugged. "Well, Anise is chatting up Dr McKenzie, and Jack, Sam and Harry have got pretty close, so I don't think they'll bother me."  
  
"Good. You have eight hours, Malcolm, starting - NOW!"  
  
Malcolm hopped up out of the Big Brother chair and ran into the storeroom to find some paint.  
  
*********  
  
"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"  
  
Anise reluctantly left Dr McKenzie and went back inside, throwing a piece of bread at Sam for good measure.  
  
"Hello Anise."  
  
"Hello Big Brother."  
  
"Anise, we have a challenge for you. In just 8 hours, you must seduce Dr McKenzie and we'd like some graphic stuff, please, it really pulls viewers."  
  
Anise laughed. "Oh, you think it'll take me 8 hours? Really, Big Brother, where is your faith?"  
  
"Good. You and Jonas have been our strongest housemates this year - you've pulled the votes in like I don't know what."  
  
"My challenge will be complete, Big Brother," she promised, and left the diary room.  
  
**********  
  
"Would Sam, Jack and Harry please come to the diary room?"  
  
The three of them reluctantly got up and crammed into the diary room. Harry squealed when Jack tried to take the chair away from him, and threw Jack on the floor.  
  
Muttering obscenities, Jack got up and sat on the arm of the chair, soon regretting this as Harry began to swing it around.  
  
"Sam, Jack, Harry. Your challenges today have to pull more viewers - they must be exciting, funny, brave, courageous, pornographic, etc. Therefore, Big Brother has developed two options for you."  
  
Jack looked at Sam worriedly.  
  
"What options do we have?" he asked.  
  
"Number 1. You have an extremely graphic threesome in the pool."  
  
"AAGGHHH!" Sam screamed, getting up off of the floor and running into the diary room wall, knocking herself out.  
  
"I think that's a no," Jack said, "Dare I ask what number 2 is?"  
  
"Number 2. You create an obstacle course in the garden, using only materials that you can find around the house."  
  
Jack grinned. "That's much better. Why didn't you just ask us to do number 2 in the first place? Why'd you have to bring the threesome into it?"  
  
"Because we wanted to see your reaction," Big Brother replied, with a smirk.  
  
"I thought it was a jolly good idea!" Harry proclaimed jubilantly, "Ever since Anise and I broke up, I've been looking in new directions..."  
  
"AAGGHH!" Jack screamed, getting up off of the floor and running into the diary room wall, knocking himself out.  
  
"You have eight hours, Harry, starting now."  
  
**********  
  
"Would Dr McKenzie please come to the diary room?"  
  
McKenzie got up from beside Anise and went inside, watching with some amusement as Harry dragged Sam and Jack out of the diary room by their feet.  
  
"Hello, Dr McKenzie."  
  
"Hello, Big Brother."  
  
"Doctor, you have 8 hours to severely antagonise each member of the Big Brother house (excluding Anise), to the strongest degree possible. We would like some severe mental torture, please."  
  
"Will do," McKenzie said, rubbing his hands together with glee, "This will be good. I think I'll start with Harry Maybourne."  
  
"Go kick some butt, Doctor!"  
  
"Will do, BB!"  
  
**********  
  
Sam and Jack regained consciousness, and they began collecting materials for their assault course. Harry went into the living room, drunkenly picked up the table and staggered out of the door with it. Unfortunately, the width of the door was inversely proportional to the width of the table, so he ended up breaking the legs off.  
  
"Harry!" Jack moaned, "What are we going to do with a table with no legs?"  
  
"We can make it into a slide!" Harry said, "With washing up liquid to make it slippy!"  
  
"That's an alarmingly good idea for you, Harry," Sam said, positioning a piece of the fence to make a ladder.  
  
"Thank you," Harry replied, putting the table down and heading back to the kitchen for the washing up liquid.  
  
Jack went over to the chicken house, to see if there was anything that he could salvage from it. The house had been empty since Jonas' terrible triple murder, so he supposed it wouldn't do any harm.  
  
The weather was getting warmer, and he fought the urge to take off his shirt.   
  
Sam was, at the same time, fighting the urge to tell Jack to take off his shirt.  
  
  
  
She tried to occupy her mind with something else, so she went into the house and into one of the bedrooms, where she was surprised to see Malcolm painting the walls.  
  
"Wow," she said, "Is this your challenge?"  
  
"Yeah," he replied, "How does it look so far?"  
  
"Um...yeah, it looks good," Sam said, wondering what the others would think of bright pink walls with the words: YOGHURTS HAVE FEELINGS TOO on them.  
  
"Thanks," he said, "What have you got to do?"  
  
"We've got to make an assault course out of things we can find around the house," Sam explained, "It was either that, or a threesome in the pool with Jack and Harry."  
  
Malcolm shuddered, and dropped his paintbrush. "Man, that is disgusting. Would you like to add your own comment?"  
  
"Sure!" Sam said, picking up a paintbrush and writing: "Anise is a whore," on the wall above her head.  
  
Malcolm chuckled. "Couldn't agree more."  
  
**********  
  
Harry, meanwhile, had been unfortunate enough to run into Dr McKenzie, who was now attempting his phenomenal psychic torture.  
  
"You're pathetic!" McKenzie laughed, "Did you really think that they wanted you to be in this house?"  
  
Harry shrugged. "No. The reason I came is because nobody wanted me to - it annoys them more."  
  
"D'oh!" McKenzie cursed, trying a different tactic. "Anise says I'm more of a man than you will ever be."  
  
Harry flinched a little at this, but said, "Well, tell Anise that I think she's more of a man than I will ever be - I swear, her legs were hairier than mine the other night."  
  
McKenzie shuddered again, and looked for a way out.  
  
"Look, mate," Harry said, "At the end of the day, I'm younger and more attractive than you, and I just don't think you can cope with that. You might want to think about counselling, mate - find someone who can help you!"  
  
"I'm a bloody psychiatrist!" McKenzie snapped, "There's nothing wrong with my state of mind!"  
  
"I think you could be wrong there," Harry smirked.  
  
"This dream you have," McKenzie pressed, "Where you're eaten by a packet of crisps?"  
  
"What about it?" Harry asked, folding his arms.  
  
"Do you think it could be a subliminal message?" McKenzie asked, "That you're too fat, perhaps?"  
  
Harry pretended to be really hurt. "Ooh, ooh, stop it, McKenzie, you're gonna make me cry! Do you have dreams about stair lifts and bath chairs? Old people's homes? Well, I'll give you a subliminal message, mate!"  
  
With that, he pulled the cap off of the washing up liquid and squirted it in McKenzie's face.  
  
"AGH!"  
  
"Goodbye," Harry said, "I'll take my fat arse outside now."  
  
"Right," McKenzie ground out between his teeth, wiping the washing up liquid from his eye, "It's time to see yoghurt boy."  
  
**********  
  
Malcolm hummed a little tune as he continued with his mural. On the left-hand side of the wall he had painted a large tub of yoghurt, and now he was adding graffiti-style writing. He was so absorbed that he didn't hear McKenzie enter.  
  
Dr McKenzie looked around himself, and smarted as he read one of the comments.  
  
"McKenzie is a tosser?" he snarled.  
  
Malcolm grinned. "Damn right! I - oh, shit!"  
  
"You had the dream where you were drowned in the yoghurt, didn't you?" McKenzie smiled. "What a sad, anal person you must be. Completely besotted with a dairy product."  
  
Malcolm sighed. "If you're trying to make me cry, McKenzie, you're doing a damned bad job of it!"  
  
"Didn't you and Sam have an affair?" McKenzie probed.  
  
Malcolm folded his arms. "Whether we did or didn't is totally none of your business. I'm surprised you even know what an affair is!"  
  
"I may be older than you," McKenzie replied, "But I still know exactly what you're talking about."  
  
"Hmm..." Malcolm said, non-comitally, "Surprised you can find it under all of those wrinkles."  
  
McKenzie growled, picked up a paintbrush, and threw it at the wall, making a green splatter along the pink wall.  
  
Malcolm stared at it, open-mouthed. McKenzie smiled evilly - his work here was done.  
  
"Wow!" Malcolm said, "That is such a modern look! It's complemented perfectly by the shade of pink on the wall - wow!"  
  
"Godammit!" McKenzie snarled, "Now I know it'll be easy to piss Jack O'Neill off."  
  
So he made his way outside, preparing for what he thought would be his saving grace.  
  
**********  
  
Harry was testing the slide. First, he climbed up the fence, yelping as a splinter went into his hand, and then he jumped down the slide, falling into the pool where Anise was sunbathing.  
  
"Agh!" She spat, as a scum of washing up liquid and mud drifted towards her on the surface of the water.  
  
"Hi!" Harry said, waving cheerfully.   
  
"You are disgusting," she snapped, "I'm so glad I ended it with you."  
  
"So am I!" Harry replied, heaving himself out of the water and trapsing back over to Jack and Sam.  
  
"It works!" he said, "Now we need to construct the rest of it."  
  
"How about a tunnel?" Jack asked.   
  
"Yeah," Sam said, "We could get a long table and cover it with a sheet."  
  
"I'm on it," Harry said, going back inside to fetch a table.  
  
"I'll get the bedsheet," Sam said, and hurried after Harry.  
  
Jack squinted up at the sun and wished that his t-shirt would stop sticking to his chest. He stood for a moment and contemplated whether to take it off or not.   
  
Eventually, he decided that he would - to hell with the fact that there were a million people watching him.  
  
Anise's mouth fell open from the other side of the garden. Screw McKenzie, she thought, this one's mine!  
  
She began walking across the garden to him, and when Jack turned around he realised that he'd made a very large mistake.  
  
"Ah, crap," he murmured, trying to struggle back into his shirt. It was then that Harry and Sam came back outside, armed with a table and a sheet respectively.  
  
"Ooh!" Harry giggled, "Watch out, Anise and Jack are about to get down to business in the garden!"  
  
Sam glared at him. "Shouldn't we try and save him from the terror of it?"  
  
Harry nodded. "That is an excellent point. I myself have suffered the terror, and let me tell you, it..."  
  
Sam held up her hand. "Please - I don't need the mental image."  
  
"Sorry," he said, "Come on then."  
  
The two of them raced outside, past McKenzie (who was still nursing his bruised ego) and tackled Jack and Anise.   
  
Harry ran into her with the table and knocked her back into the pool. Sam threw herself at Jack and covered him in the sheet.  
  
Harry smirked as Anise floundered in the pool, spitting and swearing. McKenzie rushed to the side of the pool to try and help her, but she shunned him away, spitting chlorine onto the grass.  
  
Sam stood up and brushed herself off. "I'll get you another shirt," she said, and went back inside. Jack wrapped himself in the sheet and glared at Harry, who was smirking.  
  
"What are smirking about?" he asked.  
  
Harry just carried on smirking. "Nothing," he replied.  
  
"You are definitely smirking," Jack said.  
  
"Oh, the women are just all over you!" Harry sighed, "You're becoming quite a babe magnet."  
  
"Oh, shut up!" Jack said, "We've got to finish this before 6pm."  
  
"Well, we'll be needing the sheet," Harry said. Thankfully, Sam returned with another shirt for Jack, so they were able to carry on with their projects.  
  
**********  
  
"This is Big Brother. We would like the housemates to be aware that whoever fails this task will be evicted, no questions asked."  
  
"WHAT?" Harry shouted, "Oh, God! We have to finish the course!"  
  
"Quickly!" Jack ordered.  
  
Their task was almost finished. Inside, Malcolm was thoroughly enjoying himself, and his new-found talent for painting and decorating.  
  
Anise and Dr McKenzie, however, were making no progress at all in their seduction. Anise was now drooling at the memory of Jack without his shirt, and McKenzie had spent the entire afternoon ogling Sam.  
  
He decided that it was time to try and psychoanalyse Jack.   
  
"So..." he said, sliding up beside Jack, "Your dream about getting beaten...could this link back to the violence you've suffered in your life?"  
  
Jack shook his head. "Actually, it was a mix of too much cream cheese and the fact that a bomb went off in my face."  
  
"But you wouldn't be here unless you were...tortured in some way," McKenzie pressed, "You must be a social delinquent to even volunteer to come on here!"  
  
Jack nodded, and heaved another piece of fence into position. Harry came bounding towards him, tripped over a pheasant and threw saucepans all over the grass, which he had been collecting from the kitchen.  
  
"Social delinquent...so, that must be why you volunteered, McKenzie!" Jack smirked.  
  
"I am a highly trained medical professional!" McKenzie shouted, "There is nothing wrong with my state of mind!"  
  
"So you keep saying," Jack drawled, going over to Harry and helping him up.  
  
"We're nearly there!" Harry smiled, "Just got these kitchen utensils and the burning pit of pheasants - minus the burning, of course - and hey presto!"  
  
**********  
  
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We would like you all to stop your challenges and culminate in the diary room."  
  
So, eventually, all five housemates managed to squeeze into the inadequately sized room. To her disgust, Sam spent the entire time pinned into the wall by McKenzie's elbow. Harry HAD to have the diary room chair, so he was swinging it around gleefully. Jack was sitting on one of the arms, holding on for dear life.  
  
  
  
Anise was sitting on the floor to the side of the chair, quite blatantly eyeing up Jack's butt.  
  
"Firstly, we would like you to visit Bedroom 1, to observe Malcolm's artwork."  
  
So they left the diary room, and went into bedroom 1, where there were various "Ooohs!" and "Ahhhs!"  
  
"A yoghurt mural?" Anise asked with disdain.  
  
"Yes," Malcolm said proudly, "Isn't it amazing?"  
  
"Anise is a w...HEY!" Anise said, thumping Malcolm on the head with her make-up bag.  
  
"I didn't write it!" Malcolm complained, as a tube of eyeliner stabbed him in the ear.  
  
"Housemates, we would now like you to move to the garden, where Harry will take you through the obstacle course, and you will have your own chance to compete."  
  
**********  
  
"Step right up, people, step right up!" Harry cried, "See the amazing obstacle course! Are we all ready? Then I'll begin. To start the course, you must balance along this curtain rail, which is precariously perched on top of the lit barbecue. Then, removing your shoes, you must walk the gutter of doom! Warning: contains real waste products! When you've conquered the gutter of doom, you have to step in these saucepans of cold baked beans WITHOUT touching the grass at any time. Just when you think it couldn't get any worse, you have to climb the splinter wall, which leads you to the trampoline bed! You must then play three rounds of Twister on the bed with your fellow teammate, without falling off of the bed at any time. Finally, you jump over the man-eating-pheasant pool (which was merely an inflatable paddling pool with three pheasants running around in it), and take a trip down Neptune's Leap - or, the slippery slide of terror! You will end up in the pool - the person with the quickest time wins!"  
  
"I think I got all of that..." Malcolm said weakly.  
  
"Good!" Harry beamed, "Now, get into teams of 2, please!"  
  
Sam went with Jack, Anise with Dr McKenzie and poor Malcolm ended up with Harry.  
  
"Don't worry, Malcolm!" Harry beamed, "You'll be fine! Sam - Jack, you're up first!"  
  
"Aw, man," Jack groaned.  
  
"Three...two...one...GO!"  
  
**********  
  
Jack jumped onto the curtain rail and edged along it, though he could feel the barbecue beneath him - and it was definitely on. He felt Sam walking behind him, and suddenly wondered why in the hell he was doing this. Up ahead of him, he could see the gutter of doom. Removing his shoes, he began the walk along it, wrinkling his nose in disgust.  
  
"Ugh!" Sam said, falling into step behind Jack, "Harry, why did we let you do this?"  
  
"All part of the fun!" Harry beamed.  
  
Next came the saucepans of baked beans, which were surprisingly bearable after the gutter of doom. Next came the splinter wall, which proved to be exceedingly painful as neither Sam nor Jack were wearing any socks.  
  
Halfway through their second round of Twister, Sam and Jack found themselves in an exceedingly compromising position from which there appeared to be no escape.  
  
"Uh...Carter...your foot..."  
  
"Oh, sorry sir..."  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Sorry. Your arm is sort of..."  
  
"Oh, yeah. I'll move it...here..."  
  
"Ahh!"  
  
"That was better. Wait, no, my foot's stuck."  
  
"Why don't you move it... there."  
  
"That's better. Agh, my hand!"  
  
"Ah- now...your hand is kinda touching my..."  
  
"Ooh!"  
  
"HEY!" Harry shouted, "NO GROPING ON THE TWISTER BOARD!"  
  
"Sorry!" Jack murmured. It took them a further minute to escape the perils of the Twister board, but when it was done they jumped over the pheasant pool and down the slide, straight into the normal pool.  
  
Harry was cheering wildly. "Whoo! Well done! Malcolm, you and I are up next."  
  
Malcolm was trembling as he ascended the curtain rail behind Harry, who was already walking the drainpipe of doom.  
  
"Uh...Harry..." he called.  
  
"Yeah?" Harry asked, gleefully jumping through the baked bean saucepans.  
  
"I'm kinda...allergic to...pheasant...a-CHOO!"  
  
Malcolm sneezed so violently that he fell off of the drainpipe and into the flowerbed.  
  
"Damn!" Harry shouted, as he finished the course. Right, Anise - McKenzie - it's your go!"  
  
"I'm not doing THAT!" Anise said, in a huff.   
  
"Nor me!" McKenzie replied.  
  
Harry sighed. "I had anticipated that." He pulled an electric shaver from his pocket.  
  
"GET ON THAT CURTAIN RAIL NOW BEFORE I SHAVE YOUR EYEBROWS OFF!"  
  
"AAAAAGGGGGGHHHH!"  
  
(Banging noise)  
  
CRASH!  
  
(Angry squawking of pheasants)  
  
(Resounding splash sound)  
  
Harry sniggered. "The End."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Next time: It's the FINAL! Who will win Stargate Big Brother 2003? How many last-minute affairs will take place? Will Harry ever put any clothes on? Find out next time in the final episode of Stargate Big Brother! 


	20. Stargate Big Brother The Grand Final Pa...

Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 1)  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: Welcome to the Stargate Big Brother 2003 LIVE FINAL (Part 1) who will be the first housemate to leave the Big Brother house? How many last-minute fights and affairs will take place, and will Harry ever put any clothes on?  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me, they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 1)~  
  
Copyright © 2003 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"Hello and welcome to the final of Stargate Big Brother 2003! There are six housemates left in the competition, so it's time for the viewers to start casting their votes!"  
  
**********  
  
Anise looked at McKenzie as she got out of the swimming pool.  
  
"You do realise," she said slowly, seductively, "That this is the last night we will be spending together in the house?"  
  
She heard a cheer somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and threw a banana at him.  
  
"I do," McKenzie replied, stretching out in the pool and looking at her questioningly.  
  
"Well, don't you think we should make the most of this opportunity?" she continued, leaning over him.  
  
She heard vomiting noises somewhere from the vicinity of Harry, and turned around to confront him. What she saw was not pretty. He was wearing one of Sam's tank tops with a pair of ripped denim shorts underneath. Anise would have put money on the fact that he was wearing Pikachu underwear.  
  
"You're just jealous because you're not getting any," Anise spat viciously, her hands on her hips.  
  
Harry grinned at her.   
  
"What are you talking about? I could have a threesome with Sam and Jack whenever I wanted! Isn't that right, guys?"  
  
There was an ominous silence from the direction of Sam and Jack.  
  
"D'oh!"  
  
**********  
  
"It's ten o'clock on the morning of the Big Brother final. The housemates have just twelve hours left to do something interesting and gain their place in the fame of television. So far, things do not look interesting."  
  
Malcolm went over to the fridge and removed the last remaining blueberry yoghurt from it. He sighed as he remembered the yoghurts gone by, from week one right up until this, the final week. He'd spent so long in the house that he'd forgotten how long he had been in there, and so had the author.  
  
He went over to the kitchen drawer and removed a spoon, unaware of a figure that was watching him from behind the saucepans, clad in Pikachu underwear. As he pulled the top off of the yoghurt, the Pikachu-underwear clad figure advanced on him, raising a wooden spoon high above his head as if to strike…  
  
"Aaagh!" Malcolm shrieked, as Harry plunged the wooden spoon down into the yoghurt and giggled as it splattered everywhere.  
  
"Gone!" Harry stated bluntly, letting out a war cry and running around the kitchen with a saucepan on his head, shaking the yoghurt-covered spoon around him.   
  
"You…spilt…my…last…yoghurt!" Malcolm cried angrily, picking up a scarily huge carving knife and chasing after Harry with it.  
  
It was at that point that Sam and Jack decided to exit the bedroom for the first time in around 72 hours.   
  
They went into the kitchen only to be met with an irate Malcolm, who was chasing a semi-naked Harry, holding an enormous carving knife.  
  
"Hey! Malcolm!" Jack shouted, "Just what the hell is going on?"  
  
"HE SPILT MY YOGHURT!" Malcolm yelled, running after Harry who was cowering behind Sam.  
  
"Whoa, calm down!" Jack said, trying to restrain Malcolm, who he thought was surprisingly strong for a dweeb.  
  
"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!" Malcolm shrieked again, as Harry grabbed hold of Sam's forearm and held her in front of him.  
  
"You wouldn't dare hurt the girl!" Harry giggled, "As long as she's with me, you can't do squat!"  
  
Sam rolled her eyes, turned around, and punched Harry in the face.  
  
"I am sick and tired of being used as a hostage!" she said, walking out of the kitchen, "I'm sorry, but that'll have to be Anise's job!"  
  
***********  
  
Outside in the pool, Anise was still trying to persuade McKenzie to do dirty things with her, but it appeared that Anise had a problem. That problem was McKenzie himself, who was currently staring at Sam's butt.  
  
"You get your eyes off of her!" Anise hollered, standing closer to McKenzie, "You're MINE!"  
  
"Huh?" McKenzie drooled, not taking his eyes off of Sam.  
  
Anise's eyes met Sam's and they glared at each other.  
  
"Are you trying to steal my man?" Anise snarled.  
  
"No, I'm trying to get away from the pair of you," Sam coolly replied.  
  
"Are you trying to pick a fight with me?" Anise yelled, bringing Jack and Malcolm running from inside of the house.  
  
"No," Sam began, "But if you're offering…"  
  
Anise ran forwards and crashed into Sam, sending them both to the ground. Sam was soon back on top, however, and started pulling Anise's hair.  
  
"Ow!" Anise shrieked, slapping Sam across the face.  
  
McKenzie giggled from the pool. Jack frowned, took his shoe off, threw it at McKenzie and went back to watching the fight.  
  
Sam punched Anise in the nose, and stood up to try and walk away. Anise grabbed hold of her ankle and brought her crashing back down to the ground. At that point, Harry ran into the garden wearing absolutely nothing but a Pikachu thong.  
  
"Ooh!" he laughed, "A bitch fight!"  
  
Everyone stopped and looked at Harry and THE THONG. Even Anise and Sam stopped hitting each other to gape at the monstrosity before them.  
  
"The things you see…" Jack groaned, "When you haven't got your gun."  
  
Anise took the moment of horror and used it to her advantage, giving Sam a rough shove that sent her perilously close to the edge of the pool.  
  
Sam laid there and waited for Anise to come closer before she pushed herself back up and ran sideways into her, throwing them both into the pool.   
  
The men were absolutely delighted, as if all of their birthdays had come at once.  
  
**********  
  
Eventually, Jack felt that he had to intervene, and dived into the pool to separate Sam and Anise, much to the distaste of McKenzie and Harry.  
  
He dragged Sam out of the pool, accidentally on purpose forgetting to go back for Anise.  
  
"You bitch!" Anise shouted from the water.  
  
Sam smirked and gave her the v-sign.  
  
"Good fighting, Sam!" Harry smiled, bounding over to give her a hug.  
  
Sam turned around in horror and promptly threw herself back in the pool again.  
  
"What?" Harry asked, jumping up and down on the spot and wondering why Jack was turning a shade of green.  
  
"Harry…you really should take that off…" Jack groaned, wishing that he'd said nothing before the words were even out of his mouth.  
  
"Oh, ok," Harry grinned, pulling off the thong.  
  
"AAAAGGGGHHHH!" Jack and Malcolm shouted, throwing themselves back into the pool.  
  
"Perfect opportunity to top up my tan!" Harry exclaimed delightedly, laying out on the grass and going to sleep.  
  
McKenzie shuddered in distaste, and went back inside to get himself dressed. As far as he was concerned, the sooner he was out of the damned house the better.  
  
"Would Dr McKenzie please come to the diary room?"  
  
**********  
  
"Fine," he grumbled, pulling the towel a little tighter around his waist and going into the diary room.  
  
"Doctor, this is Big Brother."  
  
"I know. What the hell did you call me in here for?"  
  
"Well, we have decided, seeing that you have failed your challenge, as well as creating a nasty scene with Anise, that because of your failures you are no longer compatible to win Big Brother 2003."  
  
McKenzie laughed.   
  
"You think you're so clever, don't you? Well, duh! It's the viewers that have to vote, stupid!"  
  
Big Brother laughed.  
  
"You stupid BEEP-er. Don't you know that Big Brother controls everything? You have now lost your right to an interview as well."  
  
"How can you do that?" McKenzie grinned. "I am in control here, not you!"  
  
"We'll see about that," Big Brother laughed.  
  
Suddenly, a trapdoor appeared beneath McKenzie's feet and opened suddenly.  
  
"Bye!" Big Brother cheered.  
  
"Aaaaggghh!"  
  
CRASH  
  
"Would Anise please come to the diary room?"  
  
**********  
  
"Where has McKenzie got to?" Anise asked, getting out of the pool and being careful to look in the opposite direction to the sunbathing Harry.  
  
"He went inside," Jack said, "Probably needed to inflate his ego…or something else…" he sniggered.  
  
Anise let out a huff of disapproval and stalked back inside the house, with her towel wrapped around her waist after her and Sam's dramatic fight in the pool, which was the most interesting thing that had happened in about a week.  
  
"Anise, this is Big Brother. We have decided to set you a challenge - you have exactly five minutes to bed one of the remaining members of the Big Brother house, or you will be evicted and will not have a chance to win the £70,000 cash prize. Do you understand?"  
  
"But…Big Brother, why are you doing this?" Anise stammered, "I've been the faithful bitchy housemate throughout this entire series!"  
  
"I know, Anise, but you've had a great deal of time to raise our ratings with your bitchy antics and yet you still haven't managed it. Quite frankly, we're ashamed. Your five minutes start…now!"  
  
"But…agh!"  
  
Anise rushed out of the diary room and back out into the garden, where the other housemates were lazing by the pool, and trying to keep a large distance away from Harry, who was still taking part in his naked sunbathing.  
  
"QUICK!" She shouted, "I'm gonna get kicked out of the Big Brother house in five minutes unless one of you sleeps with me!"  
  
Jack grunted and turned over by the side of the pool. Malcolm tried to make himself look busy by jumping into a rose bush and shrieking as the thorns stuck into his butt.  
  
"Harry!" Anise said desperately, "Harry, sweetie," she cringed, "Will you go to bed with me?"  
  
"I thought I was crap!" Harry said, sitting up and eyeing Anise suspiciously, "I thought that McKenzie was your new lover boy! Where is he when you really need him, eh?"  
  
"HARRY!" Anise shrieked, "PLEASE!"  
  
"Hmmm…let's see…how about, no?"  
  
"Well, it's not like you have anything better to do!" Anise snapped, looking at her watch and squealing in terror as she realised that she had just one minute left.  
  
"I think I'm going to go and jump in that rose bush with Malcolm, actually," Harry grinned, and took a running jump into the rose bush, landing on top of Malcolm and pushing the thorns further into the soft skin of his buttocks.  
  
"Agh!" Malcolm shrieked, "Harry, get the f-BEEP off of me!"  
  
"Would you rather do this, or go to bed with Anise?" Harry shouted. Malcolm was quiet.  
  
Anise turned around and saw Sam standing by the pool with a smirk on her face.  
  
"What about you?" She asked.  
  
Sam laughed. "PLEASE! Give me some credit!"  
  
"Do you really think that I would be asking YOU unless I was desperate?" Anise snapped.  
  
"I could ask you the same thing, sister," Sam grinned, turning her back on her.  
  
"Well, seeing as I'm about to get kicked out in," she looked at her watch, "Thirty seconds, how about a final, massive bitch fight to finish it off?"  
  
Sam frowned. "Are you sure that's long enough?"  
  
Anise shrugged. "We won't know until we try, will we?"  
  
She took a running jump and knocked Sam backwards into the pool, where she began to pull her hair and push her head under the water.  
  
"Hey guys!" Jack shouted, "BITCH FIGHT!"  
  
"What?" Harry shouted, incredibly distressed as he was unable to remove his head from the rose bush.  
  
"Oh, you're missing it!" Jack yelled again, as Sam dragged Anise out of the pool and threw her down on the grass, running over to the hose and turning it on full power. As Anise tried to stand up, the jet of water hit her full on and threw her back into the rose bush, where she promptly became stuck as well.  
  
"Well, that dealt with them," Jack said, "Let's go inside and make some lunch."  
  
**********  
  
"Harry, there has got to be some way out of here," Anise said, through a mouth of rose petals.  
  
"I know that, but you're gonna have to be the first one to move, as you're on the top."  
  
"How's Malcolm doing?" Anise asked, trying to wriggle her way out of the thorns but failing miserably.  
  
"He's…uh…he's a little spiky," Harry snorted, earning himself a punch in the nose.  
  
"Yeah, but I can still punch," Malcolm grunted, falling forwards and hitting the dirt beneath the rose bush.  
  
"We could get Sam and Jack to cut us out," Anise suggested.  
  
"Yeah, but how are we going to get their attention?" Harry questioned, scratching what he hoped was his own butt and not Malcolm's.  
  
"We need a megaphone of sorts," Malcolm said, "Or we could just get Anise to shout, I suppose."  
  
PUNCH  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Sorry, I thought you were Malcolm."  
  
PUNCH  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Sorry, I thought you were Anise."  
  
"We are going to be stuck here for a very long time, aren't we?"  
  
**********  
  
Back inside of the house, Sam and Jack were making no attempt to go back outside and rescue their three fellow housemates who were stranded in the rose bush. Instead, Jack had decided that he wanted to try and make pancakes, which was a mistake because he and Sam had about as much cooking experience as an amnesic ant.  
  
"So…you put the ingredients into the bowl…"  
  
"Do you know what a bowl looks like, Carter?" Jack teased, only to have water flicked in his face.  
  
"Yes I know what a bowl is!" She snapped playfully, "Not quite sure how to use it, but…"  
  
"Then, you mix it together, and pour it in the frying pan! Easy!" Jack crowed.  
  
"Yes," Sam sighed, "But it does help if the heat is on underneath the frying pan."  
  
**********  
  
Malcolm sneezed as dirt flew up into his face for the third time. Harry had decided that the only way out of their predicament would be to dig through to Australia, even if it took him the rest of his life.  
  
Anise and Malcolm were trying to formulate better plans of their own, but for the time being they were content with watching Harry going further and further down into the dirt hole that he was digging with his feet.  
  
"I…I think I can see the Sydney Opera House!" Harry squealed delightedly.  
  
Anise turned around to have a look.   
  
"No, Harry, that's a woodlouse."  
  
"Wait!" Malcolm said suddenly, "My God, it's so obvious, I should have thought of it before!"  
  
"What?" Anise and Harry said in unison.  
  
Malcolm sighed. "Harry has dug the hole right out from under the rose bush - all we have to do is climb out!"  
  
There was a dumbstruck silence.  
  
"We knew that!" Harry said in exasperation, "We were just testing you."  
  
**********  
  
Once they were back inside, Anise was called into the diary room, to plead her case for not being evicted.  
  
"Anise. You failed our earlier challenge and you therefore failed to attract more viewers. What do you have to say in your defence?"  
  
"I say that I still managed to create a fight with Sam, and I also got stuck in the rose bush with Harry and Malcolm, which must have got some people to tune in! Please, Big Brother, I tried my best."  
  
Big Brother grunted non-commitally.   
  
"I see that we were wrong in letting Jonas be evicted. He would have created a scene for us!"  
  
"I'm just as good as Jonas!" Anise protested, "If not better!"  
  
"Did you kill the chickens?" Big Brother shouted, "Did you freeze Malcolm and then defrost him on the barbecue? Did you place a honking huge bomb? NO! You will never be Jonas!"  
  
"Well, I tried!" Anise snapped, "What are you going to do? Open up a hole in the ground and let me drop through it?"  
  
"No," Big Brother smirked, "That would be far too flattering. Anise, you will leave the Big Brother house via the drainage system."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Wearing a chicken suit."  
  
"Oh, F-BEEP!"  
  
**********  
  
Unbeknown to the other housemates, Anise was making her somewhat smelly journey out of the Big Brother house at about the same time that they were all called into the sitting room, where the fourth-place finalist would leave the house for their interview.  
  
Harry was certain that it would be him, so he was dressed to impress (or, perhaps, depress) in a Pikachu thong and matching tank top.   
  
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. First of all, congratulations for making it to the final!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
"You may wonder where Dr McKenzie and Anise have gone. I am delighted to inform you that they have both been disqualified from winning the show, and have now left with no right to an interview. Anyway…"  
  
The housemates smirked. Anise and McKenzie couldn't win, ha ha ha…  
  
"I can now reveal that the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"  
  
(Stupidly long pause during which you could run out, buy the entire 'Godfather' trilogy on DVD, bunny hop to Blackpool to buy a DVD player and do tiny steps back to Cornwall before revealing who had to leave.)  
  
"Sam."  
  
"Nnnnnnooooooo!" Jack wailed, throwing himself at Sam and chucking the pair of them over the back of the couch.  
  
"Sam, you have one minute to collect your belongings and say your goodbyes - I'm coming to get you!"  
  
Sam disentangled herself from Jack and went over to Malcolm, pulling him into a hug.  
  
"Good luck," she smiled, "I think you'll need it, stuck in here with them."  
  
Malcolm grinned, and Sam went over to Harry.  
  
"It's been wild," she smiled, "I take it that when we're all out of here, it'll be back to the same old NID bullshit?"  
  
"Hell, yeah!" Harry laughed, pulling her into a bear hug that was a little too friendly for Sam's liking.  
  
Sam went back over to Jack and held him close to her.  
  
"You'll see me again in a couple of hours," she reassured him.  
  
"But it'll seem like years!" Jack wailed.  
  
"It won't be long," Sam smiled, going over to her bag and hauling it up the stairs.  
  
"Five…four…three…two…one…SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. SAM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."  
  
Sam exited the house and stepped outside for the first time, to be met with masses of cheers and photographers. Janet came bounding up the stairs towards her and gave her a big hug, followed quickly by Danny and Teal'c.  
  
"Join me after the break for an interview with the fourth-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003, SAM!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
**********  
  
"So, welcome back. I'm here with Sam, everybody!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
"Sam. Are you disappointed that you didn't win?"  
  
"Of course I am a little, but it was starting to get a bit boring in there, with nothing to do but fight with Anise the entire time."  
  
"Speaking of Anise, the two of you seemed to be at each other's throats for the entire time - what was going on with that?"  
  
"Well, she was pretty much jealous of the relationship I had with Jack, and because we were the only two women left in the house after a while, she saw me as competition in nearly everything."  
  
"How did you feel about her yourself?"  
  
"She wasn't too bad - by the time it got to this last week, I was glad of something to do so we just fought each other because we were so bored."  
  
"Let's move onto Jack. We all know how close the two of you have become over the last week, but it hasn't always been this way, has it?"  
  
"No," Sam admitted, "We had a very rocky relationship throughout the show, but this was due to Sara and Jonas' arrival more than anything else."  
  
"Jonas. Well, what can we say?"  
  
"He's insane," Sam said, "But I admit that he did make things a lot more lively inside the house. Killing the chickens was totally out of order, though."  
  
"Now, Sam, there is an important question that we have to ask you - regarding Malcolm."  
  
Sam laughed.  
  
"WHAT HAPPENED? Did you or didn't you?"  
  
"We did."  
  
CHEERING  
  
"Originally we weren't going to, but like I said, things were so boring, and you wanted more viewers, so we thought that we'd confuse you so that you wouldn't find out until now."  
  
"Who did you get on best with in the house?"  
  
"Janet, Danny and Teal'c mostly," Sam continued, "And Jack of course, but like you already said, that was a bit on/off."  
  
"And who did you really not get on with in the house?"  
  
"Anise, Dr McKenzie and Hathor. McKenzie because he's a twat…"  
  
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE  
  
"What was your favourite moment in the house?"  
  
"Um…I'd have to say the obstacle course," Sam said, "It was fun working with Jack and Harry to try and make something good out of a load of crap that we could find around the place."  
  
"Sam, who would you like to go ahead and win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"  
  
"Well, I think that any three of them deserve to win it, but I would say Harry."  
  
CHEERING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS  
  
"Well, Sam, I can safely say that you have been a joy to watch over the past weeks - a true survivor. Here are your best moments!"  
  
'Survivor' by Destiny's Child plays, accompanied by lots of clips of Sam throughout her time in the house.  
  
"Thank you, everybody, it's SAM!"  
  
MAD CHEERING  
  
**********  
  
"Join me in part 2, to find out who has finished in third place in Stargate Big Brother 2003!"  
  
**********  
  
Next time: It's down to three, and three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Trust me, you don't want to know anything more than that…  
  
**********  
  
Author's Note: It's getting close to finishing now! Again, many thanks to all those who have sent their feedback and support throughout this fic, because I wouldn't be this near finishing it without you! Cheers, and have a happy new year!  
  
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net 


	21. Stargate Big Brother The Grand Final Pa...

Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 2)  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)  
  
Spoilers: References to Titanic and Star Wars.   
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's down to three, and it's three guys. What will they get up to during their last hours in the house? Well, it involves an unusual game of twister, some baby oil and a table. Jack and Malcolm are on a mission to destroy an offending article of Harry's clothing - will they succeed?  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 2) ~  
  
Copyright © 2004 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"Hello and welcome back to the second part of the Stargate Big Brother 2003 final! Sam just became the fourth-place winner of the show, but who will come in third? Stay tuned to find out…"  
  
**********  
  
"So…" Harry said, sitting on the couch and twiddling nervously with the edge of his Pikachu thong. "What are we going to do? We have at least an hour and a half before the next one of us leaves, there's got to be something for us to do."  
  
"How about a game of Twister?" Malcolm suggested brightly.  
  
"Yeah!" Harry cheered, "Let's go!"  
  
"Oh, wait a minute…" Malcolm said, his voice trailing off, "I think we…uh…misplaced the mat…."  
  
"Where?" Harry questioned.  
  
"I...um…well…we…" Malcolm stuttered. "You see, it's like this…"  
  
Harry waved his hands in the air.   
  
"Don't bother - we'll have to make our own Twister mat."  
  
"With what?" Jack snapped, "Pieces of fruit?"  
  
"Wow!" Harry cheered, "Jack, you are just full of great ideas today!"  
  
He rushed off into the kitchen to find the appropriate pieces of fruit, whilst Malcolm went over to the table and stripped it of its white cloth, to be used as the board.  
  
"Hey! Harry!" Malcolm shouted suddenly, "What can we use as a spinner?"  
  
"I've got it all worked out, Yoghurt-boy," Harry yelled from the kitchen, accidentally stepping in a saucepan and going arse over tit on the kitchen floor.  
  
"Don't call me yoghurt boy!" Malcolm snivelled.  
  
"Shut up, Yoghurt boy," Jack grunted, and turned over on the couch, only to find his face stuffed into Harry's Pikachu thong.  
  
"Aagh!" Jack shouted, "Harry!"  
  
"What?" Harry asked innocently from the kitchen.  
  
Jack held the offending item of clothing away from him with a breadstick.  
  
"If your thong is here, what are you doing over there?" He questioned dryly.  
  
Malcolm looked up at Harry and shrieked, diving beneath the tablecloth for protection and safety.  
  
"If we're gonna play this game, Harry, I insist that you wear clothes!" Jack hollered, throwing the thong over to Harry.  
  
"Oh, okay, Jack," Harry said brightly, throwing the thong back to him, "I'll go and put some new clothes on!"  
  
Jack let out a cry of "Nnnnoooo!" and dived to the side of the couch to avoid being hit in the face with the offending Pikachu thong.  
  
"Nice dodge," Malcolm commented, peering out from under the tablecloth.  
  
"Thanks," Jack said back, carefully sitting up, "I think it would be better for all of mankind if we disposed of that thong."  
  
"B…b…but how?" Malcolm stammered. "It's…it's hideous!"  
  
"I know that…" Said Jack, edging away from the thong as it lay, seemingly innocently, on the couch, "But somebody has to get rid of it. We'll need full protection - follow me Malcolm."  
  
Jack and Malcolm edged away from the thong and into the first bedroom, searching for protective clothing. Harry was happily changing into his different outfit in the second bedroom, unaware of what was about to befall his Pikachu thong.  
  
**********  
  
Ten minutes later, Jack and Malcolm emerged from the first bedroom in their protective gear. At least, that was what they liked to call it - to anyone else, it looked like they were just trying to have fun dressing up as…things.  
  
Jack was wearing a dressing gown that was done up to his neck, some large Wellington boots and a pair of pants on his head. He was also wearing one of Sam's bras over his face to act as a mask. Malcolm gave him a funny look.  
  
"What? It's a mask!" Jack protested.  
  
"Not just an excuse to put your head somewhere that it would never go in real life?" Malcolm teased.  
  
"Shut up, yoghurt boy!" Jack snapped, "And you can talk - have you looked at yourself in the mirror yet?"  
  
Malcolm was wearing one of Anise's bathrobes that did up to his chin, a pair of underpants on his head and a pair of pink fluffy slippers that had belonged to Martouf on his feet. He had only found a handkerchief to act as a mask, and had stuck it to his head behind his ears using masking tape.  
  
"Where is the offending article?" Jack asked, holding his weapon out before him.  
  
It was of extremely crude design, just five tampons stuck together with masking tape with a lighter on the end, also held on with masking tape. Malcolm's weapon was of similar design - it consisted of a silver spoon wrapped in toilet paper with a pair of nail scissors stuck on the end.  
  
"You first," Jack said, pushing Malcolm forwards, "Just pick up the thong with the scissors, and we'll take it outside and burn it."  
  
Malcolm stepped forwards towards the thong and shuddered. He turned back to Jack, and spoke in a low, terrified whisper.  
  
"It's looking at me."  
  
Jack rolled his eyes and pushed Malcolm further towards the offending article, and rolled his eyes at the camera which was taking great interest in his cotton-covered backside.  
  
With a large degree of difficulty, Malcolm picked up the thong and he and Jack edged out towards the kitchen, Malcolm holding it between the two sides of the scissors with a shaking hand.   
  
"Get the door!" He nearly shrieked at Jack, who ran forwards, tripped over his bathrobe and went headfirst into the bin.  
  
"Ssh!" Malcolm hissed, "He'll hear us!"  
  
**********  
  
It was at that badly timed moment that Harry decided to emerge from the second bedroom, done up to the nines in his best outfit.  
  
It consisted of a pair of denim shorts with Pokémon cards sewn onto them, and a camisole top with a picture of Bulbasaur on it, and the words "You go, Bulbasaur!" In bright neon green writing.  
  
"Guys?" He asked in confusion, walking around the sitting room, "Guys, where are you?"  
  
"Malcolm, run!!" Jack hissed through a mouthful of garbage.  
  
"But…but I can't go! I won't go - not without you!"  
  
"I'll be alright," Jack protested, "Now go! Quickly, before Harry sees us and kills us both!"  
  
"But, Master, without you I will never learn to be a proper Jedi!" Malcolm pleaded.   
  
"You will be a Jedi," Jack promised, "But you must use the force to destroy that Pikachu thong - can't you see that it is a danger to the rest of humanity?"  
  
"Yes, Master," Malcolm said miserably, "But I will need your fire-stick."  
  
"Take it," Jack said, holding out the tampon-and-lighter invention, "Take it and go!"  
  
"I will use the force!" Malcolm promised, and slipped outside of the door, leaving Jack to fend for himself, still stuck headfirst in the bin.  
  
**********  
  
Harry put his hands on his hips and looked around in bewilderment.  
  
"Where are you guys?" He shouted. When there was no response, he sighed and went into the kitchen, at first not noticing the Wellington boots that stuck out of the top of it, with the remains of a dressing gown beneath that.  
  
"I'll just get the twister stuff set up!" Harry smiled, "Then they'll be back!"  
  
At that moment, Jack had a very badly-timed sneeze, and Harry spun around, losing one of the Pokémon cards off of his pair of shorts.   
  
"Charizard," he said fondly, "Come back here."  
  
He pocketed the card and turned back to the bin, where he saw one of the Wellington boots move. Picking up the nearest French loaf, he edged over to the bin, forgetting to look out of the window where there was a large and warm bonfire being lit.  
  
"Who are you?" Harry shouted, "What are you doing in the bin?"  
  
"It's me!" Jack said, in a muffled voice, hoping that Malcolm had done his job.  
  
"Jack?" Harry asked, "What on earth are you doing in the bin?"  
  
"I…uh…I was playing hide and seek!" Jack moaned feebly, wishing that he had a better excuse.   
  
"Let me get you out of there," Harry said, grabbing hold of the Wellingtons and pulling.  
  
Jack popped out of the bin like a cork from a champagne bottle, sending rubbish flying all over the floor.  
  
"Jack!" Harry giggled, "Why have you got one of Sam's bras on your face?"  
  
"I…uh…how did that get there" Jack said, pretending to be aghast and throwing the bra on the floor, turning back to Harry, "It must have been in the bin!"  
  
"Oh, look!" Harry said, "Malcolm's having a bonfire! Let's go take a look!"  
  
Jack's futile attempts to stop Harry from going outside were thwarted with a great deal of ease, and all he could do was watch helplessly whilst Harry bounded over to stand beside Malcolm and gaze at the bonfire.   
  
"Aww…" Harry smiled, "I can almost see Pikachu dancing in the flames!"  
  
Malcolm flinched, and Harry gave a nervous twitch. Jack started edging back inside.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" Harry wailed, and jumped into the fire to rescue his thong.  
  
**********  
  
Half an hour later, the three men were back inside, Malcolm and Jack trying to keep a good distance away from Harry, who was suffering from murderous rage after his thong had been burned into nothing but yellow dust.  
  
"So," he said, "How about that game of twister?"  
  
"But I thought…" Jack began, but Malcolm punched him on the arm to keep him quiet.  
  
"I spent ages setting it up," Harry grumbled, "We might as well play it!"  
  
"Okay," Jack and Malcolm agreed, somewhat reluctantly. What could Harry have in store for them? All they knew was that it wouldn't be good…  
  
**********  
  
Jack frowned as he looked at their pathetic excuse for a twister board. It was simply a white tablecloth, with some cardboard circles in the colours of red, green, blue and yellow that were taped to the sheet.   
  
"So…what do we use for a spinner?" Malcolm asked.   
  
He soon wished that he hadn't.  
  
"Well," Harry grinned, "I'm quite proud of this idea."  
  
He turned around and went into the kitchen for a moment, before returning with an apple, orange, lemon and blueberry and a bottle of baby oil.  
  
Jack looked at Malcolm, and Malcolm looked at Jack. This was getting worse by the minute.  
  
"What…do we have to do with those?" Malcolm ventured.  
  
"Well, you see," Harry went over to the table and poured the baby oil onto it, making it into a very slippery surface, equivalent to a road that was covered in ice. He then placed the four different fruits on the floor just at the end of the table, and looked up at Malcolm and Jack.  
  
"What you have to do is take a run-up to the table, jump onto it, slide along it and then whichever piece of fruit you land closest to correlates to which circle you have to put your foot or hand on!"  
  
"Ah…" Jack protested, "Harry, my knee…"  
  
"Oh, don't worry!" Harry cried jubilantly, "A little oil will loosen your joints up!"  
  
Malcolm buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Oh, and one other thing - you'll have to strip down to your boxers, or the table slide bit won't work."  
  
**********  
  
Five minutes later, Jack found himself standing in front of the greased table, wearing nothing but his boxers. He prayed that his mother would not be watching.  
  
"You go first, Jack!" Harry smirked, "It'll be fun!"  
  
Jack ran at the table and threw himself onto it, sliding across the surface like a seal on ice, and falling in an unceremonious heap on the floor, next to the blueberry.  
  
"Well done!" Harry cheered, "Now, Jack, put your left foot on the blue circle."  
  
Jack grimaced at the feel of the baby oil between his toes, but said nothing and put his foot on the blue circle.  
  
"You go, Malcolm!" Harry smiled, "And I am loving your boxers, by the way."  
  
Malcolm blushed - he was wearing a pair of X-Men boxer shorts that he'd only brought with him in a case of emergency. He also took a run up at the table and skidded across it. He went flying off of the end of it and grabbed the lemon as he crashed into the back of the couch.  
  
"Okay, Malcolm, you put your right hand on the yellow circle." Harry rubbed his hands together, "Now it's my go!"  
  
Harry took a running jump at the table and landed smack in the middle of it. The table then promptly collapsed under the combined pressure that the three men had put on it. Harry was then stuck in the hole which had split the left side of the table from the right, and he was not happy about it.  
  
"JACK!" He screeched, "MALCOLM! GET ME OUT OF HERE!"  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry," Jack said, getting up and walking towards the bathroom, "I've got to go and shower now…" with that, he ran for the bathroom, but skidded on the floor because of the baby oil on his feet and landed straight in the toilet.  
  
Malcolm got up and edged away from Harry, who was still stuck in the collapsed table.  
  
"I've got to…uh…go and make some pancakes!" He stuttered, skidding on the tiles of the kitchen floor and shooting into the fridge.  
  
"O, woe is me!" Harry bawled, as he remained in the table.  
  
**********  
  
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. I can now reveal that the third-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"  
  
(Stupidly hideous long pause during which you could watch all four seasons of 'The Sopranos' back to back, twice, and you would still not know who had been evicted.)  
  
"Jack."  
  
Jack came out of the shower room dressed in clean clothes and let out a sigh of relief. Malcolm cried like a baby at the thought of being left alone in the house without Jack and with only Harry for company for another hour and a half.  
  
"I'll see you when we get out," Jack promised Malcolm, "Just give him some food and he'll shut up," he advised.  
  
"Bye, Jack!" Harry shouted from the table.  
  
"Bye, Harry!" Jack shouted back.  
  
"5..4...3...2...1...JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. JACK, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE."  
  
Jack happily ran up the stairs and practically threw himself out of the doors at the top of the house, where he was met by Sam and Daniel, both of whom were very happy to see him.  
  
"Join me after the break for an interview with the third-place evictee, JACK!"  
  
CROWD CHEERS  
  
**********  
  
"Welcome back, Big Brother fans, I'm here with Jack!"  
  
LOUD CHEERING  
  
"So, Jack, how do you feel now, knowing that you haven't won?"  
  
"Well, it's kind of annoying, but not as annoying as spending another moment in the house with Harry."  
  
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS  
  
"Let's talk about Harry. What was it about him that you found particularly difficult to deal with?"  
  
"Well, he was always so loud, and he insisted on walking around the house with barely any clothes on."  
  
"Perhaps he was just trying to express himself."  
  
"No, he was trying to be a pain in the butt and it worked!" Jack snapped.  
  
BOOING FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
SILENCE FROM HARRY SUPPORTERS  
  
"Thank you!" Jack said in exasperation.  
  
"Okay, moving on - how did you feel about Martouf? Back in the early weeks of the show, the two of you didn't really get on, did you?"  
  
"No, because he was an annoying, snake-headed BEEP with no friends and a BEEP-ing stupid haircut - sorry, Sam." Jack added on the end.  
  
"Right. I think we'd better talk about someone you did like - Sam. You two had a bit of a rocky relationship inside the house, could you tell us about this?"  
  
"Well, it all started when she went off with Malcolm…" Jack snapped, glaring at Sam.  
  
"OY!" Sam shouted, pushing her way through the audience to stand next to Jack, "Actually, it was when YOU went off with Anise!"  
  
"Oh, really?" Jack asked, putting his hands on his hips and standing up, "We were just talking!"  
  
"Yeah, with your tongues down each others' throats!" Sam said shrilly.  
  
"Would you stop over-reacting? What about you and Malcolm behind the couch, eh? Tell me you were just talking, and I'll…"  
  
"No, we weren't just talking. But that doesn't excuse the things that you said and did to me inside of that house!"  
  
"You were just as bad!" Jack argued, "Practically every guy apart from Harry got it in with you!"  
  
SLAP  
  
"Ow!"  
  
(The interviewer is watching with glee.)  
  
"Serves you right. Anyway, Interviewer! Why do you have to focus on all of the negative things, huh?"  
  
(Interviewer is no longer smiling.)  
  
"Well, I…we…it raises our ratings!" The interviewer snapped. "Anyway, I'M THE ONE ASKING THE QUESTIONS SO SIT DOWN!"  
  
Sam reluctantly sat down, after almost being blown off the stage by the angry interviewer.   
  
"Jack, what was your favourite moment in the house?"   
  
"I think it was…trying to shove Danny in the chicken house."  
  
"And why was this such a great time for you?"  
  
"It was funny," Jack chuckled, "And I stole his glasses…"  
  
Daniel frowned from the audience, and threw a book at Jack.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"And what was your worst moment in the house?"  
  
"When Jonas killed the chickens," Jack said, "I think it was a shock to all of us, and it was totally unnecessary."  
  
"Finally, Jack, who would you like to win Stargate Big Brother 2003?"  
  
"I would like Malcolm to win, because the poor guy has been through a lot in these past fourteen weeks, and I think he deserves to win."  
  
"Thank you, Jack, you have been very entertaining throughout your stay in the house. Here are your best moments."  
  
'' by plays, accompanied by clips of Jack in the house.  
  
"Thank you, everyone, It's JACK!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
**********  
  
Next time: It's down to two - Harry and Malcolm. Harry exacts his revenge on Malcolm for burning his thong and the housemates are treated to dinner and dancing for their final hour. Who will win the prize money? Wait and see, my friends…  
  
**********  
  
Author's Note: Tee-hee. Hope you enjoyed it, and please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net   
  
********** 


	22. Stargate Big Brother The Grand Final Pa...

Title: Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 3)  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references)  
  
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net  
  
Spoilers: References to Pokémon, Happy Meals, Barbie, McDonalds and Girls Aloud.  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: It's down to two - Harry and Malcolm. Harry exacts his revenge on Malcolm for burning his thong and the housemates are treated to dinner and dancing for their final hour. Sort of.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate – THE GRAND FINAL (Part 3) ~  
  
Copyright © 2004 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
Malcolm smiled nervously at Harry, and shifted nervously away from him on the couch.   
  
"So…yoghurt boy," Harry began, edging closer to Malcolm, who promptly fell off of the edge of the couch. "You're a mite on the edge tonight."  
  
"Yeah," Malcolm smiled, backing away from Harry on the floor, "I'm just a little nervous…"  
  
"About what? Winning the big money?" Harry suggested, following Malcolm across the floor.  
  
"Mmm…yes and no," Malcolm laughed nervously, backing away from Harry at an even faster speed.  
  
"Perhaps…" Harry suggested, "You're more worried about me."  
  
"Worried about you?" Malcolm asked, "Why would I be w…worried about you?"  
  
"Oh, I think you know why, yoghurt boy," Harry snarled, backing Malcolm up against the fridge door.  
  
"N…no…" Malcolm stammered.  
  
"FOR BURNING MY THONG!" Harry shrieked, turning around and grabbing a saucepan full of hot custard, throwing it in Malcolm's direction. Malcolm squealed and leapt out of the way of the custard, just in time as it hit the fridge and froze into a solid lump, like a Frisbee.  
  
"Come back here!" Harry shouted, as Malcolm did a quick 180 and ran towards the garden. Harry pulled the custard Frisbee off of the fridge and ran after Malcolm, brandishing his weapon fiercely.   
  
"Have mercy!" Malcolm shouted, "Please have mercy!"  
  
"What, the same mercy you showed to my thong?" Harry yelled, catching up with Malcolm and throwing the Frisbee at him.   
  
Unfortunately, Harry was a good aim and the custard Frisbee struck Malcolm in the back of the head and he went down into the mud, where Harry promptly sat on him.  
  
"Frrmmms!" Malcolm protested, "Crr! Sshhhh ttre!"  
  
"I can't hear you," Harry said in a sing-song voice, waggling his hips so that Malcolm was pushed further into the mud.  
  
"FRRRMMM! SHHHH TTRREE CRR!"  
  
Malcolm rolled over and wrestled Harry to the ground, wiping mud off of his face at the same time.  
  
"Can we just agree to behave like adults about this?" Malcolm pleaded, "We just always fight, people must be getting so bored!"  
  
Harry nodded, and allowed Malcolm to pull him up.  
  
"Let's go inside and have some custard," Harry suggested.  
  
As they walked past the swimming pool, however, Harry accidentally-on-purpose stuck his foot out and Malcolm went headfirst into the water. With a small smirk, Harry went back inside and locked the door, waiting for Malcolm to try and get back in.  
  
**********  
  
"HARRY! HARRY, LET ME BACK IN!" Malcolm shouted, pounding on the door with his fists.  
  
"Hmm…let me see…how about NO?"  
  
"Harry!" Malcolm begged, "Pleeeeeeeaaaaasssseeeee!"  
  
"Oh, quit your whinging!" Harry said, unlocking the door and poking his head out, "I said NO!"  
  
Malcolm took his chance and kicked Harry in the groin, sending him careening backwards and into the oven. He slipped inside the house and locked the door behind him, and even made himself a cup of tea before retrieving Harry from the oven.  
  
"Shake?" Malcolm asked.  
  
"I'd like a strawberry," Harry agreed.  
  
Malcolm groaned inwardly.   
  
"Shake hands?"  
  
"Nah," Harry said, flouncing off in the direction of the sitting room.  
  
**********  
  
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. As you are the last two remaining housemates, we have decided to treat you to dinner and dancing. If you go to the store cupboard now, we hope you will be pleased. Have a nice evening!"  
  
Flushed with excitement, Harry and Malcolm raced to the store cupboard expecting a five-star meal, two beautiful women, waiters and fine music.  
  
Instead, they found two Barbie dolls, a happy meal and the Girls Aloud album.   
  
"WHAT?" Harry asked. "They can't be serious! We have to dance with a Barbie, and eat a happy meal?"  
  
"Something must be wrong," Malcolm agreed, "Let's go to the diary room."  
  
Picking up the happy meal, Harry followed Malcolm out of the cupboard and into the diary room, where he also pushed him off of the chair and made him sit on the floor.  
  
"Hello, Harry."  
  
"Hello Big Brother. We've come here to tell you about a mistake surrounding the dinner and dancing."  
  
"Continue, Harry."  
  
"Well, we were expecting fine food, wine, women…and music, but we just found a couple of Barbie dolls, a Girls Aloud album and a mouldy old Happy Meal!"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You mean…that's what we are supposed to get?"  
  
"Well, no, not originally, but we've had to change our plans slightly."  
  
"How slightly?"  
  
"Well, ever since we showed the episode where Jonas killed the chickens we've been having trouble with our broadcasting company, and they've now decided to sue us. Being Big Brother, we hired a pretentious lawyer and plan to counter-sue them for all the money they've got."  
  
"But…isn't that…kinda…suing yourself?" Malcolm asked.  
  
"Yes, I suppose it is. Anyway, our pretentious lawyer told us to make arrangements and cutbacks so that we have as much money as possible by the time this is over."  
  
"So…what are you gonna do next, cut our power supply?" Malcolm asked sarcastically.  
  
The lights went out.  
  
"D'oh!"  
  
**********  
  
"Okay, so we're stuck here with a mouldy Happy Meal, no electricity, no water, no gas, and two Barbie dolls."  
  
"Great way to make a guy feel better, yoghurt-boy," Harry sulked, "We don't even know when it's time for one of us to be evicted!"  
  
"How is that my fault?" Malcolm snapped.  
  
"I don't know," Harry replied, "It just is."  
  
"I bet you were looking forwards to the dancing and dinner…" Malcolm began, "It was the perfect opportunity for you to wear a dress!"  
  
Harry picked up a chicken nugget from the happy meal and threw it at Malcolm, striking him in the ear.  
  
"Harry! Stop wasting the food!" Malcolm said, "That's got to last us an hour!"  
  
"Isn't beef supposed to make you fat?" Harry mumbled thoughtfully.  
  
Malcolm laughed. "There's no beef in McDonalds' food, Harry!"  
  
"Oh. Okay, then!"  
  
(Munching noise)  
  
**********  
  
"Housemates, this is Big Brother. We apologise for the lack of warning but one of you is about to be evicted."  
  
"Agh!" Harry shouted, throwing the remains of the happy meal into the air and showering Malcolm in French fries.  
  
"Nnooo!" Malcolm said, picking the fries out of his hair.  
  
"I can now reveal that after many painful weeks of boredom, yoghurts, thongs and fights, that the winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 is…"  
  
(Hideously long pause during which you could watch 'The Shawshank Redemption' followed by 'The Godfather Trilogy' and topping it off with 'The Return of the King' before the winner had been announced.)  
  
"HARRY!"  
  
Harry squealed and shot up in the air, unfortunately hitting his head on the light and falling rapidly back down again.   
  
"HA!" He shouted at Malcolm, "YOU LOSE! YOU LOSE!"  
  
"Malcolm, you have ten seconds to say your goodbyes…I'm coming to get you!"  
  
"Bye!" said Malcolm, "Harry, it's been…terrible!"  
  
"Sweet, dude!" Harry replied, shaking his hand and grinning at him in the darkness, "But I won!"  
  
"Yeah, I know you did," Malcolm said, his temper wearing thin. "Would you like a winning present?"  
  
"Oooh! A present!" Harry squealed excitedly, "Let me have it!"  
  
"Sure," Malcolm smirked, and punched Harry in the nose. "Bye!"  
  
"MALCOLM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. MALCOLM, YOU HAVE BEEN EVICTED, PLEASE LEAVE THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE!"  
  
Malcolm stepped out of the house to rapturous applause from the assembled crowd.  
  
"Join me after the break for an interview with the second-place winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003...Malcolm!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
**********  
  
"Hello and welcome back to Stargate Big Brother. I'm here with the runner-up, MALCOLM!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
"Hello, Malcolm. First, how did you find your time in the house?"  
  
"Well, the first few weeks were great, but towards the end it just dragged too much, and it was totally boring."  
  
"Who did you get on with well in the house?"  
  
"Um…Janet and Sam, really - but Daniel was also great."  
  
"Now, speaking of Sam…we've already had her view on what happened 'that night' but can you back it up for us? What actually happened? Did you do it?"  
  
"We did."  
  
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING  
  
"Well, it's nice to have that cleared up. You know, that is what everyone has been waiting to find out since the show started!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, that and why Jonas murdered the chickens."  
  
"Did you ever find out why?"  
  
"Nah. He went mad and smashed up the studio - we all ran for our lives."  
  
"Sweet."  
  
"Anyway, we're kind of straying from the point…who did you not get on with in the house?"  
  
"Mainly Jack and Harry - neither of them particularly liked me, and McKenzie didn't like anybody. Apart from them, things were okay."  
  
"What would you say was your favourite moment from the show?"  
  
"The assault course was…amusing, but apart from that there wasn't really anything that happened which wasn't a disaster, maiming, murder or an explosion."  
  
"What was the worst part of your stay?"  
  
"When Jonas killed the chickens. I'm sorry, but that was just cold-blooded murder."  
  
"Well, Malcolm, you have been an interesting person to watch over the past…long time, thank you for the entertainment! Here are your best moments.  
  
'Not a Day Goes By' by Lonestar plays, with clips of Malcolm and his various yoghurts.  
  
"Thank you, everybody, it's MALCOLM!"  
  
CHEERING  
  
**********  
  
"Now, my friends and fellow viewers, it's time to welcome the winner of Stargate Big Brother 2003 back to the studio - Harry!"  
  
WILD CHEERING AND CHANTS OF "HARRY, HARRY!"  
  
Harry appeared at the top of the stairs, totally butt-naked. Several hundred people in the front row passed out, and those in the row behind were equally shocked. (In total, one thousand people had to be treated in hospital with injuries that were self-inflicted.)  
  
CHEERING CONTINUES  
  
"Err…hello, Harry?"  
  
"HI!"  
  
(Harry squeals excitedly and runs up to hug the interviewer, who flees in terror but is not quite fast enough.)  
  
"Aagh! Security! Get this man a robe!"  
  
BURLY SECURITY GUARDS GRAB HARRY AND SHOVE HIM INTO A PINK BATHROBE  
  
"Right. Are you ready to begin the interview, Harry?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"First off, how do you feel about winning the competition?"  
  
"Wow. I just feel totally…cool, wicked, great, fantastic and HA MALCOLM YOU DIDN'T WIN!"  
  
"Yes. Who would you say that you got on best with in the house?"  
  
"Oh, Jack, without a doubt," Harry smirked, "We're just totally the best of friends."  
  
(Cough) "Bullshit!" (Cough)  
  
"I heard that! I'm not stupid! There's no bus stop around here!"  
  
(Interviewer sniggers)  
  
"Aren't you supposed to be conducting an interview?"  
  
"Yes, sorry. Who did you hate to be in the house with?"  
  
"Anise and Malcolm. Anise, because we were like, going out for a while, but she was just a total b-itch, and Malcolm, for the same reason."  
  
"You were going out with Malcolm? I see…"  
  
"NO! I meant that Malcolm was a bitch! Agh!"  
  
"OH! I see. Sorry, it was an easy mistake to make."  
  
"What was your favourite moment in the house?"  
  
"Doing the assault course was cool, man, and also when Jonas put Malcolm on the barbecue. That was sweet."  
  
"And what was your least favourite moment in the house?"  
  
"Oh, dude, do you even have to ask? Surely you know!"  
  
"If I knew, Harry, why would I be asking you?"  
  
LONG PAUSE  
  
"True. Ok, my worst moment in the house was…WHEN YOGHURT BOY BURNED MY THONG!"  
  
"Oh, yes, silly me - how could I have forgotten…"  
  
"IT WAS MY ONLY FRIEND IN THE WORLD!" Harry wailed.  
  
INTERVIEWER LEANS OVER AND SLAPS HARRY  
  
"It's a freakin' thong, for crying out loud!"  
  
(Sniffle)  
  
"Well, Harry, now that you've won - what do you intend to do with the prize money?"  
  
"I'm gonna spend it on sex, drugs and rock n'roll!"  
  
"So…no charitable donations?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"No…sharing it out between friends?"  
  
"Nope!"  
  
"No…helping to pay off parents' debts?"  
  
"Hell, no!"  
  
"What are you? A man, or a monster?"  
  
"I'd say the latter," Harry proclaimed proudly, grabbing the cheque from the interviewer's hand and doing a runner with it.  
  
"I'll say!" The Interviewer agreed.  
  
"I'd just like to thank you for watching us over the past few weeks, and for getting our ratings back up high enough to be able to broadcast the latest series of American Idol!"  
  
BOOING  
  
"Well, it's your own damned fault! Anyway, we hope you can join us next time, for the inevitable next series of Big Brother! Goodbye, people, and remember, if Jonas Hanson turns up at your door, run away!"  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: I can hardly believe that it's finally finished. It's been a challenge, and at times a terrific pain in the butt, but it's finished. What are your thoughts? Please feel free to send me feedback here: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net . Until the next crossover fic, ciao! 


	23. Stargate Big Brother The AfterParty

Title: Big Brother Stargate – The After-Party  
  
Rating: PG-13 (Moderate sexual references and violence)  
  
Feedback: jm-webmistress@fsmail.net  
  
Spoilers: You need to have read the other 20-odd chapters. g  
  
Details: Response to Heliopolis challenge #1865. Choose any ten members of Stargate SG1 and put them in big brother. Rules: Must include Sg1, Anise, Hathor, Martouf and Janet. Lines: "That is not legal.", "Don't worry, they'll have to come up for breath soon.", "Um...Jack, you do know we're on national TV, right?"  
  
Summary: All 10 housemates are re-united in what promises to be a disastrous, chair-throwing, profanity-filled party.  
  
Disclaimer: None of the characters or places in this story belong to me; they are the property of Sci Fi, MGM Worldwide, Brad Wright, Gekko Film Corp and Double Secret productions. Obviously, you all know what Big Brother is and I certainly don't own it, so don't even try to sue me for that. No copyright infringement intended.   
  
Author's Note: Just imagine the Big Brother guy's voice – it makes it funnier. Many thanks to everyone who has sent feedback about this series, it's been a great laugh doing it and your reviews make it all the more worthwhile.  
  
~ Big Brother Stargate – The After-Party! ~  
  
Copyright © 2004 Ruth   
  
**********  
  
"Hello and welcome back to Stargate Big Brother! As it's no longer 2003, but this isn't series 2004, we've left the date out. How this is important, I don't know, but it's on the autocue...Anyway, welcome to what promises to be the party of the year!! We have all 10 housemates back together in one room, with alcohol and chairs. What could possibly go right?"  
  
CHEERING  
  
"Let's go live to the party now. Enjoy. Be warned that this party will almost certainly contain strong language and violence."  
  
**********  
  
  
  
Sam and Daniel stopped outside the door and looked at each other. Daniel swallowed nervously.  
  
"Uh…Sam…I have a really, really bad feeling about this party."  
  
"Me too, Danny," she replied, squeezing his hand encouragingly, "But it's only a couple of hours. We just have to try and stick together."  
  
"Thanks," he smiled, "Let's get this over with."  
  
He opened the door, and came face to face with Hathor, who was wearing nothing but a zebra-print bikini and a pair of scarily high stilettos.  
  
"Aagh!" Daniel shrieked, and ran off in another direction. Sam tried to follow him, but Hathor grabbed hold of her arm.  
  
"You are the one that would defeat us!" she spat.  
  
"Yeah, that would be me," Sam replied, "Now would ya let go of my friggin' arm?"  
  
"No!" Hathor smiled nastily, "Or you will ruin his surprise."  
  
"What sort of surprise?" Sam asked, "What are you doing to him?"  
  
-Somewhere in another room-  
  
"OH MY GOD! SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"  
  
**********  
  
Jack shifted uneasily away from Anise on the couch. She followed him, so he shifted again.   
  
"Why the unease, Jack?" Anise whispered huskily, "We're consenting adults."  
  
Jack tried to take his mind off of things by taking a drink of water, but as Anise's hand strayed dangerously close to his groin he spat it all over the person in front of him.  
  
"Oh, sorry, um…" Jack said, standing up just in time, as Anise was making a pass at his butt.  
  
"Martouf," came the irritated reply.   
  
"Hey, Marty!" Jack smirked, giving him a slap on the back, "Long time, no see!"  
  
"Indeed, and I was just beginning to enjoy myself," Martouf replied bitterly.  
  
"You like me really," Jack grinned, "Come on, let's get some punch."  
  
"Don't leave me, Jack," Anise purred, "You know you can't resist me."  
  
Jack's grip tightened on Martouf's arm as he led him away.  
  
"You're gonna need more than punch with that!" Martouf smiled.  
  
**********  
  
Janet and Sam stood in the corner of the room, with Daniel behind them.  
  
"Why did I come here?" Sam asked Janet thoughtfully.  
  
"Same reason I did," Janet replied, "To watch Anise and Hathor trying to make passes at Jack and Danny."  
  
"Hey!" Daniel replied, hurt, "I could say that I was coming to watch Sam make out with Malcolm, but I didn't!"  
  
This time it was Sam that spat out her drink.  
  
"Danny!"  
  
"Where is Malcolm, anyway?" Janet asked, "I haven't seen him yet."  
  
"He probably has the sense not to come in the first place," Sam commented.  
  
At that moment, Hathor emerged from a storage cupboard with a pink feather boa around her neck. Danny let out a squeak of terror and ducked behind Sam and Janet again.  
  
After Hathor had passed by, a quiet voice said:  
  
"Janet, may I take this moment to tell you how nice your butt looks in this dress?"  
  
Janet smiled and looked at Sam.  
  
"Some people have all the luck," Sam grunted, "I'm off to avoid everybody. Have fun!"  
  
**********  
  
Jack was also trying to avoid everybody - and by everybody I mean Anise. Every time he saw her, she had less and less clothes on.   
  
"Uh…don't you think you'd better put some…clothes on?" Jack stammered, "I mean, you wouldn't want to get cold, would you?"  
  
"How could I possibly get cold," said Anise, pulling her shirt open, "In the heat of such passion?"  
  
"Eek!" Jack squeaked, and edged away from her, backing himself into the wall.  
  
"I didn't know you liked walls," Anise smiled, "Perhaps you'd like to show me…"  
  
"Colonel!"  
  
Jack looked up with relief to see Sam standing behind Anise, with her arms folded.   
  
"That's a nasty rash you've got there," Sam commented, "Perhaps you'd better get it looked at."  
  
"Go to hell, Carter!" Anise spat, "He's mine! All MINE!"  
  
Jack looked pleadingly at Sam as Anise got within inches of his face.  
  
Sam rolled her eyes, grabbed hold of Anise and forcibly moved her out of Jack's way.   
  
"Come on," Sam said, "Quickly - she's like a limpet."  
  
**********  
  
Jonas whistled a cheery tune as he walked into the party, to see a half-naked Anise sitting by the door, waiting to pounce on Jack when he was least expecting it.  
  
"Jonas!" she smiled, "How nice to see you!"  
  
"Yes," Jonas said, "Unfortunately I can't return the sentiment."  
  
He walked off in the direction of the punch.   
  
It was at that moment that Harry decided to make his grand entrance - wearing nothing but, yep, you guessed it…a Pikachu loincloth.   
  
"Where do you get those clothes?" Jonas asked, disgusted.  
  
"Jonas!" Harry shouted, "The chicken killer is here!"  
  
"That's me!" Jonas proclaimed loudly, "Where's Sam?"  
  
"She saved Jack from being groped to death by Anise, and then the two of them went outside," Hathor said helpfully, "I could assist you in harming them, if you like."  
  
Jonas frowned.  
  
"No thank you, I prefer to work alone. And wearing clothes."  
  
**********  
  
"Carter, you saved my butt back there," Jack said, "Thanks."  
  
"No problem. It was painful to watch, anyway. I would have done it for anyone."  
  
"Do we really have to go back in there?" Jack asked, "If Anise doesn't jump me, then Hathor will, and…"  
  
"Well, aren't you just Mr Popularity?" came a snide voice from the darkness.  
  
Without having to look around, Sam sighed.   
  
"Jonas?"  
  
"That's right, baby. It's my name, don't wear it out."  
  
"I wouldn't dream of it," Sam replied, looking warily at her ex.   
  
"Come back inside, guys! You're missing the party! Harry just arrived!"  
  
"Did his clothes arrive with him?" Jack asked.  
  
"No," Jonas said, "I wouldn't expect that to happen until hell freezes over."  
  
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sam added.  
  
**********  
  
"I WON!" Harry shouted, dancing up and down on the table, "I WON, YOU DIDN'T! HA HA HA HA! I'M RICH, YOU'RE NOT! HA HA HA!"  
  
Daniel picked an apple out of a bowl, felt it in his hand, and lobbed it at Harry. He hit him in the nose and Harry let out a shriek, falling into a bowl of crisps.  
  
"You ruined the cheese and onion!" Hathor complained, "Now I'm going to have to remove the rest of my clothes in a blind rage!"  
  
"Aagh!" Daniel cried, "No! Please! You look perfectly ok as you are!"  
  
"I'm just so…"  
  
"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!" Harry chanted, "I love it when Danny acts like an ickow gurl!"  
  
Daniel ran off. Harry picked up a handful of the crisps and stuffed them into his mouth, chewing noisily.   
  
"So…babe…you single?" he drawled.  
  
Hathor spat at him.   
  
"I'm taken - the handsome Daniel Jackson is desperately in love with me!" she smirked.  
  
"Really?" Harry asked, "That's obviously news to him. Look - he's over there with his hand on Janet Fraiser's butt!"  
  
"Nnnnoooo!" Hathor yelled, diving at Janet, arms flailing.   
  
"Agh!" Janet shrieked, jumping out of the way and running into Sam as she returned from outside.  
  
"Janet, what is it?" Sam asked, and ducked just before an orange hit her in the head. Instead, it hit Jonas in the head.  
  
"Who threw that orange?" he demanded, wiping the peel off of his face.  
  
"Nobody," Harry said, "Absolutely no reason to go on a killing spree, just get a grip…"  
  
Jonas marched over to Harry and began to strangle him.  
  
"Good grip!" Harry squeaked. Jonas soon became bored of him, and dunked him headfirst in the crisps again.   
  
"I saw my whole life flash before my eyes!" Harry moaned.  
  
"How boring for you," Sam replied.   
  
At that moment, Malcolm walked past, eating a yoghurt.  
  
"HEY! Yoghurt boy!" Jonas shouted gleefully, giving Malcolm such a violent slap on the back that he went face-first into the yoghurt.   
  
"Leave him alone," Sam said softly, "Go and pick on someone in your own gene pool!"  
  
"Well, that would be you!" Jonas smiled, entwining his arm in hers.  
  
"Dammit, Jonas, get off of my arm!" Sam protested, trying to wriggle out of his grasp.  
  
"Why? You afraid that Mr Popularity will see us?" Jonas smiled, "I wouldn't. He's stuck in the corner of the room with those two lovelies Anise and Hathor."  
  
"SSAAAAAAMMMM!" came a yell from said corner.  
  
"I'm kind of wrapped up here myself!" she shouted back, as Jonas bundled her out of the room and into the caretaker's closet.  
  
**********  
  
Daniel and Janet sat in the corner of the room, gazing lovingly into each others' eyes.  
  
"Shall we get out of here?" he asked softly.  
  
"Yeah," Janet agreed, "I don't think anybody will miss us."  
  
"JANET!" Sam shouted, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"  
  
"Sam?" Janet asked, torn between helping her friend and leaving quickly with the drop-dead gorgeous archaeologist.  
  
"Jonas, you even think about it and this broom is going so far up your butt that you'll be chewing it until next year!"  
  
Daniel raised his eyebrows.  
  
"I think Sam can take care of herself," he said, taking Janet's arm in his, "C'mon."  
  
"JANET! DANIEL! DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME IN HERE!"  
  
"I like it when you talk dirty."  
  
PUNCH  
  
"Ow!"  
  
"How'd you like that?" Sam spat back, kicking him in the balls and breaking down the door, running back out into the centre of the room and straight into Harry.  
  
"Whoa, what's going on?" Harry asked.  
  
"Where are Danny and Janet?" Sam asked, looking fearfully behind her as Jonas emerged from the closet.  
  
"They just high-tailed it out of here to go make sweet love, I guess," Harry smirked, "Why? Want to join them?"  
  
**********  
  
"Sam, I could really use your help over here!" Jack shouted, as Anise offered to give him a sensual massage.  
  
"I'll give you some help," Jonas smirked, taking a lighter from his pocket and going over to the nearest chair. He waited until the chair had caught fire before he threw it at Jack, sending Anise and Hathor flying.  
  
"My boa!" Hathor shouted, "It's on fire!"  
  
"Better get you cooled off," Jonas smirked, dunking her in the punch.  
  
"Jonas, why do you always have to ruin a party?" Sam asked, watching as Jack threw a cup of orange juice on the wall to try and extinguish the flames.  
  
"That's what I do!" Jonas protested, "And I didn't get a best moments reel! DON'T THINK I'VE FORGIVEN YOU FOR THAT, BIG BROTHER!"  
  
Sam began to edge away from him and went over to talk to Malcolm.  
  
"Jonas, you're such an idiot!" Jack grunted, throwing another cup of orange juice on the wall.   
  
"Oh yeah?" Jonas asked.  
  
"Yeah!" Jack shot back.  
  
"Oh yeah?" Jonas said again.  
  
"YEAH!" Jack shouted.  
  
The two of them then became embroiled in a furious punch-up. Jonas punched Jack in the nose, and Jack fell backwards. Grabbing a handful of peanuts, he stuffed them in Jonas' face and ran off.   
  
"Aagh!" Jonas said, clawing at his face, "I hate peanuts!"  
  
"He's going mad!" Harry shouted gleefully, "Ooh, I love this bit!"  
  
Sam started to run off after Jack, but Anise saw her and was having none of it.   
  
"Come back here!" she shouted, running across the floor and slipping on some of the punch that was spilt. As she fell, she grabbed hold of Sam's ankles and the two of them crashed to the floor.  
  
"Get off me!" Sam growled, "I'm in no mood for this tonight!"  
  
Anise grabbed a handful of Sam's hair and pulled, hard.   
  
"Dammit, I told you I wasn't in the mood!" Sam replied, delivering a karate-chop blow to Anise's chest. She came off the worse, however, and nursed her bruised knuckles.  
  
"What the hell are you wearing under there?" Sam asked, cradling her hand.  
  
"It's the new improved wonder bra," Anise said proudly, "I was using it to seduce Jack. Watch."  
  
Anise pulled a cord at the back of the bra and her chest suddenly expanded tenfold, with such force that it knocked Sam unconscious.  
  
"Mawhahahahahahaha!" Anise cackled evilly, pulling herself up to a standing position and then promptly falling over again because of the amount of weight on her front end.  
  
Jack ran back in, pulled Sam up into his arms and tried to make a break for it. Anise spotted him.  
  
"Jack!" she cried happily, "What do you think of my new bra?"  
  
"It's a knockout," Sam muttered woozily.  
  
"Ok, let's go…" Jack said, backing away from Anise and her larger-than-life bosom.  
  
"You know you don't want to go," Anise purred, "I could give you a sensual massage…"  
  
"I'll tell you where you can stick your sensual massage," Jack grunted, "Leave me the hell alone!"  
  
"You don't mean it," Anise smiled, "You love me really!"  
  
"Yeah - as much as I love a kick in the head," Jack panted, "Carter, for someone who's so skinny, you don't half weigh a ton!"  
  
"Hey!" Sam muttered, swinging drunkenly at him, "I heard that." Then she passed out again.  
  
**********  
  
"I STILL WANT MY BEST MOMENTS REEL!" Jonas screamed at the camera, "HIT ME! I WANT IT NOW! GIVE IT TO ME! IT'S MINE! I WANT IT!"  
  
At that moment, a small door in the wall opened.  
  
"Ooh," Jonas smiled curiously, "They actually listened to me!"  
  
"Come closer," the door whispered. So he did.  
  
A purple leather boxing glove shot out of the wall and hit Jonas in the face.   
  
"Sweet," he murmured, falling backwards onto the floor.   
  
"Let's get out of here!" Harry shouted, "He'll be in one hell of a mood when he wakes up!"  
  
So they all fled.   
  
**********  
  
"Well, my friends, that was the Stargate Big Brother 2003 after-party! Nothing much new happened, I suppose, but here's a quick look at what happened after the party."  
  
Jack eventually dragged Carter out to his car and took her home. When she woke up, she punched him for calling her heavy but the two of them eventually made up and she offered to let him have a go on her bike.  
  
Daniel and Janet escaped the party early and headed for home. We all know what they got up to there.  
  
Anise and Hathor remained partners in crime and headed off to a beauty spa to recuperate before their next mission of trying to seduce Jack and Daniel.  
  
Malcolm and Martouf quietly exited the party and went for a drink together. They found out that they have a lot in common and have remained good friends.  
  
Teal'c never turned up for the party. What a sensible man.   
  
Harry left in a leopard-print limousine to a roaring crowd of his fans to go thong shopping.  
  
And what happened to Jonas? He awoke in the party hall like a bear with a sore head and trashed the place.  
  
As far as we know, he is still waiting for his best moments video.  
  
THE END  
  
Author's Note: That's it, it's finally the end. What did you think? Please send feedback to jm-webmistress@fsmail.net. Thanks to all those who have stayed with me during this series -I wouldn't have made it to the end without you! Special thanks go to NG, the Female Apophis, Sister of Darkness and Movielover03. Cheers! 


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